BPDFamily.com

Hi all. To state things clearly in advance, I was "the other man" for the past 18 months, to a uBPD woman who discarded me right when we were supposed to get together 'officially'.

I'm puzzled about all the things I read here about the extremely volatile BPD reactions... The screaming, the shouting, the throwing plates, the threatening with suicide, the stalking, the physical violence, the "out in the open" cheating... Sometimes I'm even a little jealous when reading this stuff because then I think "Wow - if things would have been so obvious and so extreme I would have bailed a long time ago."

For me, things were a lot more subtle and harder to make sense of... There were only really two extremes: the love-bombing ideal woman, and the quietly sad, lost, confused woman who needed some time off to "find herself". Even though it was much quieter, if was like a different kind of abuse... The end result was the same: push-pull cycles with a 5 to 6 weeks duration, but it was hard to be angry with her, as her disappearance was never super volatile... She never "attacked" or hurt me in an obvious way. There were zero insults.

Somehow it makes me really angry nonetheless... It felt very manipulative and passive aggressive, as she would in effect push me away right after making big loving promises, but because her reasons were always her own "deeply troubled confusion" I could never make demands or set boundaries because she made it appear as if this was all unintentional. Of course my emotions had no room in this all. I guess that's the definition of passive aggression in the end: you are hurt by your partner, but in such a way that you cannot call her out on this...

I also had a sense that, as long as I walked a "perfect line" of giving and not asking back, of just being there to care for her and not make my own demands, things were perfect between us and she would love-bomb me. Of course after a couple of weeks of this, I would start to press for advances to a real life for us (as she constantly promised). That's invariably when she would retreat and talk about how confusing and difficult this all was for her. Cue the silent treatment. Very damaging of course, since I learned to hide and bury my own needs and wishes after a while, knowing what would ensue if I voiced my own needs --> her disappearing again.

The weird thing is, with her official partner (once again: I was the other man) she did have these big explosive conflicts. Suitcases packed one day, glasses thrown against the wall, and then relative "calm" the very next day. I was always flabbergasted how the umpteenth big fight between them did not lead to the final end of their relationship, instead things always just tended to smooth over - without addressing or solving the fight of course.

It does make me think about the difference between the BPD side and the NPD traits - which she had both. For all the emotional instability and volatility, she seems... Very calculating and selfish in it all - looking out for number one so to speak...

Her cheating (with me and presumably others before and after) was never out in the open. I think in her town she maintains an image of the perfect, successful spouse in spite of it all. She seemed very skilled in arranging and hiding her ways... And in the end, I think she's got it all "figured out" in spite of the chaos in her private life. No guarantees here, but I have the feeling she's looking to just stay with her official partner to keep the big house, fancy  car, money and social status, and keep on cheating on him behind his back... And from how she "misspoke" I can assume that the new guy (who is also at least an emotional past affair) is already lined up or even in her life as we speak - two weeks after proclaiming her undying love to me.

She has a history of going after successful, CEO-type guys - and getting pregnant by accident, thus securing a relationship and financial support for life...

I guess that's the strong NPD side of her... Cold, calculating and selfish... Oh well. Don't know why I'm writing this. Probably need to get it off my chest. I wish I didn't have that need and could just move on and forget about her...

"New guy", by the way, is single, divorced and has three kids, one with special needs, and financial issues stemming from his divorce. And is from her small town. Or to put it bluntly: I don't think she will be inclined to give up her comfortable luxurious "living arrangement" and take on the social stigma in her town, of breaking up again as mom with already three kids from two different fathers, to go for a guy with little spare cash, three kids of his own (with the special needs kid for an extra challenge). From what I hear he was her shoulder to cry on three years ago (read: affair) because of how hard life was for her at home - and he's now being charmed again. After three years!

But her BPD side is probably spinning a story as we speak, of how they were always meant to be together, of how chaotic and difficult her past two years have been, of how I am now probably "just a friend" who developed an obsession and stalking behaviour (which I never did, for the record) and couldn't let her go, so she cut me out and is now mourning over her bad relationship AND a "good friend" who turned out wanting more. And she most likely will spin this into "he wanted more than friendship but I did not want to cheat on my partner". The perfect saintly victim image... Sheesh.

