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My sister has recruited nearly everyone in the family and the family friends whom she has much more contact with than I do to be her flying monkeys. For years I was unaware of the smear campaign she was running against me. I just knew that when I ran into many family members and family friends, that I would be treated with contempt for no reason. I know now that after my legal problems with my siblings are settled, I want to go no contact with most of the family and most of the flying monkeys. I am so proud that I am feeling comfortable with this decision. In the last few months, I have walked away from two narcissistic friends with no regrets, in addition to some other narcissists I had just met who wanted my undivided attention full time. I am attracting more and more fine people into my life who are kind, able to respectfully handle disagreements, genuinely interested in other people, comfortable sharing their feelings, empathetic, and who have rewarding relationships with family and lifelong friends. I finally feel that I have the self esteem and skills to have intimate relationships. I am no longer terrified about being abandonned by certain family members and their flying monkeys. I have been a family scapegoat for my whole life. I will perhaps be the first of six generations of scapegoats on my father's side of the family and I don't know how many generations of scapegoats on my mother's side, to walk away.
I appreciate all the support I get on this site. Please share your stories of dealing with the flying monkeys.

Hi zachira,
Know all about flying monkeys.  The flying monkeys know that as the scapegoat (and healthiest cause we see the dysfunction and walk away), we will never be a flying monkey.  We have integrity and are not ever going to stoop to their level.

I think this is why they hate me the most (in my FOO).

b

Beatricex,
I don't think the flying monkeys really hate us. I think they hate themselves. Still it can make us feel crazy and so heartbroken when the hatred is projected onto us when we are the scapegoats. I am so sad you are also a scapegoat, and glad that you see yourself as the opposite of the flying monkeys because you have integrity and the courage to walk away.

In my situation, they don't hate me or themselves. Much of what they know is my BPD mother's narrative about me.

I am cordial to them, but wary of being anything closer than that. If they can so easily believe what she makes up about me, I don't feel I can trust them. In addition, I don't know if I could even undo what they think.

I was talking to BPD mom on the phone and she used a mean term that I think is horrible to describe someone. Then she said to me "you were the one who I first heard this from". No way would I have ever called anyone that. So now I wonder if she's reported that to anyone as well.

I can't control what she says or does. I just keep an emotional distance from anyone in her circle.

Notwendy,
You are so wise to keep an emotional distance from anyone in your mother's circle. Certainly anything you share with them could be used against you. It is so hurtful to have to keep certain family members at arm's length. I am glad you have children, a husband, and are close with your father's side of the family.

Zachira, I am grateful for my immediate family and my father's family. I did grieve ( and still do sometimes) the loss of connection with family members and also wonder if it's just the illusion of loss- after all, what kind of relationship is it anyway? I just see my mother's circle as being  her circle.

You will make your own family with people who care about you. One doesn't need to be related to be family.

Thank u zachira, really appreciate your perspective on this.

It's funny that you felt comfortable challenging my thought process.  I feel that is what a really good friend can do, challenge your thought process and you thank them for caring about you!   :hug:

wish I had more friends like this in 3D

b

Beatricex,
My experience with people is those who make the best friends are the ones who don't kiss up to you. They are genuinely who they are from the beginning and show how they are different from you. I always say a person is not a friend until we see how we handle our differences and disagreements. I am so tired of the narcissistic people who are charming until I disagree with them and then the fangs come out. Great people bring out the best in others, cherish our strengths while giving constructive feedback. I have come as far as I have because of all  the people who have showed me the way, and I refuse to be like my narcissistic flying monkey family members and their friends, who are so superficial and charming until I disagree with them.

 :wee: This is so inspiring Zachira.  Thanks for sharing your success with us!  We're proud of you too. |iiii

This journey has been long and painful for you.  Through it all, you've been doggedly determined to come out the other side, and not succumb to the toxic family dynamic.  To accomplish this after a lifetime of abuse, requires strength and resilience.  

