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Here's some things that I'd like to admit to myself that are keeping the connection alive with my ex, real truths that I need to face. Logically I know it would never work, but my emotions are taking a while to catch up. I'm not as far through the grieving process as I liked to believe. Maybe you feel the same. Looking for advice to get further along in the process.

Not blocking her number
- Excuse: She's got my number blocked so I don't need to
- Reality: If she reaches out I want her to be able to find me, I enjoy the validation and want her in my life to some degree

Browsing this forum
- Excuse: I'm learning and understanding about the relationship, I want to help other people
- Reality: In this case the excuse is true, however I also want to continue thinking about her/us, it's a comfortable feeling

Talking to my friends about the relationship
- Excuse: I'm processing my feelings to get over her
- Reality: I want people to tell me she loved me, or that she might come back, or is thinking about me. That I wasn't a bad person, that it wasn't my fault.

New people I date not 'clicking'
- Excuse: I'm not finding a love connection, I'm not attracted to them for x, y or z reason
- Reality: Remaining single means that it's easier for me to let her back in, I'm not really giving dates a chance

Hi sorry I have not kept up with your circumstances.

It sounds like she may have ended the relationship for now but you hold on to sone hope this could change and she may unblock and recontact you?

This pretty much sums it up. I do know that there is no good outcome from being with her, I'm aware of it and even had it proved to me beyond reasonable doubt through a half-assed attempt at trying again, however the feelings linger, and completely letting go forever isn't something I can face yet.

IntoTheWind, it does get better after a while. At some point, there will be half a day when you don't miss her. It might be followed by a week or two when you can't stop thinking about her. But eventually, there'll be another half-day, or even an entire day, where you feel completely happy without her. That day will eventually turn into two days of feeling really good, even though you might miss her for a couple of days after that. But soon, two good days will return, and they will turn into three days. You'll start missing her less and less. And eventually, you'll only miss her so rarely, that it doesn't interfere with your life at all, that it merely registers as a blip on the emotional chart.

Most of all, and this I find the most empowering, solitude will begin to feel really good again. Even if it seems inconceivable now. Don't forget that you're an incredibly giving, complete, wholesome person (otherwise your ex wouldn't have latched on to you). When the FOG fades, you'll eventually be left with this generous, complete, healthy person -- you. Nobody can take this away from you. And when this feeling comes back, it will be glorious.

nothing will help you do it like being honest with yourself, and facing the hardest aspects of these breakups.

looking at your list, im not sure any of these things are good or bad, in and of themselves. its a question of what you do with the knowledge. and sometimes its just a good gauge of where we are in the detachment process.

for example, you dont have to block her in order to detach. wanting her in your life, or wanting her validation are both pretty understandable, and they are what they are. but blocking isnt a substitute for working through and letting go of those desires.

browsing the forum is really what you make of it. im still here over ten years later. it stopped being about my ex a long time ago. that you use it as a connection isnt surprising; i did too. that you are using it in a way to raise your game and dig deeper, seems like a pretty useful exercise and a good sign for your detachment process.

do lean on your friends, its what theyre there for. if youre driving yourself crazy, change how you lean on them. validate yourself, confidently. pick a friend or two whos insight you trust and ask them to challenge you, to say the hard stuff. i was obsessing really hard on a girl recently. it occurred to me i was kind of creating drama in my own mind, and kind of trying to pull my friends into it to keep it alive. when a thought clicks, you can change your approach.


this is a sign, broadly speaking, that you are emotionally unavailable, which is natural, you are grieving. if someone you loved had just died, you wouldnt be giving dates a chance either. if you are going to date, you might change your approach, or your expectations, or both. determine what it is youre after. are you using dating as a means to get over your ex? that can be risky. healthier people in the dating pool can pick up on it, and you wont connect with them. others youll connect with, and not necessarily in the healthiest of ways. do you want to hook up? then just do that. do you want friends of the opposite sex, and/or emotional connection more so than a romantic relationship? cool. plenty of people are in that space, you just need to examine and be clear with yourself as to what it is youre trying to achieve.