And to be honest... I have the feeling she'll show up in my life again in half a year, when the first infatuation starts to wear off because "new guy" wants to see things progress towards her promises of a life together, and she starts to devalue him because of his demands. So predictable. How I wish karma would unmask her... But for some reason her official partner always takes her back, in spite of the volatility and signs (or sometimes proof) of cheating. She plays things masterfully... And I guess that another strong NPD side of her...

It's uncanny how similar I find all of this, tvda. The narcissism aspect, too. BPD and NPD are highly comorbid conditions, and the overlap between them is considerable.

My assumption is that you weren't the target of explosive anger because you two weren't official. Your woman's pathological fear of engulfment, which is a hallmark of BPD, wasn't linked to you -- it was linked to her official partner, hence him taking the brunt of all associated emotions. He probably suffered the silent treatment at her hands, too; it's just something that she wouldn't have talked about.

It might be a small consolation, but had you two become official, all of her negative feelings would have been projected onto you.

I was the other woman, too -- though my ex broke up with his girlfriend before we started our relationship. We'd been in a professional relationship two years prior -- and it had been just as you described, idealisation mixed with the occasional silent treatment. When we got together romantically, I was shocked to discover a raging despot I'd never seen before. The push-pull cycles continued as previously, but with much greater intensity.

(He did remain in contact with his ex the entire time, but that's a different story...)

Same pattern as yours, by the way -- as long as I showed no needs of my own and did everything he wanted, everything was glorious. But as soon as I tried to set a minor boundary, or voiced something that bothered me, everything went to hell. I apologised for things I should never apologised for more often than I could count.

It led to a complete catch-22 for me: I was unhappy, but I had no choice but to put up with it. Even though he treated me as he pleased, and often very poorly, I was not allowed to "slip up" in the intensity of my affections, not even slightly, because otherwise all hell would break loose.

Even though he constantly devalued me and frequently treated me like a nuisance, pushing me away for days and weeks on end, I was expected to give him 100% affection and understanding at all times. Finally, I decided to cancel one of our set date nights (i.e. him hanging out at my place, eating dinner cooked by me, expecting to be entertained) the day before. It was the first time I had ever done this. He immediately (!) phoned, was in tears (!), yelling and sobbing that I was going to break up with him. I said I wasn't, that I just had a lot of things going on at work (which I did) and that I needed an evening to myself; and warmly reassured him that I wasn't going to leave him, that it was just that one evening.

He broke up with me the next day.

During all the time we were together, it always felt as if he had everything from me, while I had nothing from him. This was a recurring theme in our relationship. It showed early on, even in the first blissful weeks, and continued right until the very end.

Hi Sappho... Yes, the resemblances are uncanny... It's crazy... People with BPD are humans, and as such there are infinite variations, but in the end they are variations on the same theme...

I'm sad to hear that you were dealing with a BPD partner with strong narcissistic traits, as I have. So very damaging... It is a small consolation to hear from you that the romantic relationship would probably have been more of the same - just more intense. It makes me feel sorry for her three kids, who have to live in this toxic environment...

Just weighing in to say - hey "me three" BPD/NPD traits - abusive and calculating. Depending on who one wishes to listen to, there really isn't a major difference between BPD/NPD once one experiences full on abuse.   I just found a pod-cast where the therapist has trademarked a new term - hijackals - as in people, regardless of the reason, who hi-jack relationships in a predatory or totally self-serving way. Her contention is, and I would agree, that once one gets to the stage we are talking about here, learning to recognize traits to set down proper boundaries is where it's at.

Have a great day all.

Rev.

Rev, you're right on setting boundaries. On the subject, there's a great podcast called "Beyond Bitchy", which deals exclusively with this subject -- and also more precisely, how to set boundaries with narcissists, with mother-enmeshed people, etc. Much recommended.

Gonna check ✔ it out!