BPDFamily.com

 :help:

I'm struggling. I've been out of contact with my BPD mother since 2005. It's a long story but she was becoming violent and it was finally time to save myself. I got married that year and in many ways feel like my life finally began. Sometimes I struggle with the decision but I have build a happy and healthy family and now have a life I never thought I would have with my husband and 13 year old son.

Recently, a friend asked me about my biological father. I knew very little about him except what I had been told - he married a woman with 5 kids and even though I was his only biological child he didn't want me. I haven't seen him since I was a child and I'm 45 now. I only have good memories of him and his step-kids.

My friend had worked with one of his step-kids and wanted to know if I knew if he was still alive. I didn't know. She asked if she could ask his step-daughter and I said yes. This led to me talking to his step daughter who told me he had always talked about me and referred to me as part of the family. Eventually she asked if I would speak with him. I said he could email.

When he emailed it was clear he was very nervous and didn't know what to say. He said he would honestly answer any question. I asked what happened. Why was he not in my life?

He wrote a long and moving email detailing that my mother had chosen to keep him out of my life. One day she told him he would never see me again. She called all his friends and family and told them too. She even called his work. My father was living in poverty (and has chronic illness) and my mother was now married to her 3rd husband who could afford to give her whatever she wanted (they divorced long ago). My father could not afford to take her to court. My mother could hire any lawyer she wanted. If she answered his calls she always told him to give her money to see me. I do remember seeing him 3 or 4 times as a child and I do remember him giving her money when he picked me up. I have a letter from him talking about his health problems and lack of money from 1984. ALL of his email sounded familiar - not in regards to him but I have seen her do these things to other people. He explained that after several years he decided it was best for me to let go and stop fighting. I know my mom and this makes sense. He would never, ever win. Even with all this he did not bad mouth my mother.

I have been emailing with my father for a couple months now and it has been wonderful. He seems like a deeply caring, intelligent and thoughtful person. It feels familiar and many long forgotten GOOD memories have been coming to mind.

There's only one problem. It HURTS. How could anyone rob me of a life with my father? His step-kids are so welcoming and call me their sister. I grew up in hateful and difficult household. I could have had siblings and a biological father (I have 3 biological brothers that choose not to be in contact with me because I'm not in contact with our mom. We all have different fathers).

How could my mother do this to me? How do I move past all the years I've lost? My father is 71 years old now and I'm 45. I truly believe we can have a relationship from here but we live across the country from each other. I had gotten used to not having parents in my life but now I feel robbed. It feels so personal since my mother let my brothers have their fathers in their lives. Why me? Is this about BPD or is she just a terrible person...?

Thank you for listening,

Lexicat

lexicat, I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how much it hurts. It's so hard to understand how people can be so cruel. I guess with BPD, maybe they're so wrapped up in their own pain that they are unable to empathize or understand how their behavior is hurtful?

Your story is similar to my mother-in-law's. My MIL was the oldest of 4 kids, hated by her mom, and raised by her grandmother. MIL's mom had 3 kids by her second husband. My MIL was treated horribly by her mom. Even on her deathbed 4 years ago, she refused to tell her who her dad was and it's left a gaping hole in my MIL. We've done Ancestry and 23andMe tests, we've discovered some distant family but nothing confirmed yet. She is 73 and still has no idea who her dad was. It still hurts. I'd feel robbed too.

Yours is such a beautiful story. I think it's beautiful that he referred to you as part of the family, and that he answered all of your questions honestly, and that you reconnected after all that time. I love that you have a dad now. I also imagine that the happiness you feel is closely tied to grief and anger and hurt.

In the end, BPD took losses but it didn't win, did it?



  

I don't often post on BPDFamily anymore but your experience really resonated with me, Lexicat.  Your father sounds like a treasure and your found-family sound warm and welcoming. Your sense of loss at having been deprived of such connections since childhood feels so raw. 

My sister did the same thing to her children's fathers (twice) and then did the same thing to me and my brother when my mother developed dementia and terminal cancer.  I could be wrong, but I'm guessing based on my family's experience that your mother felt rejected by your father or perhaps threated by your relationship with him in a way she did not with the fathers of your biological brothers.  I am profoundly sorry that you and your father bore the brunt of her wrath for so long.  While such losses never go away entirely, I hope in time the pain fades as your relationships with your father and your sisters deepen. 

Lexicat, I'm so sorry.  Maybe what you are going through right now are the stages of grieving.  Anger is one of them.  Understable since you have suffered the loss of a relationship over many decades because of the decisions of your mother.

There is no understanding of the decisions disordered people make.  They don't make sense to anyone but themselves, and they only serve the disordered person.  I wouldn't invest time into trying to understand her behavior.

You have been given a gift.  It seems like a miracle that your friend worked with one of his step-kids, which led to you and your dad being reunited with each other via email.  Your dad sounds like a wonderful person, and his heart must have been broken that he lost contact with you. However, he understood your mom, the financial situation, his reality, and made what he thought was the best decision he could make at the time.  But the two of you were meant to find each other again it seems, and so I would encourage you to embrace the present, and let go of the past (it's just going to be wasted negative energy and won't change anything that happened).  Enjoy each experience with him (email, phone, text, and hopefully and in-person reunion) from here on forward.  I'm so happy you were able to reconnect after this time.  It's so loving and heartwarming that he always referred to you as part of his family.  What a beautiful gift. :love-it:

Thank you so much for everyone's responses. It really means so much. My friends don't understand what I'm going through and most are just telling me to look on the bright side and move forward. It's so hard to think of the years I've lost... I just learned my mother forced my father out and that he really wanted to be in my life. I need time to heal, again. After so much healing old wounds are wide open again. I'm going to come back and read the replies again tomorrow. Your responses are exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you...