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Title: Why my partner still has contact with her abusing family Post by: sunflower32 on August 21, 2021, 11:20:36 PM Hello!
Im new in here, :hi: ! Well, first of all thanks for allowing me in to your community. My post is regarding my partner, we have been together for over 2 years, I believe my partner has all the signs to has BPD, but has not been diagnosed yet. She was raised in a truly abusing family, father was a cheater and a passive aggressive guy, mother was a :cursing: narcissistic :cursing: that was physically, mentally and emotionally abusing with all children ( 3), when my partner has 16 she started a relationship with a girl, so their family find out and the father and mother throw her out of home, because she was " :cursing: disgusting" and I don't know what else, they have never been there for her, when she was a child ( before she went away), her mother continuously told her she was stupid, she was a failure, that she was to fat, that she wasn't cute enough, that she shouldn't have been born, that she ( the mother) should have go on with the abortion, that she ruin her life etc etc. When my partner was force to go away, she finished her career, and start with a nice job and has a pretty independent life, even tho if they call with a big "drama" she would be running to their side. Siblings are not reliable either, she went to visit with her sister and family for few months and the sister behaved with her daughter ( my partner niece) like her mother used to behave with them, so my partner became the " rescuer" of the niece, but she was bombarded with abusing behavior ( treating her like a cleaning worker for the house), telling her she would go to hell and she need to stop being gay, that she needs to stop being herself and find herself a nice man and have children as god intended for women, her sister became a clone of my partners mother. Even after all done, even when they are still mistreating her ( the sister stuff was just 9 months ago), she still in contact with them, still writing in their social media as nothing happened, still try to please them, and I get really really mad about it, we have fight about it, and im tired of telling her she needs to cut that relationship, even if we are together, talking or having a relaxing time and the family calls, she would take the call, she would be there for them even though she knows and has being crying several times in my arms about the abuse, about how she doesnt want to have a relationship with them anymore, how much she hate them, etc, but she still cant cut them out... I really dont know what else to do... can you help me? Title: Re: Why my partner still has contact with her abusing family Post by: Cat Familiar on August 22, 2021, 10:28:26 AM It’s her family. Of course she still wants their love and approval, even though they’ve treated her poorly all these years. It’s instinctive.
By trying to get her to cut her ties to them, you are putting yourself in an authoritarian position. She has to come to this decision on her own. The more you try to influence her, it will feel like abuse, rather than support. If you want this relationship to work, you’ll need to be supportive and let her choose what to do about her family. Title: Re: Why my partner still has contact with her abusing family Post by: sunflower32 on August 22, 2021, 10:43:47 AM First of all thanks for the answer.
I am not the type of person that believes that just because someone is your blood, you have to allowed them to mistreat you and keep contact. If someone treats me bad I'll stop contact and protect myself. So I'm sorry but I don't agree with the let her to continue being bullied. I don't want to control her decision, I want to protect her, she was the one telling me for months she doesn't wanna have anything to do with them, and the fights started after she told me that but continue coming back. I didn't came here to ask you to give me steps for make her cut ties, but to understand why she is still coming back to where she is being hurt. Title: Re: Why my partner still has contact with her abusing family Post by: Cat Familiar on August 22, 2021, 11:51:40 AM It’s counterintuitive, but when someone hasn’t received the love and support from a parent when they were young, they often try to recreate circumstances where they will get it. It’s a need they want to fill, even when it’s very unlikely to ever happen.
Sometimes they choose partners whose behavior resembles the parent who never provided them love. And they try to get that person’s approval instead. |