BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone. I wish I didn't have to write a new post so soon.

I went no contact a month ago and I have been determined to work on myself (I am depressed...and I show symptoms of codependency). However, something happened.

I had to break NC after being diagnosed with HPV. Now...luckily there shouldn't be any major consequences, but I know where it came from. I sent my ex pwBPD a text, just telling him to be careful and to get checked too. I didn't want to play the blame game, nor engage in a conversation that I felt would be harmful, especially in this moment of extreme vulnerability. He asked me to call him, telling me how terribly sorry he was. I did, and man...I had no idea that the things he said and did afterwards would have such terrible consequences.

I have always, in a way, justified his behaviour, his rebounds, his coldness, his stunning ability to move on in a blink of an eye. After all, he has an untreated personality disorder. A few days ago I changed my mind. I think this person DOES want to hurt me. Let's start with the conversation. He talked for 5 endless minutes, saying that his life couldn't be better. He has come back after living abroad for 2 months. He has started a relationship with a girl he met last year. I remember her, he kept saying she was just a friend and wouldn't have kept in touch with her after moving abroad anyway. Now he's even brought her home and invited her to his brother's wedding. I was shaking with rage and helplessness, but I  just replied that I wasn't doing so well and told him, "I am glad for you, I'd rather not be in touch Please, be careful and get an HPV test".

I left the morning after, crying, hoping to breathe some fresh air and calm down. But...the day after I received a call from a friend of mine. The 'old' group of friends was meeting. My ex himself had organized the reunion. "Hasn't he told you?" No, he hadn't "But he told us to meet in the town you live in!" Cold sweat, I didn't know what to say. In the end, I just told him that I wasn't home - luckily.

A few days afterwards, I heard that he had brought his girlfriend too. So...he brought her to the place where I live, told all our common friends (who live elsewhere) to meet there, planned a whole party with the people who are supposed to be my support system, informed me afterwards and also added: "My girlfriend and I are going on a trip in a month, OUR friends are coming with us too".

I blocked him, removed every trace of him. Try to call back my "friends" who said they were sorry, but didn't add much. I am also afraid to see him around: he had no reason to come here, but he did, and he might do it again. I am scared, broken, tired, angry. I feel like this person wants to see my life burn when I wasn't even the one ending our 6-year long relationship. I feel like I am just a broken person, waiting to be replaced by the people I care about...I just don't know what to do and I feel like all the work I am putting myself through is just pointless...

Continue to work on yourself - even in small steps. It may feel pointless right now. Tell yourself this truth as many times as you need to:  Every small step in the right direction will add up. In six months, regardless of the things out of your control, you will not be the same person. You will have changed. You can re-evaluate then. And you can restart the process with the slightly "new-you" as the new bench mark.

Hang in there.

Rev

I agree with the poster above - take it one day at a time. Every day that you work on yourself gradually builds up.

If he’s not going to get help for himself he’s going to repeat the same patterns because he has not stopped to self reflect on the things that he needs to work on so that he doesn’t repeat the same pattern.

If you do the self work things will be different because you’re not repeating the same choices.

This. Absolutely this.

There's tons of resources on YouTube on BPD and (which might also apply to your ex) narcissistic personality disorder. Listening to it will help you realise you're not alone.

And as Rev said: Progress, not perfection. You can get through this, and you will. Small steps add up incrementally.

If he was as happy as he says, then he wouldn’t  put effort into trying to prove to you that he is happy. Truly happy people don’t hurt others.

methinks thou dost protest too much
Used to indicate that someone (not necessarily a woman) is only denying something so fervently because the opposite is actually true. Adapted from the line "the lady doth protest too much, methinks" in Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act III, Scene

He has BPD, if he was really happy, he would be detaching and painting her black. Happiness scares these people.

Thank you all for your support.

You're absolutely right...what is happening shouldn't prevent me from working on myself.

I guess it just hurts to know that a person I love is putting effort into making me feel unsafe, rejected and alone, which are things I have always been struggling against.

I don't really want him to be unhappy, although I can't stand him being or feeling happy at my own expense, especially when he knows how much I have been struggling against my own abandonment issues. But yeah...as all of you said, the recent events should just remind me that detachment and self-improvement are not only healthy but necessary.

Thank you for bringing up the NPD disorder, too. I don't want to start making diagnoses, but as I have read many times on this forum, it's not uncommon for people with BPD to show narcissistic traits...

Hugs!