BPDFamily.com

I have received some great advice on this forum ealier this week.

I now can see how I was escalating the rages with my s/o. I was not validating him because his reasoning and actions were wrong. But I now try to validate his feelings without saying he is right. He sort of called me our for using textbook stuff on him, but it kept him at bay.

He has now decided to stonewall me and has withdrawn all attention. Continuing to tell me he is done or leaving. I think it is about teaching me a lesson.

Any way, what is the best way to deal with stonewalling? I am giving space and walking around pretending to be unbothered. Sort of walking on eggshells. Worried everything I do will set him off.

My logical mind says to go on with life and let him figure it out, but that seems to be a trigger for him.

 

What triggered the stonewalling? And what lesson do you suppose he wants you to learn? I haven't read your other posts, but it sounds like the rules in the game are shifting and he's uncomfortable. That can be an indication that things are headed in a better direction.


I like it! The best way I know to deal with a tantrum like this is to genuinely tap that part of me that feels at peace. Take that pretending and make it real. Breathe deeply, knowing that you can live at peace with yourself and how you've handled this.

Untangle yourself from his emotions. Let him carry his emotions. You are not responsible for them. Reframe it just a little - he's not stonewalling, he's bringing himself back to baseline, and you're giving him space he needs to do that.

I think it's awesome that you're taking emotional leadership and resetting expectations for how you want to be treated. You've got this.

He was triggered because my children and I had been spending time with others while he was at work9. I was on vacation and wanted to take the kids out for fun. I also had lunch with a family member. Which he threw in my face. I felt he was being controlling and unreasonable.

He was hurt and felt left out. His reaction was 5 days of on and off rage mixed with stone walling. It has been a tough week.

I so appreciate how you reframed things for me.  It helps so much. I am finding this forum is such a blessing.   

Is his silent treatment the worst of it? Do the kids get it too?

He was being controlling and unreasonable. And yeah he was probably hurt and felt left out, too. Doesn't change the fact that it's completely ok for you to do things without him. Don't stop going out and building friendships and having fun.

Once he's stabilized emotionally, would he appreciate you creating/planning family time with him? What usually happens when he comes out of his funk?

I don't know what I would have done without this board. I completely agree that it's a blessing and I'm glad you're here.  :hug: 

Practical advice.

Watch this video on how to not be invalidating. This is far more effective that trying to validate - as you have already seen.
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

As for the stonewalling - read this:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

Validation is an advanced skill and we really can make any headway with it if we haven't stopped being invalidating for a while. You most likely are have a partner who is very easily invalidated.

Stonewalling - the point where you can't say anything to someone because you know you will get an invalidating response is a very dangerous place to be in a relationship. You may make progress with him, but it takes patience. Do you feel that way about him?