On a different scale than you, my H has struggled and is at a crossroads with his only sibling.  His sibling is so disordered it is hard to write about.  In the beginning, H was in denial.  It put a strain on our relationship for over a year, because he didn't want to see what the siblings was doing to him.  It was so obvious. But as his sibling (who he shared POA with on behalf of their father) began to use their father as their source of income (under the guise of caring for him at  home), H's eyes slowly opened up.  It's the classic case of getting father to completely renovate their home, pay $2200/month for care (over the 8 remaining years of his life), and in the last year of his life 75% of his savings account was drained.  The sibling has slandered H's character along the way publicly, and created lies to meet their needs. A conversation is going to happen, and if that goes as we expect based on the family history, H is prepared to walk away from his sibling and remain NC.  It's his only remaining family.  Both his parents are dead, and there are no other relatives.  I am an only child, with almost no extended family other than uBPD mom (I have one cousin we have a healthy close connection with but they live 800 miles away).  Any loss of family, no matter what end of the spectrum they fall under (positive or negative) is difficult, and takes a long hard journey to process.  There is a certain aloneness that comes with it, but that is something we can slowly get comfortable with.  As an only child, I have always felt aloneness at different milestones in my life, but one adjusts and adapts, and finds joy and happiness elsewhere.

I feel for your loss, but I celebrate with you for being the first in 6 generations to walk away.  That shows your inner strength and power.  You are different from them, and whatever your losses, you get to walk away with your values and virtues and begin anew.  May this new journey bring you much joy in your life moving forward. I know there are still legal battles ahead, but you know what your end goal is, and you will get there.   :hug:

 |iiii Yes yes - true friends make each other stronger and better. True friends can have a discussion coming from different ends of the spectrum, and say to each other later
 "that was a great discussion!" Friends don't judge each other.  They quietly know each other's weaknesses, and accept them unconditionally, because they are true friends. I celebrate with you that you are finding ways to replace the dysfunctional family members, with healthy contacts and friendships.  You are paving the way for others to do the same.

Methuen,
Thank you for your understanding and support, as always. You are there for so many people, and we appreciate you.
I am so sad for your husband. The betrayal of a sibling is probably one of the biggest hurts we experience in life.

Hi Zachira,
It takes such strength to walk away and no longer be the family scapegoat. I am in the process of taking those steps as well. My uBPDm is still very much alive but do feel the family dynamics have shifted, maybe in part due to covid. But my mind set has dramatically shifted, and reading your story gives me added strength to continue on this path to being true to myself and not to a toxic family system.

Madeline7,
Glad you are feeling stronger about moving away from the toxic family system and being more true to yourself. You are lucky that you have your own children and have made a life for yourself independent of the family. I truly have noone in my generation in the immediate and extended families who does not see me as the scapegoat; these same relatives continue to put some of the most narcissitic family members on a pedestal no matter how cruel they are to others. Some of the members of the younger generation are aware that I do not feel like a part of the family though I am not sure they get the golden child scapegoat dynamics as that would make them look at their parents through quite critical disillusioning lenses.  I wish I had woken up earlier to the position I was in and gotten out sooner to make a life for myself, and avoided owning property with my siblings. I am looking forward to my freedom when I get it which will be once all the legal issues our settled. I have distanced myself from the family the past few years, and the less I interact with them the better I feel. I have read so many stories on the internet from people with toxic family members who just felt so relieved to go no contact and not have to deal with them anymore even if it meant considerable financial loss and facing the hearbreak over not being loved by your own family. I am keeping my fingers crossed that you will indeed get your portion of your mother's estate which you would like to give to your children. I am also hoping that family members will treat you better than expected once your mother passes away. I appreciate your support and kindness. We belong to a particular club that nobody would ever want to be a member of, and the integrity and courage we show to break the cycles of family abuse are what can make big differences in the quality of family life for generations to come and give us eventually a better life when we are finally out of the line of fire of the toxic family members.

Zachira,
You go girl!  :wee: I just want to celebrate you, your growth, courage, and deepening understanding. All in all, you are gaining such freedom!

 :hug:
Wools

I have been away for a while. My 2 week vacation was truly amazing but then a very hectic return to work due to delta surge at my hospital has kept me away. This is a great thread, I love the courage and mutual support that is demonstrated here.

Zachira, you continue to inspire and light the path forward for me.  Thank you for sharing your story here and giving so many of us the courage to lean into our values and walk away from dysfunction. 

After my sister’s recent visit, I felt a profound sense of loss.  Even though the visit was a success objectively, how she showed up and  how she treated me completely validated, what my husband feels has been true for a while. I don’t really have a sister.  When my mother passes and the estate is settled, our relationship as co-Trustees will be gone; my mother  is the only thing keeping us connected, and that will change.

