BPDFamily.com

So uBPDh and I has had our cat for the past 10 years.  I was the one who started keeping him first (took him in after a friend picked him up from the streets).  So as you can imagine, if the cat is being naughty or making a fuss, H will refer to him as "your cat".  And perhaps for the past 1.5 years or so (especially so during Covid), I feel like he's losing patience for the cat.  He's taking it out on me, and I don't know how to validate or respond.

Things that H complains about include: cat would sit on shoes then go around the flat, therefore making everything, like the kids' toys dirty; cat would pull down laundry from the laundry rack and sit on the clothes (he would sometimes shout at me, saying he is not only my slave, and is also the cat's slave... what more do I want him to do, etc); cat is kicking the litter everywhere (I admit it does go to some places but it's not exactly like the floor is spotless otherwise). 

Responses I've tried:
- Apologising (like, for causing him extra trouble): doesn't work.  He would be angrier.  Says I shouldn't say sorry for things I'm not sorry about.  Say I don't actually care about his feelings.  Treat him as a slave.
- Offering to take up the chores that cause him extra time (like re-wash whatever the cat pulled off the rack): doesn't work.  Makes him angrier. 
- Trying to find solutions to the problems or alternatives to lessen the problem (like searching for a new litterbox to get to try and reduce cat litter on the floor): doesn't work.  He wouldn't act on it.  I would show him a thousand pictures and see which one we should get and he would say don't change it.

Can someone suggest what kind of response he could be looking for?  I'm very careful not to say (when I'm frustrated), "Do you just want me to put him down?" because that's not what I want and what if he said yes?  But it seems to be that he just wants to be rid of the cat and anything the cat is doing is annoying him.  I really don't know what to do as it turns me into the source of blame. 

Can anyone help me to formulate a validating response as everything I've done doesn't work.  So now I kind of just let him scold me, blame it on me, and not really respond (don't wanna "make things worse", so silence is like, the only option); after a while he stops complaining about it and we move on with our lives... I feel like he wants some kind of validation... for what, I don't know...

I can relate. My H did this last year. Every time I tried to solve the problem as he presented it, it made things worse. My H is a very intense person, and I usually got stuck in his intensity tornado. I couldn't think clearly to see what was really happening.

It's not the cat, it just happens to be something he's chosen to unload his emotions on.

Are you able to identify the emotions he's feeling when he seems triggered? Powerless? Sad? Afraid?

What happens in your body when he gets upset? What emotions do you feel?

What would happen if you just let him vent and gave him space to simply let out his frustration without feeling compelled to defend, explain or fix? If you feel overwhelmed or hurt by what he says, take care of yourself. It's ok to say, "I love this cat and it hurts to hear you talk about him that way. Give me a few minutes to clear my head and calm down, I'll be back soon so we can finish the conversation."

I agree that it's not just about the cat.  I sense that he's frustrated when he was scolding me.  Frustrated that the cat's troubles has added to his workload.  He is already putting in all his time caring for the family (full time daddy), so it's like another "unnecessary" addition to his work. 


I think I need to do this.  I KNOW that at the moment he didn't need any fixing.  He would somehow appreciate my efforts in trying to fix the problem (even though he may not take up on my suggestions), but at that moment it's not what he needs.  I guess the simple thing is he needs validation.  But at that moment I'm usually too self-protective/ scared to be able to do that... scared that things would escalate, and also scared because the cat is not under my control (it's going to do cat things, right?) and that I won't be able to find a solution to the problem.

Perhaps you could agree with him when he makes those comments. “Yeah, the cat gets things dirty and makes a mess. But isn’t he delightful other times? Cats are like that. Gotta love them, but they certainly add to the workload!”

Have you thought about what scares you or makes you feel self-protective?


I can SO relate. When H is upset I often feel responsible to find a solution. Over the past year I've been working on retraining this knee jerk response, because his emotions are his to manage. In many situations, controlling my emotional response has diminished his. There are times when his intensity invites me to step outside of my yard and respond in a way that exacerbates the situation. If I stay in my yard, after time, he learns that it won't trigger me and he quits doing it.

I like Cat's suggested response because it makes the problem the right size and keeps the emotion where it should be.