BPDFamily.com

Interesting pattern I’ve noticed- she often tells me I’m “Just like her uncle, brother, neighbor… many times she told me I’m just like Donald Trump… WOWZA!  Can’t say good or bad that I’m ANYTHING like Donald Trump.

They are all narcissists, she tells me.   And the number one tell sign of a narcissist- you guessed it:   Narcissists deny being a narcissist.   Of course, this logic is ridiculous.   Men deny being women.   Bankers deny being construction workers.   People who don’t murder people deny that they’ve murdered people.  

The one person that she has told me has caused trauma- her other brother- has a complete lack of control for drinking- he will consume a case of beer or more in one sitting- drinking alone or with others.   But she defends him and refuses to say he has a drinking problem- he was also a “WONDERFUL father” who now has had zero contact with either of his two daughters for going on 2-3 years now (at LEAST).   But none of that is his responsibility.   His remarks “they are both little bitches”.

Oddly, that term “little bitch” is one she has recently coined to call me.   I have only heard that term from her and the one brother.   I’ve at times pointed it out- she doesn’t acknowledge that pattern.

As for the rest of her family, she sometimes complains and criticizes them, sometimes defends them.   If I try to respond one way or another, she resorts immediately to the phrase I hear often from her mother or sister “He’s poking his nose where it don’t belong!”   This is a family of lots of SECRETS.   Lots of abuse in the family history.
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What would she say if you asked her for explicit details in the way you’re like Donald Trump? Or how exactly you fit the narcissist description?

I honestly don’t know what she would say.   Likely something to the effect of “Don’t be a moron”   Or “Everyone can see it” or she would mimic me in a child like tone “How am I explicitly like Donald Trump” and storm off.   She might say “Stop!  NO MEANS NO!  You don’t know when to stop!”  (A trigger response likely due to the fact that she was raped at 18 and that she was molested between 8 and 10)

I just asked her about this.   Her response is that she’s told me in detail before and all I do is deny it.   She then told me that “You LOVE to point out that it’s because I’m BPD” (I’ve NEVER told her that she does anything because she is BPD). 

I believe that she feels it deep down and projects that on me.   I believe she is somehow self aware and knows what it’s about but her perception forces her to project.

I get that same accusation from my BPDw.  My mother was an extreme narcissist and she frequently tells me I'm just like my mother.  I'm virtually the anti-narcissist, but her distorted memories tell her otherwise.

In this issue and others like it, I only ever get broad generalizations and never get the details that would help me change behaviors or understand the accusation.

I've not quite learned not to follow up with questions, but reduced it considerably.

I understand how frustrating these and other false accusations are, and I'm working hard on not taking them personally...

I used to tell her she was doing something because of BPD... it never worked and usually triggered her.  Glad you already learned that lesson!

I’ve been called “self absorbed” a kissing cousin to narcissism. Nowadays I just agree, saying “Yeah, I’m probably the most self absorbed person you know or will ever meet,” and smile. That takes the fun out of it and I hardly ever hear that critique again.

I get told I'm like her abusive mother. (But when I say "abusive" it makes sense but I haven't even met the lady even though I've been married to her daughter for 20 years!) Anyway, I use the classic slight tilt of the head and a quarter smile. And I tell myself "It's BPD talking, it may be painful for me, but it will be over in half an hour, and she will forget all about it." (The sort of thing you might say to yourself when visiting the dental hygienist!)

on some level, she gets that this inquiry bugs you. the best way to respond to it is in a not-bugged way. i dont mean a "talk to the hand cause the face aint listening way". i mean in a way that truly emotionally detaches from her opinion about it.

stop trying to win. stop trying to point these things out to her.

a big sore spot between my ex and i was when she would lay into me about my mom. virtually no matter how i responded, i got, "youre just reacting that way because im talking about your mom", and, yes, talking  :cursing: about my family will get to me any time, but inevitably, it made me feel like a mommas boy, and id become more defensive.

let go of the defense. let the inquiry, the attack, lose its effect. the more you defend yourself against an accusation that, on some level, pushes your buttons, the more you look like you doth protest too much.

I think it's a black/white thing.  Basically, pwBPDs have black & white thinking.  When you're in the "black" zone, you're all bad, and vice versa.  My uBPDh would compare me to the people in his "black" zone often- his dad, my dad, both of whom irresponsible and did not care about their families.  Basically, I have long been in the same group as them.  It used to hurt me a lot- I would think, "How dare you compare me to those people?  I'm not half as bad as them!"  Now I know it is the black/ white thinking talking.  Because I'm not in the "white" zone, I must be in the "black" zone.  It still hurts, but at least I try not to JADE anymore, to keep making it worse.

So my view is that, she groups you with people in her "black" zone.  The pwBPDs themselves will, of course, stay in the "white" zone (unless they're experiencing some failures then they will put themselves in the "black" zone, but in my experience, that lasts very shortly, because they're quick to project it to someone else- likely their non-BPD partner?).