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Title: not sure if I can mend anything, not sure if I should Post by: Lalalala on June 20, 2021, 12:52:06 AM I don't know - I am a little too overwhelmed to write it all out right now.
He is not interested in putting any effort into keeping our family together, it would be only me. I am not sure if it would work or if I'm wasting my time. Title: Re: not sure if I can mend anything, not sure if I should Post by: Lalalala on June 20, 2021, 01:22:47 AM A little more detail:
My husband has BPD, sort of diagnosed. We have 2 teen boys. I decided long ago that I would do anything to avoid a split custody situation which would leave him and his anger alone with 2 small children. (small at the time) I had, somewhat, made my peace with living with my husband's bad moods, random outburst of rage, insistence on making sure nothing was his fault (and everything is actually my fault). Constant tiptoeing around his moods has led to anxiety for me, and the uncomfortable feeling that I have to "manage" him, to keep his mood stable - which just makes everything my fault even more. - If he is mad about anything, it's because I should have handled it differently. There is no "honeymoon" after the outbursts - he has said that I don't get to be mad about his outbursts because I know that this is how he is - basically, he has given himself permission to scream at me, and I have to accept it without getting angry or asking to discuss any problem. Last week, for the first time, he turned his rage on our 16y/o (not physical). I think he is reacting to our son entering 11th grade and wanting to attend a college that is on the other side of the country. There are more details, but I think that is the root cause - feeling like he is losing his son. But he screamed at him in an ugly way, then when my teen quietly escaped to his room, my husband screamed at me that he wanted the 3 of us to leave (for a good 15 minutes). I had told him a few years ago that the next time he screamed at me to leave I would be doing it - it is too humiliating to stay after being kicked away, and not so much as a fake apology after. This was the first time he had said he wanted the kids gone too. When he calmed down I told him that he should consider an apology to our son. He was again enraged, and said he wouldn't apologize for "giving him advice". - So the thing that worries me is that since he refuses to acknowledge there was any problem with the way he screamed at the 16y/o, it will obviously be happening again in the future. Our 16y/o is a great kid and we discuss his father's mental health issues a lot (and both kids have been to some support therapy, although we can't afford to do it much). But I feel like asking him to live with being screamed at isn't ok. Like this is the line I need to draw. Yesterday I got one-way plane tickets to visit my sister. I don't know what I hope will happen, he's not going to suddenly realize he is making a mistake. Now he is furious that we are leaving, even after he reminded me more than once this week that I had said I would be leaving. And when I told him the tickets are for one week from today, he wanted to know why I had made them so far in the future. He doesn't want us to stay AND he's mad we are leaving. I am not sure what I should be trying to do I Title: Re: not sure if I can mend anything, not sure if I should Post by: Jabiru on June 20, 2021, 12:18:58 PM Hello and welcome. :hi: Kudos to you for looking to protect yourself and your children. I think many of us here can relate to being blamed if we do, blamed if we don't.
It is a very personal decision and only you can decide. Do you still plan to go? Temporarily or were you planning to move there? |