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Title: uBPD MIL - Who should I tell/ talk to? Post by: Forestrain123 on July 12, 2021, 10:51:47 PM My partner and I went to a couples therapist who has said my MIL most definitely has BPD. No one knows this. I haven't spoken to those closest to me (I moved away with my partner to his home town).
Do I tell my family/friends? Those with BPD or parents with BPD, would you find this would hurt you? I don't want to hurt my partner but I also don't want to keep my family in the dark, I find myself skipping over conversations and avoiding any topics about his family in case I open the flood gates. Maybe I should just stick to this forum and a therapist. I feel like this may get hard to do when kids are involved? Should my partner and I tell his siblings? They know something is seriously wrong with their mum, but they believe my her story that she is the victim and her husband has oppressed her, and I guess after all these years in an unhappy marriage shes just 'lost it'. Her kids have always been "all good" and the husband (my partners dad) is "all bad". What do my partner and I do with this new information? I feel like we just want to ignore it, they're not moving back for a couple of years, they're just returning for their wedding, but I worry that something will happen to them (like it has happened to us) especially because my BF's brother has just got engaged and my MIL has already mentioned literally the day after that she is worried she won't be included in the wedding planning. I'm worried my partners brother and his fiance will be angry that we've held onto this information. I don't want to put any shadows on this happy time either, maybe theres a chance nothing will even happen Title: Re: uBPD MIL - Who should I tell/ talk to? Post by: pursuingJoy on July 13, 2021, 09:49:20 AM Do I tell my family/friends? Those with BPD or parents with BPD, would you find this would hurt you? In my experience, telling people about a loved one's likely BPD hasn't had much success, for a few reasons. 1. Family's are inclined to triangulate. This includes all of my MIL's family, who already has a belief about who she is, and why she is that way. I will not tell them. 2. When I was calm, stable and about two years in, I finally did tell my mom about the probable diagnosis. I needed someone meaningful outside of my immediate circle to know. My message: "It is likely that MIL has BPD, at least that is what the counselor believes can explain much of her behavior. It means she feels everything intensely and has trouble regulating her emotions. I've studied the disorder to better understand, and I learned to set better boundaries." I stayed pragmatic and factual and let my mom know that I was taking steps to address it. If I sobbed and cried and told my mom how difficult it had been, or I kept her posted on altercations, it may have prompted my mom to want to come to my defense...more harmful than helpful. 3. The last person I mentioned the potential diagnosis to was my H, who has been extremely resistant to hearing anything negative about his mom. When I finally did, it had been weeks since we fought about it and we were both more calm. I was surprised and underwhelmed at his blank look - he said it wouldn't matter even if she did have BPD, that was his mom. And he changed the subject. He's not ready. in case I open the flood gates. Maybe I should just stick to this forum and a therapist. I waited until I was stable and knew the floodgates wouldn't open. I stuck to my therapist and this site, too. I'm so glad I did all of that. I'm worried my partners brother and his fiance will be angry that we've held onto this information. Do you think they've seen any of her behaviors? If your future SIL comes to you to share frustrating MIL behavior, a solid approach may be to share how you've addressed that same behavior. Telling people about an unofficial diagnosis sometimes backfires and doesn't always have the effect we intend. Sometimes we unintentionally hand them a burden and make them feel like they need to worry or take care of us. Sometimes we're ripping off a band-aid and they're not ready for it. Sometimes we're handing them information to fuel their dislike, because they're not committed to understanding BPD. Not saying do or don't, just some stuff to think about. pj :heart: Title: Re: uBPD MIL - Who should I tell/ talk to? Post by: beatricex on July 13, 2021, 02:52:02 PM hi Foresttrain123,
I think at the point that you are ready to go no contact with all those siblings of your husband, telling them their mom is BPD is absolutely OK. I recently told 1 brother (I have 5 siblings) that I think our mom is BPD. I told him 30 years after I had the revelation. I explained it in detail for hours, and told him our mom sent me the book on it, and that is how I initially learned of it. He disagreed and we are now NC (my choice to protect me). It's not something anyone wants or expects to hear. If you wait for them to tell you you may get a better response. b |