BPDFamily.com

 :hi:This is my first post. I am happy to connect with parents of adult children with BPD. Our 24-year-old daughter lives with us. She is against medication for depression, but is self-medicating on a regular basis with alcohol and drugs. I have been through an online course with a great organization, and I learned a lot about the disorder. I am very concerned about my daughter's physical and mental health. She works full time (which we are very grateful for) , but comes home every night and drinks and smokes in excess, alone in the basement. She has had several failed relationships in the past 2 years, and came to live with us after a failed suicide attempt  when her significant other broke off their relationship. We drove home from a vacation to move her back home with us.

She has come a long way since moving in with us, getting a job and buying her own car. She works at a physically demanding job which pays little. She wants to earn enough to move out on her own, but that is unlikely in her current position. She is very smart but will not consider any kind of further education or certification.

I think my biggest frustration is her unwillingness to practice good hygeine, eat a healthier diet, and take care of her dog (we often care for the dog when she's at work and when she stays overnight at a friends on the weekend, which happens often).

I am looking to talk with others who may have similar issues and have found ways to "stop walking on eggshells." So glad to have found this group! Thanks, bpdmommamidwest

Hey, welcome -- glad you found the group. This is a great place to connect, problem solve, vent, and generally feel like you don't have to explain why your family member is, uh, different. We get it.

You're really clear in your post about the positives and negatives around your D's situation. She is in a better place than in the past, having bought a car on her own, and is holding down a demanding (at least physically) job. This is really amazing and positive.

And, when you look at how she's living, you've narrowed down your "pain points" to -- her personal hygiene, her diet, and her care of HER dog.

I'm guessing that when it comes to addressing hygiene/diet/dog with her, you feel like you're "walking on eggshells" -- you can't really say what you want or feel, or there'll be an explosion? Something like that?

It also sounds like there is a point that's neither positive nor negative -- that she seems unwilling to pick a more intellectually challenging job and/or advance her education? Am I getting your vibe correct, that what you would love for her is to challenge herself there, as you believe she is capable, but you also kind of accept that this is where she is?

Looking forward to hearing more from you whenever works for you;

kells76

Hi hi, your title of still coping after all these years made me want to look at your post because I'm in the same situation. My daughter is 21 years old though, hasn't worked in over 2 years, uses the pandemic as an excuse not to work because the face mask hurts her face by the slightest touch. I do suspect she may have trigeminal neuralgia because her ex-boyfriend has told me that there is times when the pain was so severe that she wanted to kill herself. She too is drinking excessively, does not stay on her medication consistently. I'm so frustrated, I too am walking on eggshells, she becomes very explosive if I try to push her to get a job or stop drinking or anything like that. She did progress a little bit over the years when this whole thing started when she was 14 but she continues to cut her self when she has anxiety. She sees a therapist and a psychiatrist but does not do the work that is needed to heal. I am trying to get her to go back into a 30-day treatment program, but not having very much luck. I feel she's spiraling down and it's going to eventually end up on the streets. I can't continue to have her come and go as she pleases at my home sleep all day binge watch TV drink all day etc etc it's so out of control I don't know what to do anymore. When she runs out of money she engages in risky behavior she goes online and sells her body for sex. I am so numb about everything that's been happening I am feeling stuck, I am almost ready to have her leave my home because I am not getting anywhere. Maybe send her to live with her father who unfortunately lives with his parents and is also an alcoholic. Thought I would just vent out on this site today, I am just feeling very discouraged and sad and helpless because I don't know how to help my child.

Thanks, kells76, you hit the nail on the head. Saying anything that could be interpreted as criticism puts her in a tailspin. I have to watch my facial expressions as well. She will just storm off instead of having a conversation if we do bring up anything like cleaning up her own messes, or the way she may dress to go out, which is usually a punk vibe with torn stockings, too short of dress with no underwear and ill fitting clothes due to recent weight gain from little activity and lots of drinking, smoking and eating.

I do accept where she is now when I think of where she was. I am trying to be patient and revel in the progress she has made albeit slow. I keep thinking if she would just get involved in something and out of herself, she could grow. Thanks much for your response.

Gizzi- I hear all you are saying. Our daughter started this journey by cutting herself when she was 14 as well. She barely made it through high school and after graduation became involved in the local punk scene. She became the lead singer in a band. She went to many different therapists, and was in a residential facility for a few weeks when she was 20. After she got out she decided to move to a large city about 2 and half hours away from us and live with her then partner. When that fell through after 2 years, she attempted suicide and she moved back home. I am very concerned about her virtual sex life. I am not certain what she does, but when I go to clean up the food left in her room, there are tell-tale signs of things I am not even sure of, except they seem to have an S and M vibe. I am very concerned about what she is into, and think drinking may contribute to her doing things she might not otherwise do. At one point I stopped talking to her about what she should do. I decided it wasn't working anyway. It seemed to help because she did eventually find a job. But it was a slow process, several months. I decided to try this after taking a family connections course through NEABPD. It was free, but I had to wait a while to get into the virtual course. It really helped me understand more about this disorder. It is still very frustrating and I feel I have to give up my aspirations for her and let her figure it out. I am hoping she will eventually go on medication and stop self-medicating. Hang in there and let's keep in touch.

Gizzi and BPDmommamidwest - My 22 year old daughter is currently on her own. I have been advised by multiple therapists for many years now. Before this recent break, she lived at college (on a presidential award), with me, with a boyfriend, or with one of my sons. I learned to start asking her to accomplish things to be able to receive support. So, if you are living with me you need to stay sober, help out with the pets, help clean the house, and so on. This was pretty difficult to do because the response was usually pretty bad. As I progressed, I started to tell her that abusive behavior wouldn't be tolerated. I made getting some sort of help a condition for support. She complied to some degree but violated the conditions fairly often. From what I understand about BPD, it is important to not accept abuse and to stay firm with consequences. As someone who has struggled with the aforementioned, it does feel good to have drawn a line and stood by it. My daughter is also heavily into sex work which was probably the reason I worried for so long about her being on her own. At the same time, I see that sex work was also a way to consistently get back at me. In the larger sense, I finally seem to understand that I can't fix her - she is the only person who can do that. Once she left, I told her that my heart went with her and that I hope she will make choices that help her instead of hurting her. She wrote back that she loves me (something I never get to hear). So, for me, the "worst" has happened - but I feel more peace than I have for some time. I don't believe I would be at this place, however, without help from some excellent therapists. I wish the best for both of you.

Thank you for your response, Depletedmom. You bring up some great points. I am not good with enforcing consequences. My daughter will tell me she will comply, then violate our agreement. It's really hard with an adult child. But, it is something I need to work on. We recently spoke about her talking to a therapist again. I think it would help her to talk to a third party about the trauma of losing her father at a young age and the ensuing abandonment issues which seem to hold her back. She was in therapy from age 14-17. That practitioner used DBT therapy and that helped her stop cutting eventually. But now as an adult she is relying on overuse of drugs and alcohol to help her cope. I think it's time for a different approach and with the help of her older half-sister (trained as a clinical therapist) I learned about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). I have recommended this to her just today and hope she will reach out to a local practitioner. Perhaps I will need to make it a condition to remain living here. Thank you again for your insights. It really is a slippery slope advocating for your child and at the same time caring for yourself. I am happy you have a sense of peace, and I hope to reach that place for myself at some point.