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- When you’re being idealized you’re being dehumanized, they don’t see you. They see a perfect picture.
- When you’re being devalued you’re being abused.
- Even the idealization phase has “micro devaluations”

There’s a lot to unpick and it can be therapeutic to pinpoint all of the things you’ve missed, but there’s a point where it can become obsessive thinking.

Recently I’ve become exhausted with going over and over it in my mind.

Simply put, they cannot be trusted. They are untrustworthy.

Yes to all of these. Very perspicacious observations.

The other day I read my diaries from the time when I fell in love with my ex. I had described every encounter in uncharacteristic detail, and now I'm glad I did. Even the initial euphoria was already dotted with what you call "micro devaluations", and my ex showed all the pathologies that would later spell the end of the relationship: hypersensitivity to criticism, lack of follow-through, jabs at my person, fishing for compliments, "punishing" me when they weren't forthcoming, saying something tender and immediately probing how I would react, etc.

In short, he presented a congruently ill picture from start to finish. I felt that something was off from day one, but I chose not to see it. I denied the truth even when it stared me in the face and waved a giant banner saying "Helloo, this isn't love, it's codependency on someone with a personality disorder".

I think most of us had an early sense of "this is wrong, this is so wrong". But many of us also come from backgrounds that taught us to dismiss those feelings instead of taking a stand for ourselves.

Perhaps we can take this as an opportunity to learn to not only trust our instincts better, but to also sit with them and act upon them. I know I'll try.

Yes, I absolutely felt something was wrong from the beginning. I chose to deny my gut feelings. I think I even used the word codependency to describe my relationship with ex11 years ago and said this was just a stage. I am just sad to see my 3 children now have to experience this with their mother as well.

I know its difficult. It was one of the main worries I had that the ruminations and thoughts would not go away. Part of it for me may have been a way to keep a psychic connection. After all, if id think nothing at all.

So it's about balance. If too much, try to ease it off. If seriously is a disruptive issue and impacting health, reach out there are meds that can turn some of our worst issues into non issues. I took for less than a month olanzapine, later on diazepam when needed. Both made it possible to not just function at work but to have good days too. I never forgot my ex relationship but I wasn't thinking about it 24.7 anymore. A lot of the hell some of us go through is not just fixing via psychological therapy, its biochemistry imbalance. There is supper out there im glad i reached out for it.

Like you say its the 'over' thinking. Thats an issue not thinking or wishing to block it all away. Sounds healthy, good luck.

Oops duplicate post

Support not supper lol

Awesome point.

It made me cry.
Married 14 years 3 kids just took a new job 90. Days ago.
Since taking job ER visit for back pain on day 1 and 2 of new job.
On July 15 and 24 our daughters turned 11 and 9. She yelled at them both on her their birthday. She is especially mad at me. I’m trying so hard to support everyone but I broke down in tears when I usually don’t. I’m
Exhausted.   She recently took of her wedding rings and is just being so distant

This sums up everything perfectly thank you so much for posting this and I’m sorry you’ve had to go through what we’ve had to go through.