BPDFamily.com

Hello!

Im new here, I would like some help if you can.
I have been long distance dating with my non-diagnosed Bpd ¿partner?, for a year more or less, she is the type of person that needs more contact and express her love more physically speaking, so the distance has been a real problem, but due to covid, unfortunately we can be right now together.
We lately have been having some problems, missunderstandings, and I believe could be to past traumas, of both, abandoment issues and the traumatic point that we need to live right now with our respectives families, which are... not reliable at all and had been emotionally abusing in the past... anyway...

Months ago, we have an argument and I told her I need it some space, after days, I come back, we talked, I apologized but ... things starting getting a bit colder from there and so on, some weeks ago she confide me, that she doesnt feel our relationship would work, she told me that time when I went away she felt so alone and ... that she havent being able to surpass this feeling of i will abandon her again... I told her I totally understand the fear, and I was so sorry to hurt her, and I want to stay and fix it, but she said she already given up in the relationship and that she believes is not fair for me to stay cause she doesnt believe anymore we will work, that she needs to heal, and she just know how to do it alone, and the only time she tried to do it with someone else at her side, was with me and the result was traumatic...

I told her I understand, cause I have my own problems with abandoment issues, and that I know how difficult is to trust in someone, but that I dont wanna go, that I understand she needs to do this by herself and she needs to heal, but if she needs me I will be here and that I choose to stay, she thanked me and told me she really appreciate it.

I know I still want her as my partner, not only a friend, but I do understand she needs to heal this wound and maybe I am the least person that can help in this process, but I am new to this, I generally leave if someone push me away ( probably also my coping mechanism), but in this case, I wanna stay and help, but I dont know really how, what to expect or how to behave to not make her feel stress or pushed, but at the same time showing her im still here...

Could you help me?

Hi Koalabear8, welcome  :hi:

So you're in a long distance relationship, and it's been made even more distant and challenging by covid. Did you two meet in person originally?

Things went on, and then there was the argument. It seemed kinda resolved, yet you could feel the "temperature" or "vibes" of the relationship changing after that.

Am I tracking with you that she has not been mean or cruel or vindictive towards you, just very "this is final for me"?

Is this the first official breakup the two of you have had?

Has the topic of relationship counseling ever been raised? If  how did she respond?

I think you are having some good, intuitive insights that "chasing" her or "pursuing" her or "desperately trying to convince her of your love" will push her away.

Finding out how to not push her away while still communicating "hey, I'm here" is a delicate balance. As counterintuitive as it sounds, some people in your position shift the focus off of "what is my former partner doing, is she noticing me" to "how can I bring my focus, energy, and investment back to me, to make me the healthiest me I can". Healthy, stable people can be attractive because they aren't needy or desperate, and people with BPD can sometimes be attracted to stability and emotional leadership.

Would be interested to hear how that sits with you, and if you're able to do much self care these days.

Again, welcome --

kells76 

Hello Kells76 !
Thanks so much for the answer.
Sadly no, when we had planned to meet covid happened...


No, she wasn't mean or anything like that, she actually was sad and telling me how much I ment to her, but that was so unfair for me to stay cause she doesn't believe in our relationship anymore, she doesn't have even hopes that we will meet soon, and that was not fair for me to stick around when she still haven't heal of that wound.

Once before she had told me we should break up that she couldn't handle the situation that was too much, that love wasn't enough when is so difficult. And I told her I truly believe this is you pushing me away cause you are scared. After few days we talked and fixed it, but this is the first time she ever tell me I give up, I don't think is gonna work and Im hopeless regarding this...

I did asked her regarding couples counseling, and she said I think yeah maybe working together in this could be faster and easier but the time I put my hope on doing together was traumatic so I do believe I should do this by myself and with a therapist.
Last time I spoke with her I told her I didn't want to leave, that I didn't feel it was unfair for me, that I understand she needs to do this by herself cause is the way she has always been working on it but that I'm here, that I don't wanna leave and that I would be happy to listening to her and sit by her side when she needed me.