I understand your regret in sharing assets with your sister, and the stress that shared financial situation creates for you.  But your commitment to yourself and to forging healthy relationships will see you through this.  Things may get worse before they get better for both of us, but at least in your case, I am confident that your boundaries will allow you to emerge in a very positive place. 

My parents were both only children, so there are no aunts, uncles or cousins.  Only second and third cousins, with whom we had no relationship with growing up, other than very occasional family reunions or visits.  My uBPD sibling has forged some relationships with them... I am sure she is incredibly charming and has created the illusion that “ she cares so much about family” painting me as aloof and uninterested. The only relationship I truly care about is my nephew, her son, and I will have to figure out how to forge that separately. I hope it will be easier as he is transitioning to become a young adult.  He may be emeshed and may not see the unhealthy dynamics, which I accept.  Like NotWendy said, he may only know me through my sisters narrative.  I am fortunate to have a supportive immediate family and many healthy friendships.  My chosen family!

Methuen’ s words capture it so beautifully:
Good luck Zachira and thank you for being a beacon for all of us on similar journeys.  You are a treasure, thank you. 

Wools,
It is so good to hear from you and know you are doing well. You and Turkish supported me from the very beginning and stood by me at what has turned out to be a long chain of endless cruel treatment of me by my siblings and their flying monkeys over the last four years. I now see what kind of people my family members and their flying monkeys are, and no longer want anything to do with them once all the legal and financial challenges are settled. I have come to really value so many wonderful people who have treated me with kindness and respect throughout my life and who have shown me that I am a worthy decent person in my own right. I am so excited that you have bought a house. We have missed you around here. Thank you for helping so many of us along this difficult journey we are on.

Mommydoc,
Thank you for reminding me of all the wonderful support I have here. I find Methuen's quote very comforting and something I want to read in the moments I am feeling low.
I too am regretting the loss of my sister's children. My niece at times is incredibly kind to me, and she seems to know I have been treated unfairly. Right now both her parents are waging an incredible toxic war against me, with my niece's father deleting all my photos from the family albums, so I think it best to wait for my niece to contact me when she feels safe to do so.  
I realize that certain family members and friends only know me though the narrative that they have been sold by the large toxic network of people that enable the golden children and hate on the scapegoats. I have come to realize that decent people use their own experiences with a person to form their own impressions of how they feel about somebody else. You may some day be pleasantly surprised which of your distant family members are people that you enjoy being around. A few years ago, my sister and I went to see some cousins we had not seen since childhood. My sister had three terrible meltdowns in their presence, to the point, my cousin had to take my sister out of the room so I could talk to his wife. At one point, I caught my sister telling my cousin's wife terrible lies about me. My sister could not handle not being treated with adoration like she is by the other side of the family, and me being treated as an equal. I am still in contact with these cousins and my sister is not as she only wants to be in the presence of those who lick her boots; this attitude of my sister has allowed me to form rewarding relationships with wonderful people who my sister barely gives the time of day to.
Though nothing can prepare you for how things will go with your sister after your mother passes away, I do think you are being realistic in not expecting to have much of a relationship with her. I wish I had had more realistic expectations about how my siblings and their flying monkeys would treat me after my mother died. It would have saved me a lot of heartache.
I am glad you enjoyed your well deserved vacation. Thank you for your kindness, taking the time to reach out, and understanding so many things that are similar in our challenges with our disordered family members.

This. All the way.  :wee:


This is all so painful, and unfair, and yet you're approaching it with resoluteness and grace. It's impressive, z.

After a conflict in 2019, the flying monkeys have come out in force. My MIL's best friend called my husband and berated me for not 'being nicer.' I was able to let it go, because I understood what was happening, but it was sad. I like this person.

My MIL's sister, who had previously been kind and warm to me, ignored me when I saw her at a family funeral. I made sure to go up to her and gave her an extra big hug and warm conversation. She squirmed but was polite. My little version of vengeance. lol Again, sad because I like her.

My stepdaughter, who I've only had positive interactions with, got engaged last weekend. MIL has been dysregulating and overshares and is close to my stepdaughter, so I knew this day was coming. When SD and fiance arrived at their surprise engagement party, they both hugged H, then MIL. I was next in line and they completely ignored me. Again, I found them and hugged them both and showed support and warmth. It hurt my feelings. I understand it's poor boundaries and enmeshment but it's sad, you know?

I'm thankful that I have a sense of self, that I don't need others to define my state of mind or wellbeing. The discussion about true friendships is almost the flip side of the flying monkey dynamic. We can disagree and discuss and have differences of opinion, and still respect others. Flying monkeys can't do that.     

