BPDFamily.com

While I am detaching and moving on,  this question keeps popping up in my head. Did my BPD ex ever really love me? It’s so hard to believe that he didn’t and that he isn’t capable of love. I was so sure that he truly loved me while we were still in a relationship.

I heard some people say that those with BPD can’t love, while others say that they can love deeply. I’m so confused. What are your thoughts?

i wondered the same thing.

some of the ways she treated me, and especially after our relationship ended, made that a difficult question.

my ex and i were young and dumb when we got together. we were 21, and it was my first adult relationship. we loved hard, and we fought hard. we both said and did things i never want to repeat in a future relationship. we loved each other as much as we could. a hard lesson for me is that thats not always enough to make it work.

today, im many years older. ive grown and matured. my definition of love has, too. i suspect the same is true for my ex. the same is true for a four year old. i dont think most people would suggest that a four year old doesnt love their parents; just that their ability to love, and their idea of love, is limited, and will grow.

did you and your ex love each other differently? were there things said or done that werent necessarily "loving"? were there immature ideas of love? any of those things might be true. but there was nothing fake or unable about it. it just, sadly, isnt always enough.

or's right - we all love the way we know to love. Not sure it's fair to say that BPD's can't love. I've observed genuine loving care from pwBPD. It also seems exceptionally easy for them to slip into manipulative patterns to get their needs met, rather than loving for the sake of loving. 

Did you feel loved? Feeling loved can be a wonderful thing, and no hateful action needs to take that away from you. You are loved and loveable.

Mine was a "gray" divorce after long-term relationship. Looking back, I think that he wanted to love and truly tried. The earlier years were much better than the latter years.

Ultimately it had to end though. It was destroying me, and he never really owned up to what he had done in a way that could heal the relationship. He promised a quick-and-easy divorce that quickly went bad. I felt like he burned every bridge on the way out, as did every legal professional involved. So that was my closure.