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Following conflict a few days ago little has improved. I have listened to how hollow and empty she feels. She did. It officially end our relationship this time but she may as well have. I am paralyzed in my conversations because I am fearful she will throw away the minuscule progress we may have made. I just don’t know or understand necessarily what has actually happened and how we ended up in this place.

My partner has agreed to counseling but is now complaining that I am making it complicated. I have quite honestly just asked for her opinion on a therapists biography. My internal self is paralyzed because I don’t want to upset the situation but I am screaming inside. I feel as if she has no actual desire for this or for it to work. I feel like this is unimportant to her by her responses.

To make matters worse for me a friend has sent me a photo of her dancing with her ex at a bar. Now she was honest that she saw her ex but did not mention the dancing. So I don’t sound like I am jealous and possessive, I do have valid reasons for not liking her ex. So not only do I feel hurt by the initial reveal from her but now I feel humiliated. I don’t know  if I should leave this alone knowing what pain comes with attempting to address it. I just feel like a prisoner right now but I love her. I love her to my detriment because my needs and feelings don’t get met or acknowledged most of the time. I feel like I cannot express my feelings freely right now and am unsure of where to step…oh the eggshells.

I wish I could deal with this rationally and know that I would not be persecuted for having feelings or real world problems and fears and questions. This train has gotten stuck and looking for any ideas that may help start the engine again.

What is cracking me up is that I even attempt to make sure I am not overly critical here because I don’t want to sound cruel….God, what area of my life has this disorder not touched and twisted….

I ha e begun to write a lot of things down. I apologize for using this as a forum to complain. I am at a loss. My friends all say walk away. I am torn. Internally I cannot imagine doing to the person I love what has been done to her all along. On the other side of that coin is the big question…is she even capable of knowing that? Knowing that I didn’t leave despite it all. Am I a fool to believe that we can reach a semi peace or construct a plan of action. Or is it that I must just harden myself for the endless cyclical BPD wrecking ball. My partner can acknowledge her issue, she is in therapy. Is it helping? How will I know? How do I help or is it best to just get out of the way? Does she feel or is it a shell?

Really thank you all for being here. I can see my own escalation and sometimes just writing it out will allow for clarity or at least solace that someone may feel the same or know what I am dealing with.

So this is the text I re wives today. Mind you this morning she let me know it was ok to stay at the house but then backhanded me. H adding I can take my things when I go to work. The. The weird therapist discussion and now this:

What I know right now: I’m in the middle of a deep confusing BPD episode, I’m exhausted emotionally, I need to breathe, I need space, I want to go to therapy with you, I hate how I am feeling, I care about you, I wish I could snap out of this. That is all I know right now.

It makes me feel horrible for being angry but don’t I have a right to my feelings. I have not responded as I am not sure how to navigate this minefield.

How's things today?

Well, no real change. My partner says she is splitting and is detached. Does anyone have any idea how to deal with this or ways to cope? I guess I am just fearful that she will split me permanently. I just told her I was there for her but otherwise have left her alone. Any advice would be certainly welcomed.

Have you read the lessons on splitting?  I need to read up on this too. I find myself so mentally exhausted when living it that I can't find the energy to research, so maybe someone else has some tips?

Have you tried sending a SET message?