Pursuing Joy,
I am sad to hear about the flying monkeys you have been dealing with and proud of you for not taking it personally and handling yourself with class. I keep wondering if the flying monkeys believe in blind loyalty especially when it comes to family and long time friends. It seems whoever they knew first, gets the benefit of the doubt and the terrible things they hear about others are believed without any doubts.I choose friends who give me constructive feedback and can take constructive feedback themselves. I so dislike the phoniness and lack of chance to grow in relationships in which the participants only say what the other person wants to hear.
I am about to embark on a long visit to family territory. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will maintain my dignity and not lower myself to acting badly no matter how hurt or frustrated I feel.
Thank you for your encouragement, taking time to post, and caring.

You will. You have all of us and your new chosen family at your back, cheering for you and trusting in your wisdom, savvy and your grace. Keep your head up. This season is temporary. Do what you need to do to get through it.

Keep us posted, z, we'll be thinking about you.

when the scapegoats no longer exists they will tear each other  apart.

I am at the family summer place. I have run into only one family member and the first words out of his mouth were that he would lock me out of his place if I showed up there.
I am feeling sad as I sit in what was once my grandparent's summer cottage knowing that I have to sell it. At the same time, I realize I enjoyed the place because of the large community of family, friends, and neighbors, and the many meaningful events and activities we shared together. Some people have ancestors that knew my great grandparents and possibly my great great grandparents. The community has largely been destroyed by the toxic narcissism of its members. The members of the HOA are now fighting among themselves, with most of the officers jointly resigning this week, without really saying why. I realize now it is the people that count and not the place. This is now a place I once enjoyed. I feel sad yet I am glad I came. I will have the chance to get the property evaluated and not just be low balled by my narcissistic sister who is the coowner of the cottage. I also want it be my choice to sell and leave the family and this community, not feel like I was thrown out like I was by my siblings when they banned me from my mother's house effectively limiting my chance to visit with her, and took all my mother's things after she died.
I have visited with some of the family friends and neighbors. I am wearing people out by talking too much and not leaving before they are tired of me, even though I do make sure to listen and ask about them. I plan to apologize to the neighbors with whom I overextended my welcome at their house. I am hoping I will be less needy, and more quietly present once I have exited this toxic environment and will do better in forming more healthy reciprocal relationships, some of which I already do have. I welcome advice on how to keep it together, as I deal with the painful loss of exiting a family and community I have known since childhood while I am living in their territory for the next few weeks. I keep going between feeling overwhelmed with sadness and tears to enjoying the natural beauty of this place and some really kind people I have met since I came here with whom I was able to show my better self, genuinely interested in others while sharing more appropriately about myself.

Hi Zachira,
It sounds like you are taking control of this challenging situation, and although you are vacillating between feeling overwhelmed and enjoying the surrounding beauty and some kind people, you are finding that balance and able to see the positive things. In my situation, I found that there was never any kind of balance or "homeostases". What you are describing is a very healthy attitude. You are acknowledging the toxic elements, yet able to see some positives. I am inspired by your strength to face this head on. You have worked hard, and now is your time to apply those skills and keep doing what you're doing!

Madeline7,
Thank you for your kindness and support, as always.

I was with the family for the first time in two years last night. I had a good time except for a cousin who abuses me, the same person who told me he would lock me out of his house if I showed up there. Last night he proceeded to insult me in front of a whole group of family members, including telling me he hoped I get attacked  by a shark and die. Nobody came to my defense. His mother was one of the worst flying monkeys in the family, brutally abusing a great nephew as soon as he was born, convincing many family members including her son that this great nephew was unlovable until it was common to hear that the great nephew was not lovable like the other great nieces and great nephews. His own grandfather claimed to love the great nieces and great nephews more than his own grandson. They phrase it this way: I don't love ____ like the others. I am thinking that the family members just can not defend an abused person when others are present. Although many family members are nice people, it seems that they are recruited to be silent flying monkeys since birth. It is just not acceptable to stand up to any form of abuse, and this is probably one of the main reasons I am disliked by certain family members as I have stood up for myself many times and for other family members who are also scapegoats. Other flying monkeys in the family are truly abusive people in their own right and welcome abusing others. Do you have any advice on how to handle the next abusive round with this cousin as I am bound to run into him and be with him with other family members present? He seems to like to insult me in front of a group of relatives, and we were sitting eating dinner, which made it difficult for me to just get up and walk away. Privately I once told him what I thought of how he was treating me, and he shut up immediately and looked terribly ashamed. This cousin was suicidal at one point, and I am sure that his abuse of me and others is all about his own self hatred. I do believe he is in the closet about being gay and that the next door neighbor has been his lover for many years. Both parents were terribly abusive and he lived at home taking care of his parents until both parents had passed away. Do you have these two types of flying monkeys in your family, ones who are truly mean people and others who just don't feel comfortable standing up to an abuser?