She thanked me and told me she truly appreciate it cause she knows is difficult and is too complex and too much but is now when she believes she needs me more...

I do not believe though this means she wants to come back to the relationship, she still believes is doomed but she appreciated it I wanted to stay ...

I want to be also healthier cause I believe this situation make me realized how I also haven't fix my abandonment issues and how anxious I get when I think in this doesn't having any hope, I'm crushed ... I feel so down I haven't been able to take care of myself, my job seeking or my mental health, I did reserved a psychologist appointment, but the first session was not good, I'll give another try and if not I'll need to find a new one...

how long ago was the breakup? are the two of you still speaking at all?

Hello, thanks for the answer.

The breakup was wednesday last week, and we have small talk, like good day, good night, hope you have a good day... Why?

if youve broken up, and want to get back together, then the fact that you are in some contact can help.

is it all small talk? no discussion of feelings, getting back together, that sort of thing? just light and easy?

is it all small talk? no discussion of feelings, getting back together, that sort of thing? just light and easy?
We haven't talked about come back no, we still say to each other that we will hug to sleep (was something we generally said when we knew the other one had a bad day or was sad), she had told me few things about her day, like she is keeping herself busy with courses, job seeking and stuff like that, but we haven't talked about any feelings.
I still tell her I'm here if she needs to talk, but now she just tell me thanks, but I need to handle it by myself (about constantly fighting with her parents and stuff like that).

Sadly, I don't know if she even feels like coming back, I think she was really serious when she said she doesn't believes anymore in our relationship... And I'm scared actually to talk about that... I feel like I would be pushing when I told her I would respect her way to manage the abandonment wound... If I'm honest with you, I really don't know how to approach her or the situation...

i think youre probably right. dont push.

its a bonus, a big advantage that you are in contact. its an opportunity to kind of reset the conversation on your terms.

a long distance relationship is hard, under the best of circumstances. and especially under the circumstances that we are all living with, with this virus.

looking back, and reading between the lines a bit, it seems like she was voicing concerns, if not, perhaps, jumping to them, and those conversations tended to lead to debate or discussion, and not necessarily in a way that resolved them.

at the same time, its complicated. her words (consistently) suggest that the relationship doesnt work and she has resolved to end it. i think its vital to take her words at face value. at the same time, some of what shes saying and doing doesnt necessarily align with that.

i suppose what im trying to get across here, is that you have the opportunity to show her that things between the two of you would be different if you were to reconcile. not to tell her, not to argue with her, but to show her.

what do you think?

Everytime we spoke about our issues, I tried my best to be empathic and try to not get upset and I tried my best to get the things resolved, I actually was always thinking I managed the ugly conversations pretty well, probably you are right, and i didn't did a good job on it, the majority of the times when the things where left "unresolved" was when she got really angry with me because I told her please tell me what is happening and she would get angry and tell me I don't feel well but if you wanna talk now you would not like what i have to say and she would start telling me all the bad things she saw ( which in my mind was a misunderstanding of what I said) and then tell me I forced her to talk when she didn't felt good, and she would storm off and don't contact me for days ... So I do want to show her things can be better and we can improve our relationship, or that I can do better, the thing is I thought I was doing things correctly, obviously not, now I need a bit help about knowing in which other way I can show her I'm here, I love her, and I am truly sorry about hurting her ...

I do want with all my heart to show her that, I'm a bit lost in the way to do it ...
I want to be sweet and loving with her in my way to speak to her, but I'm also scared she would see it too as pushing...
I guess what I'm trying to say is, yes you are right I need to show her it would be different if she gives me a chance but I don't know how...

