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Title: Need guidance Post by: B1125 on July 19, 2021, 08:09:48 PM So, I’m new to this. For awhile now I’ve been pretty aware of my fiancées disorder and the internet is my only resource. I dont have anyone in my life I can reach out too for advice- so I really hope someone can help me out here!
So a bit of background: My fiancé is quite the jealous type, she’s really afraid that when I begin college next month that I will find someone else and abandon her, due to her bpd. She fully expects for me to NOT talk to ANYONE unless there’s absolutely no other choice. The thing is, I have ended all my previous friendships to show my devotion to this relationship. I really have no one, no family or friends other than her, and I feel hurt that she doesn’t approve of me making friends out of fear that I will leave her. Especially because she herself has her support system, so it feels unfair. I dont know how to tell her I need other people I can trust without making it seem like she’s not good enough for me or just without hurting her feelings in general. I have reassured her plenty of times that I love her and want to be with her forever, which I really really do. I even considered just dropping out of college so that she will feel reassured and not have to be stressing over not being with me, but I would be in debt and I cant afford that. I just feel so hopeless and I don’t know how we’re gonna get through me going to college. Any advice at all? :/ Title: Re: Need guidance Post by: once removed on July 19, 2021, 11:27:08 PM *welcome*
the bottom line is that youre dealing with deep, long held insecurities that no particular action you can take will assuage or alleviate. they are deep, long held insecurities that you need to be mindful and cognizant of, and patient about, if you choose this relationship. but if you have a jealous partner (i did as well), there isnt really any making them a less jealous partner. people with bpd have inherent trust issues (jealousy is not a diagnostic criteria, but extreme jealousy is common). you wont fix this by upending your life. the best way to think of it is as building an overall secure relationship environment - our loved ones thrive in those circumstances - but still accepting that you love a difficult person with these predilections. now, anyone might be nervous about a big change in a relationship. i might be a little nervous if my partner went back to school, that she might meet someone super charming that would sweep her off her feet. i might notice if she got a bit busy or distant. someone with bpd would feel that way, but on steroids. it might be an almost existential fear. the tendency would not be to self sooth, but to think the worst, and, perhaps, act accordingly. the short answer, again, is that you dont upend your life - it doesnt assuage her insecurities, and it just drains you of support and connection, which are vital, especially in a challenging relationship - but you do learn a bit about how to speak her language, so to speak, and how to deal with a jealous person. we have a great workshop on it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0 |