BPDFamily.com

Hi, I found this site during my mum's latest episode, where I google everything looking for help. She is undiagnosed but everyone in the family agrees she has BPD. My brother and sister have both been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I blame our abusive upbringing.

I am the only one who sees mum regularly. I am the one who has been trained since a child to look after mum's emotional needs. Although I am 48 I have only just realised that what we went through was abuse. My father only thought of himself also and was neglectful but I wouldn't call him abusive. He was addicted to gambling and went out a lot to the pub, my mother had an alcohol problem.

I am trying to cut down the amount of times each week that I see my mother. I now see that she is badly affecting my teenage daughter and it is for this reason that I have begun to question things. I usually see mum 3 or 4 times a week, this is to get her out of the house, usually clothes, homeware shopping, as she doesn't go out alone. I take her to cafes, restaurants etc. and pay for everything. I also drive her to all her appointments which are many as she loves going to the doctor and being sent for tests. I have spoiled her and have never thought twice about it but nothing is ever enough. She is only happy if she is being taken out, I feel like a fool when I think of all the things I have done for her. I have heard recently that she is telling everyone she sees me once a week!

I feel I have wasted a lot of my life trying to please my mother and have just woken up. She doesn't like me to have any friends, I don't introduce her to anyone now as in the past she has started arguments with many of my friends and then wants me to take her side when it is she who has been totally in the wrong.

I could go on forever but think this is enough for my first post.

Best wishes to people going through similar, thanks for reading.

Fairybells, welcome.  :hi: You've been through so much and I hope you can look back and admire the strength it took to get you this far. Big hugs to you.


How is your mom's behavior affecting your daughter?


You know this already, but you're not a fool at all. pwBPD are masters at getting their needs met, sometimes in the worst ways. You recognize that you were groomed at a young age to take care of her, thinking it was simply the right and good thing to do. For her to turn around and tell others she only sees you once a week is not about you or what you're doing - my guess is she's trying to get an empathetic response from the listener. It's a cheap and easy way for her to get more of the attention she craves. This is learned behavior she's developed because it works.

What's your plan to cut down on the number of times you see her? Do you have a goal in mind?

We're glad you're here.

pj

Thank you PJ, you have given me things to think about, I never thought of myself as being groomed, as I relate that word to sexual abuse, but you are so right! And also I thought she was just bad mouthing me to people saying I see her once a week but now I think about it, it will be for attention.

My daughter is with me often when I see my mum and the older she is getting the more she is noticing her gran's behaviour. Last time we saw my mum, D. was crying when we got home, she kept saying she wished it was the next day so she would feel better. She says she felt sad and angry for her gran talking negatively about everybody, especially about people she herself liked, and speaking of her ailments constantly and saying how no one understands her. She said she felt sorry for me for the way her gran was speaking to me also. She is very embarrassed (as am I) when her gran is rude to people who work in shops or cafes. I believe my daughter could become depressed if I go on seeing my mother as often as we do. My mum has started telling D about her problems and her sad life when she was a child, she knows I wouldn't allow this and tells her when I am out of earshot but D. tells me afterwards.

D likes listening to music on her earphones and I ask her to use them sometimes when my mum is in a particularly anxious state, D shouldn't have to do this. I need to put her first.

I confronted my mother about saying to people that she only sees me once a week and she replied "yes, that's right, I do only see you once a week sometimes". This is a blatant lie, so I have not seen her for one week so far, apart from dropping her at an appointment one day then straight back home, no cafes  :(

Thanks for your welcome, big hugs back x

It almost sounds like she wants your daughter to meet her attention needs too, right? Not ok to put that on a kid's shoulders. I'm glad you're responding by limiting your daughter's time with your mom. Reducing your own visits seems like  really reasonable step as well.

Thank you for your advice, I am grateful for your insights.