BPDFamily.com

So it has been a few weeks since posting here. Last I was here my ex-pwBPD had finally ended things with me, after years of me not having the willpower to end things with her.  A lot of fear of what she would do went into me staying, so I think it had to eventually come from her for me to break away. Well, big shocker but the breakup is as dysfunctional as the relationship.  I think I am broken.

My ex wanted to remain friends, and of course being non-confrontational I said fine.  Within a couple days of breaking up she had found a new guy. I was fine with this actually because I was terrified I would be too weak and go back to her. Within a couple weeks she was meeting the new guys family, making plans to move in together, talking about how perfect he is and how she finally found the one.

The problem is that she cannot stand being by herself. She knows she will push him away if she demands he is with her 24/7. So, I am filling that void and still going over to her house and having sex with her whenever he is not there. I mean, they went on a four day romantic get away. Supposedly discovered how much they loved each other and how perfect they were for each other. However, a half hour after being dropped off from the trip, she calls me over for sex.

I know I am being an idiot and this isn't healthy and maybe even a little dangerous. She says if I ever find someone new that I have to still sleep with her for it to be fair. She is still super mean to me a lot of the time, saying horrible things about my kids who she scapegoats for the relationship problems. She's constantly saying how perfect new dude is, but still calling me over for sex.

There is something in me that is somehow incapable of being the one to just say enough is enough. I've broken things off with relationships before. I've ended them and remained friends. I've ended them and just had a nice clean break. This is so weird. I don't know what is wrong with me. It is like I have lost all self respect.

It’s been a few weeks since the break up and you stepped away from the boards for a while and you’re back. You’ve had some time to think about this and you want to discuss it.

There’s probably a part of you that’s not synchronized with the r/s with her right now.

I notice that you said that she can’t be alone - you’re thinking about what she needs. .

A couple of observations.

What do you want?

It sounds like she’s not sure about this guy yet but have you thought about if she starts to feel like the ground is solidified under her feet in this new r/s and she begins to shift away from you and shifts towards him - how are you going to feel about that when that happens?

It’s still new for her - she’s not sure about him yet but there’s a chance that it won’t work out and that r/s is going to end it there’s a possibility that it will work out and she’ll feel like the bottom won’t fall out of the r/s and that will be the main r/s.

I know this place to which you speak.  As bad as things were and in spite of my Counselor clearly telling me that "your marriage is not healthy; cannot be repaired and that moving on is strongly recommended", I couldn't let-go.  My xBPDw filed for divorce and left. In the process I was still "begging her to stay".  I had become emotionally dysfunctional and everyone saw it but me. Sadly the divorce didn't really end anything, it simply took the relationship to new dysfunctional level.

In the deepest places in my soul, I came to terms with my own sense of being "unworthy".  Her periodic treatment of me reinforced that internal belief.  Her treatment of me was my own unhealthy validation of that "unworthy soul", that was me.  That makes it hard to break-free.  My own weakness and sense-of-self, left me unable to move-on.  Meanwhile my now divorced wife still made contact; still wanted closeness, followed by periods of verbal abuse.  In a moment of self-clarity, I realized that her "moving far away" was my only way to break free.  It actually happened (she moved away); the band-aide was ripped off and I went through a period of deep-depression.  Had I not been in counseling during this time and had the love of my daughter, I would have ended up a completely broken-man.

That umbilical cord linking you two is still there.  The moments of seductive passion (something I know all too well), results in a moment of euphoria, followed by more pain; sense of worthlessness; emasculation; depression and so-on.  It is tantamount to a drug that has moments of "high" only to later experience that internal hate of continuing down a path that we know is killing our soul.  I can tell you that it will only stop when she is gone (moved on to someone else) and/or you decide you are done and I mean NC forever.  Your life and sense of self will then begin to return.  After a year of counseling (post divorce) I began dating again and ended up much, much wiser in the process.  It became obvious to me over time which dates had possibilities and which didn't.  I quit seeing "what I wanted them to be", and instead "what was presented".  Many of us get stuck not realizing the difference between the two. The warning signs were there in the beginning.  I was blinded by the passion and the fleeting moments of happiness.

Get into counseling if you are not already there

Hello Dad50,

I've read a bunch of your posts here.   I am glad to see you are continuing to post.   I would encourage you to post  often.   The   simple act of writing out your thoughts can help bring you clarity.    and support you in whatever direction you take.


in what way do you think you are broken D50?  if you had to describe the broken how would you?


