BPDFamily.com

 :help:

One of the most challenging things about my relationship with GF with uBPD is that I constantly think we're getting somewhere with our conversations, that we're on the same page ... then out of seemingly nowhere she will tell me how much my words are hurting her and how unfeeling I am.

We've had endless conversations about her "triggers" and about how I can express myself in a more caring manner toward her. I have tried to follow her suggestions, but I can never say anything "right." I am constantly told I'm hurting her.

It feels like "conversational whiplash" when I feel like we're talking productively one minute, and the next, I can't make sense of things.

I'm pasting the most recent example here. I'd love to get some feedback on what I could do better (if anything) and how I can derail the misunderstandings and dysregulation.

Some quick background: GF and I were in a poly relationship with our BF. The three of us all lived together. He and I asked her two months ago to move out for the sake of our mental health. He's done with her; I have entertained the notion of continuing a friendship or perhaps more in the future, although I don't think I ever want to live with her again.

I believe I was her FP, and she split him black awhile ago. He could do no right in her eyes. He decided against attempting couples' therapy with her because she showed no willingness to acknowledge her responsibility or to change anything about herself.

Since moving out, she has moved in with another partner of hers in a city 75 minutes away, where she rents a room from him. Another roommate she just met has also moved in recently.

She has gotten romantically involved with at least one new person. As she jokes, "I fall into bed within days or weeks of meeting someone new." In poly, the extracurricular sex isn't necessarily a problem ... but it does seem desperate and unhealthy that she gets involved with new people so fast.

We exchanged these texts as she was arriving at our place to get the remainder of her things. This last Sunday, she asked me to agree to about a yearlong break in our relationship (probably some friendly contact via text but not seeing each other). I was more than willing to agree. She said it was necessary for her mental health, so I thought we'd reached an understanding.

Our conversation:

GF: I've been struggling a little with our breakup, a lot more than I did with BF, and I think I just need to turn off the part of my brain that loves you. Maybe it'll be time to turn it back on one day, but it needs to be off right now.

Me: I understand.

GF: Thank you for understanding.

Me: Of course. I've had to take a step back too.

GF: That's a good idea. Plus you and BF are perfect for each other. I would never want to get in the way of that.

Me: And you have some newer relationships developing.

GF: I feel like whenever you say that it sounds like you're completely out of touch with what's happening. This is a really difficult time for both (new roommate) and I. Both of us were asked to leave relationships that we loved people in. I have to stand by my decision to walk out on BF. I told him either we go to couples therapy or I walk away, and now I have to put my money where my mouth is. I didn't want to walk away from BF. But we needed a lot of help and he didn't seem to want to get there, so I had to make a decision to get out and walk. No one else is doing this, or even seems to care or notice, but it hasn't been easy.
Fine, I have other relationships. That doesn't replace you. Stop acting like it's a one-on-one. This is killing me and you don't seem to notice or even care.

Me: I know it's been hard on you. I am not sure what you want to hear from me right now.
I thought we we're having a back and forth about needing to step away for a time to tend to our own emotions. That's all. It wasn't intended as a way of ignoring your feelings.

GF: It really hurts for you to say that, like I'm going on to greener pastures. I've been put out in a barren field and told to make do, and that's what I'm doing. To pretend otherwise seems really sh1#@!.

Me: I didn't mean it that way at all. I was simply trying to acknowledge that we both have other things in our lives taking our time and attention.

 :help: :help:

You are dealing with some level of mental illness.  One aspect is that it doesn't make normal "common sense".  So if you're looking for logic from her then you can be left perplexed with the sometimes circular reasoning, slanted reasoning or outright blaming.

Also, you can see that her perspective is limited, or overly weighted, to herself.  People with PDs typically are more concerned with their own perceptions and have difficulty putting themselves into others' shoes, so to speak.

This is one of the reasons post-relationship contact doesn't usually happen, is best to be avoided or kept to a minimum.  Do you want to get drawn back into the past scenarios?  Keep in mind that BPD has been referred to as a Blamer's disorder.  It's not you, the more reasonably normal person.  Don't let her convince you into feeling you are more in the wrong.

I repeat, there is probably no benefit to continuing contact more than is required, in your case how her things left behind are handled or discarded.

How interesting. I had a similar text exchange with one of my daughters recently. She reached out stating she was setting boundaries with me. I replied that I understood and would respect her boundaries. Her immediate response was a long, hateful rant.

I was shocked but I think I understand it now. It was first a hook (pay attention, come closer) then a way to unload her anger (take this). You would have been defensive if she'd been hateful from the start, right?

And coming from an ex, "You and BF are perfect for each other" is likely a test, one that you affirmed with your response. She needs the space she's asking for.

Like FD said, don't engage. Think of boundaries as keeping you in your yard, focused on the things you can control. Give her space to come back to baseline and heal.