It sounds to me like abuse is almost a "norm" in this family. It's not normal but when one has grown up in it, they may seem to feel they have no choice but to accept it or be passive about it. Were one person to speak out about it and defend the abused, it might be that they are the next target of a gang up for "breaking the rule".

It seems clear that the abusive cousin also has his own hurts, and can't handle being confronted with his own behavior. Likely, he's being abusive to you in order to feel better about himself and appear to be the tough guy. While you should not accept abuse, it may help to understand that he seems to have serious issues and place what he says in context of that. The fact that he feels he needs to be closeted shows how much fear there is in this family. He can't be his authentic self. Maybe nobody in that family can.

I don't think you can change these family patterns. The only advice I can think of is to avoid being around them as much as possible. What he said to you is totally unacceptable. Once you have finished with the details of sorting out the family finances that you overlap with them, it's best to not put yourself in this position. While you should not tolerate abuse, if they start, even walking out may give them reinforcement that they got to you. If you can't leave, maybe try humor. It's strange for an adult to tell someone they hope they get eaten by a shark. It's childish. I wonder what would happen if you just made it into a joke. "Oh I don't think I'd taste that good" and then went on as if nothing had happened.

zachira agree with what NotWendy said. I'm really struck that this behavior is so normalized in your family. You really are the only person who has ever identified it as toxic and stood up to it. While you can't change it, I can't help but hope that some of the people on the fence, nieces and nephews and those with open, kinder souls are watching you, wishing they could do the same. They might even try someday. You may be giving silent observers the courage to stand.

I stood against family dysfunction many years ago and paid for it. After LC and 20 years, a family member (one of the most toxic) recently expressed admiration and respect for what I'd done. You just never know who you're impacting.

I think the way you approached your cousin alone was very compassionate and effective and worth repeating. That he felt shame was telling - shame based parenting does so much harm. That is incredibly sad.

Love the idea of using humor to deflect, then take control, look at someone else and change the subject: "Did you all see the latest episode of Shark Week? It was crazy!"

You could reflect back with a completely awkward question that puts it back on them, "Why would you say something like that? What a strange thing to say."

Picture yourself wearing armor and their words running off like water.

Sometimes it helps me feel less alone in the moment when I remember I can report the incident back here.

I'm also aware of my body language - I keep my chin up and my shoulders back, and I smile. In a safety training, an officer shared that offenders choose easy victims. If I'm giving off confident vibes, maybe they're less likely to come for me? I don't know if this actually works but I use this technique whenever I feel vulnerable and it makes me feel better.

Find yourself a distraction and serve, it helps me feel better - talk to the person who's been quiet or left out, pick up the plates and carry dishes to the sink, ask someone if they need a refill on their drink. Get your own focus off of the toxic environment.

Like it says in SWOE, be a mirror (reflect) not a sponge (absorb).

When it gets to be too much, walk away. And avoid time when and where possible. 

You are doing such a great job z. Know that we're with you in this. I'm so impressed at your ability to go back into the lion's den.

I would take a two-phase approach...

1) Have another private conversation with the cousin. It worked before -- maybe he needs a reminder that he doesn't get a pass.

2) If, after the reminder, he persists with inappropriate remarks, call him out using the perplexed question, " Why would you say that? How strange! "  And let it sit in the silence.

I'm so sorry your family interacts like this.

