BPDFamily.com

So the man who I thought I would marry and have children with discarded me in early May after a stereotypically tumultuous relationship. In hindsight I can't believe that I tolerated so much hurtful behaviour and abuse for so long.

I was completely trauma-bonded and hooked on him. Somewhere I read that breaking free from such an intermittently-reinforced relationship is physiologically as difficult as breaking an opiate addiction. No kidding, that's what it felt like not just during the relationship, but also a few weeks afterwards. The first breakup in January was so bad that I'd rather have been dead than alive most days, the pain was unreal (thankfully I had a good friend by my side). I've had a rough upbringing and seen more than my fair share of sorrow, but nothing had ever devastated me as much as this.

We recycled after two weeks and struggled (well, I did) to make it to early May, when he discarded me again for no good reason (as it's bound to happen). This time, it felt more final. In hindsight I know why: in January, despite all the pain, I had put on a good facade to my ex, pretending not to care, posting upbeat things on social media etc. He came back almost immediately to test the waters whether he still "had" me. The last time around, however, I acknowledged my hurt and did nothing to hide it. Pretty sure that turned this love vampire off for good.

Now, a bit over three months out, things are looking a lot better. I never thought this would be possible.

Right after we split up, I took an inventory of my life, assigning numerical scores to its different aspects: emotional, intellectual, physical, vocational, avocational etc. It was all a shambles right after the breakup, but I rated them again today and there's since been a sharp uptick in every single aspect.

I'm back at the gym 3-4 times a week (something my ex had made me quit), eating well, sleeping well; my house, my finances, my affairs are in order, and I have very little to worry about most days.

I've picked up an old hobby again (sewing clothes – and this time finally learnt how to use a sewing machine) and started a new one, playing the violin. It's intensely gratifying, and I might have a bit of a crush on my violin teacher lol which I take as a good sign – it shows that I'm not dead inside romantically, despite the recent ordeal.

Counselling has also been of help, to the point where I feel I don't need it anymore. I might phase it out in the next couple of weeks and replace it with professional coaching.

I'm still a bit lost on the work front, because all the grand plans I once worked on sort of crumbled under the relationship stress and I don't know exactly where I'm going to go next. Luckily I don't have to worry about money right now as I have some on the side.

Most importantly, I don't feel lonely anymore... I'm happy to be on my own and I often prefer it that way. Coincidentally, one long-lost good friend reappeared and now I have two close friends, which is more than enough for my taste.

My ex is turning 30 next week and I suspect he'll be having an existential meltdown and contact me... which at this point, I'll consider a minor nuisance if it happens. I've mentally shelved him back to where he was for the two years before we got together, which is the "good-looking men who creep me out for some reason" section of my brain.

Apparently the old adage holds true: It does get better.

And while I'm not one for hyperbole, this forum has been a soul- and life saver. It was a huge help in working through the aftermath of this ill-fated relationship, and in learning how to cope. Thank you to all of you beautiful people.

That was amazing to read! I’m so glad you’ve managed to get to such a good place, I’m sure your story will be a massive influence to so many of us on here. I really hope I can get to where you’re at eventually. Thanks for sharing!

Sappho, following your story has been an inspiration for me and I can't wait to be where you're at. Congrats on your healing!

This post makes me so happy.  Congrats Sappho!   You’ve come a long way, and not only have you seen upticks in all these areas - in the process you’ve helped others in similar circumstances through your posts and experiences.  That is excellent!  Thank you!

B1987, marv, Calli, thank you for your kind words! If I can do it, you can do it, too.  :hug:

Sappho loved reading this. Thanks for reminding us that brighter days are ahead. Congrats - healing takes time and work, and you've earned it - and thank you for pouring into others here.  :heart:

I was going to post exactly the same thing! 
Sappho11 you have been awesome on this board and I'm so glad to see how much better you are doing!

Over the last day or two I realized this as well. I don't have that loneliness hole in my chest. I have been socializing more and its gotten WAY easier. I met up with an old friend last night who is in town this week and I wasn't even nervous (which is saying a lot!  I'd been struggling with social anxiety for ages)

Granted, for me its only been a bit over 2 1/2 weeks so I fully expect to still have some emotional ups and downs. I also still fully expect him to try and contact me at some point but I feel like I am better prepared for that possibility thanks to these boards and stories like yours.

Thanks for sharing your journey and congratulations on finding your way to a better place.  It's proof that introspection and diligence pay off.  Facing future obstacles should be easier with this newfound wisdom.   

Hi Sappho,

I just wanted to say it's great to read this. I also suffered massive withdrawal from the abusive intermittent reinforcement and it affected all areas of my life. While I can't say that I have come as far as you in the last three months, it's great to read how far you've come and also that you're back in the gym (I would also like to try this, I think it will help immensely.)

Good luck for your further travels, 

The first part of your story is all too familiar to me.  The latter part is uplifting and speaks to the hope and healing that can begin...almost instantly. Thanks for that.


My last recycle went a lot like yours, it was almost exactly a year earlier.    I decided I would just forget the issues, put on a good face, and go with the flow.  Didn't make any firm plans, then she couldn't cancel.  There was the testing of the waters and pushing of the boundaries.  My BPDex always seemed to know exactly how long to push it before I was ready to give up on her--almost in a psychic fashion which was unsettling.

I'm guessing he never had the "existential melt-down" on his birthday?  I worried about the same thing earlier this year as it was her 50th (a b-day she was thinking about almost a year in advance).  It was out-of-sight, out-of-mind with her as I'm sure I remain there, all for the better.