BPDFamily.com

I haven’t posted for a year now; to recap I have been married for 38 years to a hBPD. We have been retired for 3 years and moved to a new state. It was very hard making new friends because of his behavior. My retirement was voluntary, he was fired from yet another job. (7 in total)  Last year I found this site and it has been extremely helpful. For many months, I held my cool and tried to de-escalate most fights and issues based on what I learned.
His favorite thing to do if a fight does escalate is too lock himself in our guest room for long periods of time.
I started to keep a “private” calendar with symbols that showed how many time he acted out. Those symbols now cover my calendar. It is getting harder and harder to deal with this.
As many of you have shared, going out socially without your BPD partner causes all kinds of issues. Monday night I played cards with friends for 2 hours. When I came home in a great mood, I said, “ Hey, I finally won tonight $20.00, what are you watching?” He was sitting in the dark living room watching TV. No answer, no acknowledgement, just silence for the rest of the evening. Next morning I was upset, couldn’t help it this time. I accused him of being mad because I went out. Well, as you can imagine, he said that he did nothing wrong, it was me being a bitch again. Now he is locked in the bedroom again at 6:00 pm for the rest of the night or maybe for days.
Again, like so many of you, at 69 years old I am exhausted, sad, depressed and wondering how to go forward. It has been awhile since we have “gotten along”.
Thanks for listening.

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

What if...what if him locking himself in the room got you a "treat" and was a good thing, instead of a bad thing?

Right now I'm getting the idea that it happens in times you wish you had a connection with him or times come up when you want connection and he is locked away.

So...what if you see him locked away and went out for coffee and bakery treat...or maybe there is a massage place you can get in on short notice (you get the idea).

Am I correct that you "wait" on him to emerge? 

What if you didn't "wait"?  So on Friday he locks himself in and you treat yourself to a weekend away.  He emerges and freaks out that you aren't there and reaches out.

Instead of you freaking out in return..you stay neutral and perhaps are sad he missed out on life...quickly pivoting to planning a future weekend together.  If he pitches a fit and misses that weekend..guess what...you go.

Wash rinse repeat until he realizes that his acting out impacts him..but not you.

How does this sit with you?

Best,

FF

Thank you formflier for your advice. You are correct, I waste time waiting for him to emerge. I need to take control of the situation and practice more of the techniques learned on this site. I was doing well for a while and just became so weary that I fell back into my old behaviors of getting tangled up in his BPD behaviors.

Break this down into small manageable bites.

He withdraws...you treat yourself extra special.  EVERY TIME  EVERY TIME.

What other things is he doing or are frustrating you?  

Are you open for working through some different stuff...?

Best,

FF

FF,

The common thread in our issues is my relationships with friends and family specially my elderly father. I have become so conditioned to expecting a bad outcome, that I dread making plans or being on the phone. I really need to work on this.