You are totally right, long distance relationships are always difficult but more with this situation, I have been 2 times before in long distance relationships, and was hard, but I think in this case even worse,she had told me she is the type of person that move sky, ocean or the Earth in order to be with the person she loves, but now she doesn't even have the hope anymore that if she do that something would change ( she told me this when she broke up with me), I am also the kind of person that would be giving everything for having my partner close, I told her I can use my last savings to bring you here with me and be together 1 month minimum and work things out, and she told me and then? Then when you need to leave the country because of your job?, Or when you need to move to another city? Then what? We will be again one month together then months separated and then again one month? I can't, I can't ... I will be having the same voice in my head that would say to me you would leave me ...

I wouldn't leave her, but yes, due to my job I have to be away from my home country and we would need to 1 find a way to work in the same country and city, or 2 we will need to be traveling to see each other, or 3 me or her would need to quit our careers to be with the other...
To this I told her, look I know is difficult, but if I get the job I'm applying for I can be working in the country for a year, we can live together and we can see how things developed... And she said, to this ... I don't even believe that this situation would ever happen...

Can someone give me some advice? How can I build trust ? Or how could I show my desire for this, if she is completely hopeless about us ...

in my findings re:research and in my experience with my partner is that they "always move the bar" its so hard as his triggers change all the time, my partner isnt even satisfied when i shut up and submit coz then im just a sulk.  he hasnt been officially diagnosed but we have worked it out together to discover hes definatley dpb. im wondering if hes comorbid but he got in first and is convinced im the narcassist. so dam hard once u are invested fully. old fashioned "stand by your man"

the logistical challenges (long distance relationship) are valid. in the short term, theyre probably more important than how the two of you have dealt with conflict.

however, if the relationship cant get past those logistical challenges (or otherwise hasnt) and the two of you arent clicking emotionally, and in the ways you deal with conflict, then both of those issues become even bigger.

it sounds like shes reached that point. its not a hopeless situation if the two of you are in contact, and shes engaging in these conversations; it means the relationship has a pulse, although it could be terminal. its hard to say.

has anything happened recently?

OMG, I'm so sorry for the delay in answering. Thanks so much to both of you.

I totally understand the challenging that is to be in a long distance relationship, I have been in 2 already, before this one.
We were talking for the past weeks, she seemed to dissociate... It seems one part of her or personality I don't really know how to describe it, is the one that takes care of all the difficult things, and speaks about herself in 3th person, telling that the other part of her has given up everything and now she is the one that needs to fix all, she said she knows im a good person and that she is sorry that things went so bad, but she is trying right now to put her life back together and having hopes about us would not help, that she appreciate i wanna stay and she wants me to stay, she said she is not interested in looking for anyone else and right now her priority is to fix her own life. 2 days ago something seems to happen ( she didn't told me) and she told me she is depress and wants to be alone, that has nothing to do with me and appreciate i wanna help but she believes I can't help and she just need to be alone and when she feels better she will contact me.

Of course it hurts she said I cant help and that sadly she doesn't trust in me to tell me what is affecting her, but I have been trying to respect her and not writing her in days, even though I feel like if I were addicted and my drug was taken away, I don't like this feeling, I have never seen myself as dependent but this feeling scares me and i wanna work on it at the same time that wanna work in our relationship.

I just got news from s job I applied in my country and I got it, I want so bad to tell her but I'll wait until she writes me again...

Any thoughts?

I have the same question as a previous reply…  How do I show my wife things would be different if she didn’t follow through with the divorce?

I used to take care of things at home, make sure meals were consistent (which helps everyone anyway) etc. But lately it doesn’t seem to matter what I do or don’t do- any bad feeling is attributed to me and the only solution (according to what she says) is to stop being married. Whatever I do or say is criticized, which makes me wonder how I’d “show” anything…

giving her space, and not pushing or chasing is the strongest possible card to display change.

im not telling you that it will win her back. but it will catch her off guard. its a start.

you are wise to hold off until she writes you. as much as you want to share your good news (congratulations by the way!), to an emotionally unavailable person, its the sort of thing that feels like an obligation.