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I broke it off with my bpd ex gf 4 months ago. It is probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. I remained connected with her on all social media platforms because I did not want to provoke her by blocking or unfriending, I just muted and kept to myself. Believe it or not the breakup was not as crazy as some others have experienced. When I told her we could not be together anymore she insinuated that I would contact her again someday and then she told me that she loved me and left. Since that point it has been radio silence, about 3 months after the breakup I posted a picture on social media and I noticed within a couple of days she removed me from all her social media. Now a month after she removed me I noticed she tried to hack my Instagram. I am posting here because I would like some input on what her motives could be? Did she remove me from social media to get a reaction since we were not speaking ? Why is she trying to hack my Instagram after removing me from social media? I thought she removed me because she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Should I expect and prepare for her to contact me ?

Some cases maybe. My suggestion - change your information and password to EVERYTHING ASAP. Try and contact law enforcement if she does it again

I'll reinforce what Legal said. I changed every password to every account. She broke up with me - in the end - and still stalked my social media for months via secondary accounts. I can only imagine that the stalking, etc, is worse when they don't feel like they had the power over the break up.

Hope it works out for you!

Are you talking about the "Someone tried to log into your Instagram" e-mail? You might be relieved to hear that it's likely nothing, I got a couple of these, too, in the past few days. According to people on Reddit, this has been happening a lot lately – probably, your email was on a list that was compromised. You can check whether your data is out there here: https://haveibeenpwned.com/

That said – probably not a bad idea to change your password still if this is the case.

No it shows the location and time they tried to log into my Instagram account, that’s how I know.. Appreciate the advice but I changed my password immediately. I could honestly care less about my Instagram I am more concerned about what her motive is and whether she is making a plan to come back into my life somehow.

Was it one of those "[username], we've made it easy to get back on Instagram" messages? It might be that it's not necessarily your ex-girlfriend, but merely a rogue script. Sometimes happens when a third-party program or even Chrome tries to autofill the password and uses an old one. Chrome has recently rolled out an update where it wants to store passwords on your Google account as opposed to on your machine. Could be the reason.

Not trying to invalidate you, just saying that it might be harmless and not cause for concern  :) Of course, if you say you know, you know.

Hey Desu,

Could be. But sounds more like she wants to see if you've moved on, who you're talking to, rather than an attempt to have you contact her.

If it is her, definitely sounds like a symptom of obsessive thinking on her part.

Sorry to hear you're having trouble logging into Instagram. We can help you get straight back into your account.

You could be right but this was the message I received and the location and time was relevant to suggest it could have been her. She knew a lot of my passwords so it seems logical that she would attempt to try and log in. I’m hoping you’re right because I was actually healing quite well I’ve been reading books on trauma bonding and I’ve made great progress in the 4 months since I broke up with her and this sort of gave me a mini relapse.

Sorry to hear about that.

If it helps, I only researched all of the above because the same thing happened to me a few weeks ago. Like you, my immediate reaction was "It's my ex!" The location and time stamp seemed to match, though to be fair, the time stamp could have been virtually anything considering my ex's internet habits, and the location – well, servers are dotted all over the country, and my internet doesn't always connect via the nearest server. So I looked it up and it seems to be a common occurrence – as mentioned, Chrome trying to autofill passwords in the background, or just a general mass attack by a bot with an email list. Both seemed a lot more plausible than my ex (same thing as you, about three months of radio silence) suddenly deciding to log onto my Instagram, of all accounts. I figured if he wanted to hack onto anything, he'd rather try e-mail, or perhaps my Google account, not necessarily Instagram. So I eventually concluded that while he was my first thought, I was probably wrong.

Not saying this is the same case for you. But it could be. Only you know whether probability is on the side of this being a technical issue or your ex trying to log back in.

I'm sorry that you feel that this has thrown you back in your recovery. Ex-partners, or their traces, can re-appear like ghosts. At this point, does it really matter whether it was her? If it wasn't – how would you feel? Why? Those might be interesting aspects to examine.

Desu, can I ask more about the picture. I know we are speculating a little about her doing the hacking, but if we say that she is, what is it about the picture that do you think may have caused this sudden behaviour change?

It’s really all speculation and unless you’re willing to confront her and ask if it was her then I’d say you should change all your passwords and move on.

The picture was a photo of my softball team winning a championship and me holding the MVP plaque. It was the first time I had posted anything on social media since I dumped her and she removed me from all social media after the post. Unfortunately I still miss her, I would never contact her again but I’m not sure how I would react if she reached out. I am not expecting her to reach out simply because I do not think most people with bpd like to take responsibility for their actions and I think her contacting me again would remind her of the behavior that caused me to end our 5 year relationship.