How do you feel about listening to her describe her new relationship?


you do not have to participate in her problem.    in fact I would go so far as to suggest that by ~solving~ her problem for her you are actually helping to create it.

at this point, this isn't about her and what she wants or doesn't want.   its about you and your boundaries.   you and your self esteem.   you and your sense of identity.


I think you are right.     The question is ... like Mutt mentioned... what do you want to do about it?   What do you think you should be doing in this unhealthy situation and what is the first step you can take to get there?

arjay raised a lot of good points... the suggestion of counseling is a good one.     in addition I would suggest that regular posting here, working through the feedback provided by the good people who reply would also be helpful.


most of us arrived here with problems with our own self esteem.   I did,  that's why my relationship was so seductive to me.   in the idealization phase I thought  I suddenly became the greatest person in the world and I was hooked.    when my Ex discarded me I felt like the worst person in the world.     Neither of those was true.    I think I clung to the relationship because I didn't want to feel the abandonment pain.

How are you doing today?

It's amazing the control the BPD partners have over us, wow.  I found that it was the physical connection that drew me in the most and was by far the hardest to give up.

Her touch was intense and electric and beyond words.  It's how she initially drew me in, even before sex.  I think she could go years without sex, but she knew I was weak there and she used that against me.  Used it to control me.  It wasn't overt, so subtle it's only recognizable in hindsight.

I knew the relationship was damaging me.  My self confidence, my self concept, but I kept going back because the physical connection was so spot on.  I thought (mistakenly) the relationship could be built off of that.

The punishment of being treated like an unimportant piece of meat--a coat in her closet--was to great.  I had to overcome it and say enough is enough.  There was a relief in having no more contact.  But if you look at my post, I'm still not over her a year later.  I still think about her, every day.

I don't see how I could've ever broke it off if I was still intimate with her, or even letting her touch me in any way.  The control, the abuse, the pain would've continued.  That's gone now, it's a complete relief.  Good Luck dad50.

I feel this. My self esteem was in the toilet from a previous relationship with a con man that completely broke me. Having my BPD think I was so amazing, and pretty, and worth loving was a drug, honestly.  I was so scared no one else would ever want me (honestly I'm still a little scared, but I'm working on that)...

Everything I've read (and my therapist concurs) says that, at least for me, it all comes back to self love.  I need to believe I am worthy, I need to give myself that love and not worry about someone else fulfilling me. It's hard, very hard, because my damage goes all the way back to childhood...but I do feel like I am getting better, even if it is excruciatingly slow. 

Just yesterday I was thinking about this...it seems like the vast majority of people who end up with a BPD have some sort of self esteem or codependency issue. Someone commented once on this forum with a statistic that backed this up. I guess my point (do I have a point?  LOL) is that we ALL have work to do on ourselves.  I'm just glad that we have this forum for support.

I tried being friends with my ex after the first discard.  But it was him just keeping me on a leash "just in case". 
I truly believe you can be friends with a "normal" ex, eventually... BUT, I do NOT believe you can be friends with a BPD ex. They don't see you as a friend, they see you as a backup supply. This is a classic BPD move...they need a backup in case their current supply doesn't work out.  It's harsh but it's true in literally every story I have read about on this board and elsewhere.

I get how you feel - like you've lost all self respect. They are a drug.  Somewhere on the forum is a link or article about how being with a BPD literally changes your brain chemistry.  The fact is, like any drug, you have to go cold turkey to have any hope of getting off of it. Like most addictions, you cannot go back for a taste, a hit, a "just one time" thing - it won't work and it will be excruciatingly painful at first but after the withdrawal period you WILL heal.

I wish you the best, Dad50.   We are here for you.

Its reasonable to be cautious after the expirences. It was not straightforward sex for joy, it brought alot of trouble and grief. Maybe stands to reason being on support group but still, feels worthy to point out at times.

Wait for it…..
  Circus moves on.
   Left standing on peanut shells and paper cups.
  Self esteem… dunno…. Maybe just not paying for the house of mirrors  ride anymore.
   It’s rough. It’s hard.
  It is what it is.
  Thats when it becomes a life choice. Chase it or realize your just a shill.
What comes after is the unknown.