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Title: argument Post by: chaoticwifey on July 11, 2021, 07:37:31 PM My husband has BPD and I have no idea how to have any type of discussion with him.
We are currently in the middle of an argument. He thinks I prioritized going out over him and that it is more important to me than him. I almost never go out socially, and I was the only one invited. He was working that particular evening. When he got off he sent me a text asking me how I was. He had said he wasn't doing well. I said that I was good. He got mad and just sent back "thanks for the invite". I told him I could come home anytime and that I thought that he could have communicated his needs better than how he just did. He just replied, "don't worry about it". Then he was mad with how late I stayed out. Then when I got home he told me that he should not have had to tell me to come home to him. I should have cancelled my plans to be with him because he told me he wasn't well. I don't want to assume his needs and I had told him I could come home. He pushed me away, and now I'm being punished for not being a mind reader. That's what it feels like anyway. I'm currently waiting for him to come home so that we can talk and I was trying to find online resources to help me communicate without invalidating his feelings, and I'm getting frustrated. Most of them are suggesting things I already am familiar with and implement (husband has gone to AA for five years and I have gone to Al-Anon for two years so I learned strategies from there). I just don't know what to do. Everything I've said so far just makes it worse. I make sure I listen but I struggle to find the words and then he gets mad that I'm being quiet. If anybody has any resources they can point me to or help, it would be greatly appreciated. At the very least I feel my thoughts are more organized now that I've typed this up. Thank you :) Title: Re: argument Post by: Ventak on July 11, 2021, 11:18:10 PM Hi, and welcome to the family. So glad you found us!
My husband has BPD and I have no idea how to have any type of discussion with him. We are currently in the middle of an argument. He thinks I prioritized going out over him and that it is more important to me than him. Your argument sounds very familiar to me... fairly typical of discussions with my BPDw. There are some amazing tools on this site to help foster better communication with pwBPD, hopefully some of it will resonate with you. If anybody has any resources they can point me to or help, it would be greatly appreciated. At the very least I feel my thoughts are more organized now that I've typed this up. Thank you :) There are two tools that are usually recommended as starting points (Don't JADE, and listen with Empathy). They can be found in the BASIC TOOLS/IMMEDIATE HELP section of this page: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347835.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347835.0) Please let us know if you have further questions, and hope you gain as much out of this site as I have. |