BPDFamily.com

Hi there,

I posted about this before, but my ex of three years began dating someone 3 months after we ended things. About 4 months later she was pregnant. A lot of people said I dodged a bullet but is this true even if the pregnancy was accidental? Does this indicate immaturity on her part?

it doesnt feel that way, apparently. i think thats the important part.

youre dealing with two things: youre having doubts, and youre grieving. there is no quick fix to resolving those feelings.

looking back at your story, you mentioned that you broke up with her because you couldnt take being a relationship with her anymore.

tell us more about what led you to break up with her, and why you did it. exploring that may ultimately help you reach resolution.

I felt like I did dodge a bullet for a while especially after people told me I did. A part of me feels unsure all of a sudden. What if they were just thinking she did it on purpose? Then of course I know I did. But if it was accidental, did I still?

She was very clingy. I found she never took ownership of her wrong doings either. She pushed boundaries. She wasn’t the kindest person either. For the vast majority of our relationship, I had a feeling that something didn’t feel right.

what is it that youre unsure about?

whether you dodged a bullet or not, those seem like significant reasons to break up with someone.

I suppose I am curious if her getting pregnant accidentally served as more proof that I dodged a bullet.

i guess im just not understanding the significance of her pregnancy is in the equation.

do you regret breaking up with her?

Perhaps I am not explaining it correctly. No I don’t regret breaking up with her. I was curious what other people thought about her getting pregnant to her new supply. Does it make a difference if it was an accident or not? I was hoping people would agree with me in thinking that her getting pregnant accident or not is an indication of immaturity or other issues.

I just liked to see her actions as extra proof I made the right call in ending things.

FWIW, my husband's kids' mom and him were separated in January of a year, she was going out to dinner with his best friend in May, DH and ex were officially divorced in June, Mom and (now former) best friend were engaged in October, married in January, and their baby arrived in September -- 8 months after the wedding. She actually said it was a "honeymoon baby". Looking back, there were... comments... I wish I'd made. But they were snarky comments ("wow, how modern to have the honeymoon before the wedding") and would not have been effective.

I suspect that the brains and "attribution of causality" part of pwPD's thinking is very, very different from the way our brains work and we attribute causality. I don't know that the categories of "accident" or "on purpose" have the same clear distinction to pwPD's as they do to us. It might not be meaningful to try to figure out if she "meant to" get pregnant or not, as her brain probably isn't working with those categories at all.

Often, pwPD's see the world as "things happening to them" that they have no control over. Accident vs on purpose might not be the dynamic. I suspect it's more "it hurt me" or "it didn't hurt me".

Misattribution of causality is a huge thing. It's like how we know that if we feel hurt (like, I just stubbed my toe) and you are in the room, you didn't necessarily cause my hurt, even though you are there and I'm hurting. For pwPD's, the brain organization is more like -- "I feel hurt (I just stubbed my toe) and you are around; therefore, you caused my hurt. Obviously, because things happen to me, versus me contributing to things happening in my life. It's not that I'm a bit clumsy and stubbed my own toe. I don't have the brain wiring to see my own contribution to my pain. It comes from outside of me, therefore, if you're around, you must be the cause of my pain."

I think there could be a similar structure at play with the pregnancy. It's just something that happened to her. The issue for her isn't "accident" or "I meant to", it's "am I in emotional pain or not".

...

All that being said, I think it's been discussed before on this thread, but fast pregnancies aren't necessarily typical in healthy relationships. It all depends, though, on context.

And, as OR is suggesting, it circles back to you and how you're doing with things.

The way DH's ex's pregnancy impacted me was to have insight that she might be desperately trying to not be lonely, and she found a way (whether "accidentally" or "on purpose" did not matter) that she thought would keep a partner around. My reflection is -- how sad to be that desperate, and would I want to be in a relationship with an emotionally desperate person.

I'm curious whether you would want to be in a relationship with an emotionally desperate person.

MintyBat, can I be frank? When it comes down to it, people don’t get pregnant “accidentally”. Yes, there is a 0.1% chance (or something in that order of magnitude) of contraceptives failing, but in most cases people can’t get pregnant without making a conscious (however misguided) choice to:
1) Not use contraceptives
2) Not, uhm, “pulling back”
3) In case of “accidents”, not taking the morning after pill
4) In case of pregnancy, choosing to keep the baby instead of picking abortion.

I know I’m oversimplifying a bit, but then again, there are a number of deliberate steps required to get pregnant ‘by accident’.

If you ask me: yes, you have dodged a bullet.

Hey Kells76,

No, I definitely would not want to be in a relationship with an emotional desperate person. My ex does seem to be this type of person. Your husband probably felt strange about what happened with his ex wife and former friend. It sounds like she has some issues herself. Thank you very much for your input.

Hi tvda,

Yes, you can absolutely be frank. I think you are correct. I of thought to myself it isn’t difficult to avoid a pregnancy. I feel like people might make lame excuses, but they are just simply that: lame excuses.

Also, thank you for your input.