BPDFamily.com

Does anyone have a problem with low libido because you are a afraid of your pwBPD?
My wife is really sexy and we are a great fit sexually. But since I am kind of a guy that can not “work” if my mind is off, and also suffer from ED because of my T1 diabetes, I am feeling more and more asexual. My walking on eggshells all day makes me feel totally inferior which my intellect accepts but my body does not :((

Interesting you say that because I didn’t think of it that way. I certainly can relate to what you’re saying. I have minimal interest in sex these days and I was chalking it up to a bunch of things (getting older being one of them). But I think you’re right, the walking on eggshells is really exhausting and makes me resent my wife. It has certainly “gotten in my head” too. I’ve taken some pills to kick the rust off from time to time but it’s not a good long term solution.

How have you been managing so far?

Absolutely.  We as partners of pwBPD often suffer from PTSD from the abuse we endure.  PTSD kills the sexdrive. Your body goes into flight or fight mode and the last thing it is capable of is reproduction. It takes a long time to rebuild trust after dysregulation because your body first has to calm down and activate the parasympathetic nervous system. Hopefully your partner can be sensitive.What would probably really help you is therapy, working through the PTSD as it occurs.

Absolutely.

My expwBPD and I had incredible sexual chemistry. I discovered that she cheated multiple times, and my libido sank. I questioned my ability to perform. I started experimenting with BDSM at her urging - despite my protests given her likely childhood sexual abuse - and I felt even more conflicted and inadequate. At some point, I wasn’t sure what was real sexually between us.

We’ve been broken up for almost 6 months now, and only now do I feel my libido coming back. I have restored my confidence, but these relationships can make you question yourself.

Hang in there!

I can relate so much with this. When my SO swings back to idealizing me, she often initiates sex in ways that makes me uncomfortable. It happens too quickly, there is no eye contact, and she wants to talk dirty. I feel completely disconnected. There is no sense of pleasure for me and, I guess reading here what others have posted, I'm realizing that what I actually am experiencing is fear and probably depersonalizing/dissociating, because I can't really feel much in my body at all during those times. It's difficult because intimacy and a sexual relationship are important to me, so I also do not want to discourage her or wound her ego - I'm fearful she would just give up on sex altogether.

I can very much relate.  I've gone from being to confused but a willing participant for a long time to no longer being confused about what's going on.  Now that I understand what's going on with BPD, it's hard to even want to participate anymore. 

In times when I would initiate, I'm generally met with a 'let's just cut to the basics and be done.  don't touch me other than that.'  (that's her behavior, not her words).  That's appealing!

And when I stop initiating, eventually she will finally do it to try to loop me back in.  I've noticed that when she initiates, it's generally either (1) a set-up to devalue me, or (2) very unexpected and uncomfortable in situation.  For #1, she'll get us started and then can't wait to tell me I'm a terrible kisser.  Maybe I am.  But I know I haven't changed how I do it since everything was perfectly fine for a long time in that department before her BPD started showing.  Anyway, there's a look about her when she says it to me, too.  She just HAS to tell me that in that situation, and it seems like she knew that going in at her initiation.  For situation # 2, it'll be an inopportune time with kids lurking, relatives in the house, windows open, etc.  It can rarely just be a nice, mutual relaxing event.

Neither of those are very appealing to me.  And when it also often feels like her initiation is a form of control to bring me back closer when she feels I'm drawing healthy boundaries for myself, how on earth is this desirable?

So you're not alone.