BPDFamily.com

My reactions to her BPD behaviors have been evolutionary at best.   In years past, we have had blow outs that involved me saying things that (as angry people tend to do) were extremely hurtful- and I regret every single moment as I have analyzed them in proper context.

This is my cross to bear- as I now know that not only have I said things that would hurt anyone WITHOUT BPD, but unknowingly, I have delivered what must be emotional fatal blows that she simply doesn’t have the capability to stop replaying again and again causing non-stop pain, mistrust and emotional frustration in the worst ways possible.

I am in an abyss of regret and sorrow every time I see her suffer.   Not just because she cannot help but remind me of every transgression, but because I am more and more aware of the constant hurt she feels.   

I know logically, I can’t save her from this pain.   I just wish I had a way to show her in the most constant way possible that my efforts are legit.   

I have often felt that BPD causes the sufferer to be in a constant fear of “When will the other shoe fall?  This seems and sounds genuine and supportive, but it MUST be a manipulative ruse that can’t be trusted”.   

Does she ever realize that I DO love her?  Does she ever feel that my efforts, though often flawed (I’m human and can’t possibly be 100% on all cylinders ALL the time), are genuine and not because I want to fake her out to be the narcissist she thinks I am?

yes.

the very short and general answer to your question(s), and i sense you get this (the constant fear of the other shoe dropping is a keen intution on your part), is that BPD involves an inherent lack of trust. but at the same time, building trust, and relationship security, is what its all about.

it will always be a struggle, and especially in times of stress, dysregulation, etc. its a hallmark of the disorder, and its a hallmark of a relationship with someone with it.

its the long term, big picture you ultimately need to be concerned about. you will likely not be able to resolve the sort of kitchen sinking "you said or did this, or this, or this" when things get heated. you build trust by listening to it, acknowledging it, validating the valid. you build trust by maintaining your composure and having a vision for the relationship. when our loved ones get back to baseline, that is the baseline, that is the established level of trust and intimacy they return to.

Unless you've done something really terrible, which I highly suspect you haven't, this kind of thinking is seriously disorded and harmful for your self-esteem. Remember that BPDs blow things way out of proportion, through guilt trips, etc. Also, treating her like a "baby" where you can't say one harsh word or simply get angry at is no way to live a relationship. Remember, they're still responsible for their actions, despite their illness. Normal people will forgive even big offenses and not keep bringing it up ad nauseum. Although BPD may be a different kind, if you expect them to grow, it's best to do your part in not enabling wrong behaviour. I speak for experience. I avoided any conflict at all and felt extremely guilty when I stood up for myself, only to teach her it's okay to step on me. All the while I lied to her telling I didn't resent her. Until I just left. If I had communicated my feelings effectively could the relationship be salvaged? I don't think so, since it was disordered on so many levels. On the next relationship(s), that is something I definitely need to work on, to prevent issues.

Again, this is my experience. No amount of love will ever suffice, in that you'll heal her condition. She will always be suspicious of you or your motives. BPD people have extreme low self-esteem. They simply can't believe someone is capable of loving them, despite their flaws. They'll never take your word for it that you're not cheating, that you'll not abandon them, etc.