Agreeing with others before me - the abuse sounds normalized, and speaks to the darkness that must be within the family intergenerationally, to be able to utter things like this.  But I am curious about something Zachira.  Do they talk like this and treat all people like this, or just the close family scapegoats?  Inotherwords, do you know if this behavior is in their own home, workplace, community, or do they lead a kind of "double life" and save this abuse for just you and other family scapegoats?
Oh my. I love love love this! :love-it:

It's given me an idea for myself. I didn't grow up in a family where humour was a part of daily life.  While I have a good sense of humour and love to laugh at other's people's jokes and quips, I do not have the skill of thinking of these quips and one-liners myself "in the moment". Some people are naturals. Professional comedians can work an audience and respond with one-liner quips in an instant, and I have worked with lots of colleagues who have this skill. I've always admired it. But maybe we could nurture it ourselves a little bit more?  My thought is to write down some of the things I remember my mom saying that hurt me, and "think" of humourous quips to reply with...so in a sense "train my brain" to think of the humourous response.  The "I don't think I'd taste that good" (and then carry on as if nothing happened) is brilliant.  Puts them in their place (publicly since they said it publicly), invalidates what they said, ends it suddenly, and doesn't escalate.  Just awesome.

PJ- so many good suggestions. Helps me too. :love-it:

Agree with pursingjoy, and...This reminds me of all those books I read on narcissism years ago.  You have to go "grey rock" and look and act curious in response.

Don't respond in anger, act curious.  Be interested in hearing them out.  Ask leading questions, like "what do you mean by that?" (they don't know either but it's fun to make them squirm as if you don't know that they're just projecting B.S. onto you)

"you think that?  really?  hmmm, interesting..."  (let the interesting trail off like it is light and an amusement to you)

This is really all about tone and the meaning they will get from your tone, which is you don't give a flying fig what they're trying to project onto you.

I also like the other suggestions made, to find humor in the situation.  I like to daydream (maybe it's a form of dissociation) when I feel attacked.  He hopes you get bit by a shark:  think, grey rock, think of the shark biting you, you're a grey rock.  All his teeth fall out.  Stupid shark.  You may just laugh and he'll think you're crazy but so what, you're laughing at your own inside joke at his expense.  Then you walk off and thank him for the accidental humor. :)

b

Beatricex - thanks for suggesting the paradigm shift.  Switching from anger and hurt to curiousity, and flipping the discomfort back to them is golden.  Just golden.  What a great thread, and use of humour to deal with such dark and hurtful people as what Zachira has described. 

Thank you for all your replies and helpful suggestions, and above all your kindness and generosity. I am realizing I have a lot of work to do on myself as I am here in the midst of the dysfunctional jungle dealing with some life long painful issues, many of which involve legal problems that are particularly overwhelming. I realize I cannot make a joke about my cousin's mean comments and how the family did not stand up for me because it is just too painful. I am likely a target of his cruelty because of the distressed look on my face and being one of the extended family's lifelong scapegoats. For some of the older generations, the abuse is normalized. For the younger generation, I am seeing quite a different dynamic. For two nights in a row, cousins of the younger generation have invited me to dinner. They barely know me. Two years ago, some of the younger generation went out of their way to be kind to me when the family got together for my mother's funeral when I was pretty much ostracized by the older generation, many of whom have been manipulated by the family smear campaign of me and in particular the lifelong smear campaign lead by my NPD sister. I am having a very polarized experience with the community here, many people who are lifelong family friends. There are the narcissists who are allied with my sister who treat me like garbage. Then there are some incredible kind people who always treat me as a worthy valued person. I was asked to be the fill-in hostess for a community event when the original hostess could not do it due to a medical emergency. The thanks and appreciation I received from the three women who had spent enormous amounts of time planning for this event
and others was over the top. I have been invited to a big special community gathering on the weekend. I seem to attract two kinds of people into my life: narcissists and other dysfunctional people, and those who are accomplished and extremely fine people in their own right. I have been working on becoming less of a magnet for narcissistic dysfunctional people. I have a lot of work to do on feeling worthy of the fine treatment I receive from the people who are so ahead of me in being wonderful parents, partners, community leaders, and are authentic in their kindness and generosity.

hi zachira,
I think when it hits us on the head, that there is a lot of work left to do, that is when we're making real progress.  I say "we" cause I'm there too.  This is hard, and it it painful, and growth and learning are the hardest things I have had to do to overcome my emotional abuse.

You are doing great.  Thanks for coming here and trusting us and thank you for being you, a beautiful open vulnerable person looking for answers and trusting.  Applaud yourself today for what you are doing to take care of yourself, it is huge and because it is so painful, you know you're making progress, that is how you know.
your friend,
 :hug:
b

It takes courage and humility to appreciate that your younger cousins and these fine, wonderful people are seeking you out. They see your strength, grace, purpose and kindness.

I echo all of what beatricex said.  :hug: :heart: