BPDFamily.com

Hi, I hope you’re all doing okay recently:)

I’m quite new to all of this as I’ve not long known about bpd as a mental health illness or what exactly it entails, so since I met my partner I’ve had conversations with him asking him some things and have researched and watched things etc but I’m just learning and trying my best at the minute so there are still a lot of things I’m unsure on.

Of course I understand that everyone is going to be different but I was hoping someone could help me. Obviously I care a lot about him so when he’s sad and expressing it to me(which I absolutely want him to do when he feels he can) it makes me feel sad and like I need to do or say something, but I don’t know if certain things are going to trigger him more or not and I don’t want to seem to be undermining what he is going through and just brushing it off. I feel a bit useless to be completely honest because I’ve got nothing I can offer to him to make him feel happier and that’s all I want.

Also, is it normal that someone with bpd will push you away a lot at the beginning of a relationship? If so, is there generally a time it could take? I know there are stupid questions sorry.
I really don’t know, but thank you for taking your time to read my first post:)

People with BPD both crave intimacy and are frightened by it. That’s why you will hear the term push/pull here frequently.

Take a look at the Tools section at the top of this page for some tips on how to more easily relate to your partner.

Sophie, I wish I knew and researched more about BPD when I first my ex told me about her diagnosis. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and misunderstanding. Consider yourself starting at a great place.

I’ll say two really difficult things:
1. You are not responsible for how he feels. If he is sad, he is sad. You cannot make him happy if he is going through something that is out of your control. All you can do is support him, which brings me to…
2. Validate his emotions. You can tell him that it’s okay to be sad; it’s okay to feel a certain way when you’re going through tough times. Many pwBPD suffer with feeling that their feelings don’t matter. Just the act of validating that they are real and matter is HUGE. But do not try to make him happy. Only he can make himself happy. If he is inspired by you being happy, then fantastic. Support him: be a cheerleader when he works out his own problems; encourage him when he is seeking therapy or bettering his relationships.

A lot of us have codependent habits, and it’s easy to assume his feelings, want to “fix” or “solve” for his feelings, or just let his feelings drive our relationship dynamic. Resist that urge!  Read as many as of the tools on this site as possible, and it will help you. I promise. =)