BPDFamily.com

Hi, I've been going to marriage counseling with my spouse for the past few months.  The therapist has done several sessions with us together and a few sessions apart.  Last week, the therapist advised me that my spouse is showing BPD traits.  She has experience working with BPDs. She said she suspected within 15 minutes, and that she confirmed after 10 hours of sessions with my spouse. She is not optimistic about our future prospects as a couple.

I read the books and my spouse checks every BPD (but not NPD) box, literally.  The anecdotes I read were like someone wrote down a description of my life for the past couple of decades.

I looked online for a BPD specialist in my area, and the therapist who currently works with my daughter popped up.  I know him, so I called that therapist and confided in him what I'd heard and read.  He told me that he'd already concluded the same (even though he's not met my spouse) and that he's been treating my daughter with the idea that my spouse is cluster B, likely BPD.

I've spent the last 10 days in deep grief - grieving over the depths of pain my spouse is in and the impact that's had on her life, over the contortions I've put myself through for so long in order to try to fix the pattern and the impact that's had on my life, over the dreams/hopes I have had with her that now seem so distant, and most importantly over the impact that this undiagnosed illness has had on our three children (teenagers and young adults, now).

I've not shared any of this with my spouse.  I told her that I'd support her in getting help (after a recent conflict).  Out of the blue, she responded that she's been seeing a therapist who specializes in part in BPD and DID (which I know is true, I know the therapist) and has confirmed that my spouse does not suffer from those issues. (I understand there could be a couple of reasons why my spouse believes this.)

I'm at a loss.  I'm afraid of taking action and of not taking action, for many reasons. 

It's excruciating to watch and listen to what my spouse does now, knowing the truth of what's behind it.  While I feel so much more compassion for her now, I also feel more protective of myself and my family in the face of her words and actions, now that I have more confidence that her justifying stories are not true.

Thanks for witnessing this.  I'm open to thoughts from others who have been in similar situations.  :heart:

JJW, many of us are very familiar with the relief and pain and horror that comes with a diagnosis. It is at once affirming, hopeless and daunting. I love to hear that you have more clarity and confidence.

I love this site because it reflects a wide range of success stories. Some are diagnosed, some are not. Some people learn new ways of relating to their SO's and spouses and find a rhythm that works for them. Others decide it's not right for them and move to a position of low contact or no contact. No matter what, the tools we learn here are useful in every relationship and walk of life, and they're so worth learning. I've learned new ways of communicating that I'm teaching my kids, so that they learn to better deal with difficult people.

Of course you know that you don't have to decide anything today. Allow the waves of shock and sadness to wash over you and settle before making any big decisions. We'll support you no matter what your next move is.

Thank you <3