It is ok to miss her. Normal, healthy. Five years relationship has ended and both sides trying to find closure in own unique ways. Still missing the other at times - a mere 4 months afterwards, thats just realistic to expect to happen.

Well done Champion! Was it a difficult contest, did things work out as expected? I suppose when it comes to the preplanning and so forth, there will always still exist a buffer zone of the "unknown" and this is not to be feared but to be acknowledged. How might you react? I guess it all depends on so many factors and the circumstances on the day it happens, if it does. 

I echo what Grumpy stated. Its very obsessive and can be reverse "Fatal Attraction" Going to an extreme...

Update, she ended up reaching out this week. We used to have a dog together and he passed away so now she got a new dog. The reason she reached out is because she didn’t update the direct deposit to the pet insurance and the reimbursement was sent to my bank account. I kind of suspected this was done purposely but who knows, I sent her the money through Venmo and congratulated her on the new dog. She then continued a conversation and eluded to “never say never” in regards to our relationship, I told her maybe we could be friends one day.. I’m a bit out of my element can someone share their thoughts on this please.

Could be innocent, or could be an attempt to contact you through something that gave her plausible deniability and hides her intentions.

If you felt like she was trying to persuade you back into a relationship, or toward closer contact, then you likely have your answer on whether or not this payment was an accident or not.

I'm quite cynical, so I'd say it's all by design - especially since you are the one who initiated the break up.

Is it a bad idea to have sex with the ex? I know I don’t want to get back together with her but I feel like it could help get it out of my system.

I would seriously recommend against it. You won't get your ex out of your system by sleeping with them. You'll make it worse and it's not good for your ex either. Just my opinion, but I know what it would do to me.

Without being overly moralistic, I would also recommend against it. Not just because the potential for emotionally harming yourself is considerable, but also because it's a rather low thing to do to the other person. How would you feel if you got dumped and the person who dumped you wanted to have sex with you four months later just to "get it out of her system"? It's selfish and sends all the wrong, hurtful, mixed signals. Just nope.

It is an option.

Is there an addictive quality to this sort of like 'ok ill make this my very last cigarette and vow to never smoke again'

Id suggest slightly different, I think you should try it if one last sex is truly all that you want? Your a grown up adult and it that's what you want why not I wouldn't try to stop you.

Good luck I guess

To be clear I wouldn’t be covert about my intentions with having sex with her. The only reason I say that I wouldn’t get back together is because I know she wouldn’t give up drinking or go to therapy on her own. However if she agreed to do those things I would consider it again. At this point as selfish as it may sound I need to take care of myself and whatever it is that may make me feel better even if that means having casual sex with my bpdex for my benefit (which I’m still undecided). I sacrificed my soul for 5 years of my life, bent over backwards to try and make this relationship work without any appreciation or acknowledgment, I’m the least selfish person you would know.

Sleeping with an ex (on a whim, no less) one has dumped is already reckless, cruel and hard to justify when there's only two neurotypical people involved. If you're not 100% certain that you're going to get back together no matter what, the dumpee is in for a world of hurt.

Now make that dumpee a pwBPD, and that hurt is multiplied a thousandfold. We know how little things can make them go off the rails; so just imagine what the emotional aftermath would be after something as grave as this, which would already be hurtful behaviour to a normal, healthy person.

I don't care if this makes me seem judgmental. There is a million things you can do to "take care of yourself" that don't involve hurting another human being.

It's exactly this type of behaviour we non's have experienced at the hands of pwBPD and complain about when we leave these failed relationships.

You're better than this.

Sappho's points are bang on. It's selfish and, while understandable, I think it would be better if you didn't.

It also opens you up to a world of drama, which would be completely your fault.

If you love her, I'd say you should not sleep with her.

I see no issue except the likelihood of expecting sex as some form of return on investment for 5 years. What can end up is being bitter and resentful whilst still waiting for the next 5 years.

When I finally left I had to just draw a line under everything, accept it has been overall damaging and start damage limitation. Sometimes we lose in situations, there are those who will cut their losses and try something else. And. Those who double down.

I think if you could have this casual sex. Relationship and it would not affect you emotionally, no problem. Do you think you could manage that? If not, better to accept the '5 years soul' has been taken rather than make it 6, 7 etc.

If you can handle it go for it, if not detach and let it go, start grieving and better learn let go of the losses etc.