BPDFamily.com

Hey I’m Jen.

I am currently 32 and feel like a scared little girl. I don’t have a good track record for successful  non toxic relationships. I always stray to the bad guy image! Like I’m in for the drama and I can’t even escape it. It drains me and I am never going to find love that is healthy and real.I was with him for just over 4 months and we started living together pretty much from the start. We both were damaged goods and the same age and had lots of similarities. He is a full on fentanyl user, smokes on tinfoil and any other drugs he can get ahold of. I am always a addict with stimulates mainly. I would use with him and my body rejected it and I would always throw up. I’ve lost so much weight in such a short time and I’ve always been a bigger girl. I have major body shaming issues that are not helping my anxiety and confidence. I made him my favourite person and would be there for him in a heartbeat. He can be a sweet passionate man and he is the best lover I’ve ever had. He is the only person that has been able to make me orgasm. The sex was great but it wasn’t for the fact that he was always so high and couldn’t even get it up. He wouldn’t cum either and I have no idea how much it would take. I thought I was in love and I wanted a life together. WhT is wrong with me? I know it’s a good thing that’s it’s over but I still feel Emotionally empty and unworthy and hurt. I need support and I know I have a big impact on our relationship being so chatoic. He abondoned me and I can’t take him back yet again! It’s been hard for me to get completely out of the relationship and not trying to be informed about so much things I’ve done for him. I am sorry if this is not a good thing to express but I feel like I need to vent and get clean and away from his negativity and addiction filled head. I’ve found so many things on his phone and he is a pig! He swears he hasn’t cheated but I don’t know if I can believe it. He is always blaming and accusing me of doing something like that and I’m so sick of not being able to trust each other. He lies and steels and talks down on me. He has financially put me into so much debt. I love him though which is what I am not understanding. How can I love someone who has hurt me so much. I blocked him on all social media and phone. I am so stressed out and I feel so exhausted and scared. I am just wanting some relief and to be able to be happy in my life and make sure that I am making smarter decisions and being the mom I should be. My poor son has to see me all sad and not feeling like doing anything. I feel awful that I’m not sure if I can get happy without a spouse. I love the idea of being in love. I also have no contact with my family and friends and that hurt me too. I pushed away everyone and hide our disfunctual relationship and wasn’t able to confined with my friends when I was in dispar. I don’t have any one to be able to talk about our relationship. I don’t know what I’m going to do or how long it will take me to get over this.

Hi J2l,

*welcome*

I’d like to welcome you to the family. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. A break-up with a pwBPD is an experience that few can relate with, that said members here get it and can offer you
guidance and support.


You had a r/s together and he means something to you. It sounds like your values were not aligned.

You’ve known your family and friends for a long time I’m sure that there will be people that will understand. Have you had thoughts about reaching out to anyone? What are your thoughts on that?