BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone

I have been watching this forum for a while as a lurker ever since the girl I am dating has told me about her BPD... but I think I am at the point where I just need a bit of advice. This forum has been really helpful in knowing I am not alone and neither is the girl I am dating - let's call her L to make things easy.

I met L online in February 2020 and hit it off immediately. Like so many others have described, It was all so quick, intense and moved fast. Not super fast but we were speaking on the phone within 4 days and had met up within a week and a half. We had obvious chemistry and shared interests. L was scared to tell me that she was divorced and has young kids but it really didn't bother me when I found out. She told me about her BPD and said I probably didn't want someone 'crazy' - but I have tried to research as much as I can.

Then the pandemic - here in the UK we had lockdown for several months. We remained in contact throughout for the first month and we looked after each other. Her life changed - she had to look after her children more (long story - their Dad completey ignored his childcare obligations) and she had to home school which really drained her.

I tried to be helpful but she then started to distance herself. I didn't hear from her for a week. Initially, I took it really personally. I couldn't understand it in a BPD context either - how can someone who fears abandonment abandon me? As time has gone on, and through reading posts here, I understand better now - L pushes me away because she's worried about what she sees an an inevitable abandonment. She came back and it was like nothing had ever happened - we picked things up again right away and met up again once we were able to.

The pendulum of push/pull has swung back and forth ever since - I have learned not to take it personally, or to engulf her with messages or keep trying to make contact like I did at the start. I have backed right off, given her space, and just drop her a message occasionally  to say hello or send her something I know she'll like. I'll never tell her but it hurts me like hell, I feel lonely and lost when this happens. Looking at other posts, this seems to be typical of pwPBD which is kinds reassuring in a way. She cycles around and has come back each time.

I have also been stood up a few times, which again seems to be a common thing? L is always apologetic afterwards and know she has upset me, but she goes silent when we are meant to be having time together, or once when I had arranged to see her, I was outside her house for ages to find that she had gone to see her mum and ignore me. I understand why it happens, she feels she is getting too close to me and backs away. I try my best to be understanding and not get annoyed - she already is angry at herself, so my displeasure is the last thing she needs.

L has also told me I should try and find someone else, she isn't good enough etc. Normally I would interpret this as wanting to end the relationship but I have persisted with her and it feels like, whilst she believes it, she doesn't want me to go - she's suggesting it out of care and wanting not to be a burden on me. I don't want anyone else though, especially when I know that L wants me and will come back around. She deserves love too, right?

We are on a silent period at the moment. There doesn't seem to be a trigger this time. L just slowed down the frequency of calls, then texts and now... nothing. It feels like before but this is the longest silent period thus far - 2 months and counting.

Thanks for reading the essay - now a few questions that I'd like some opinions on from pwBPD or supporters. I know I can't 'fix' her - this is about me trying to understand her and how I cope with things. I want to try and make this work.

1. Do you think I have interpreted her actions correctly? Does anyone have a similar experience? Am I doing the right thing to back off messaging her do you think?

2. Any advice for me for dealing with the silent periods? Some self care?

3. Is two months typical? I feel stuck - I want to make it work with L but with no sign at the moment of her return, I inevitably question how long I can sit here and wait. If I knew for sure she would come back then it wouldn't be a problem, but I don't want her to feel abandoned and further validate her fears.

4. Any advice on how to help dealing with her standing me up when we are talking? I know why it happens, I try not to get upset. I just can't work out what it is that makes her push through the feelings for a successful meet.

5. Anyone been able to make a LTR work? It seems that all of these relationships end badly from everything I have read. I feel like we can make it work in the long term, I have to accept and ride the waves, it's going to be bloody hard - but anyone with success stories or a bit of hope? or is all of my optimism misguided?

Thank you in advance for any advice you can give.

So glad you decided to post after lurking! Welcome welcome.  :wee:


You're doing the right thing. I don't have BPD, but I was a single mom of 3 when I met my now-husband. My favorite thing about him was that I could say no, or not now, or not yet, and he wouldn't get offended or sulk or just go away in a fit. He'd give me time, then try again, in a small way. To me, this indicated a strong sense of self. He wouldn't rely on me to always be there or take care of him. I found that very attractive and reassuring because I knew that with 3 kids, I couldn't promise to always be available.  

I can only imagine how much more intense these feelings are when you have BPD.


Absolutely. You're here sharing your frustration, that's great. I throw myself into a home renovation project or work out. Create intentional time for your brain to focus on something else and get a break from worrying. Find a counselor you can vent to and get unbiased perspective from.


How long is really up to you - only you can decide what's too long.

Being in a relationship with her will require you to have a strong sense of self. This doesn't mean gritting your teeth and bearing it, in fact, it means more vulnerability. It may mean self-care, counseling for yourself, setting firm boundaries with her and holding yourself accountable for sustaining the boundaries. It may mean assessing your personal limits (because we all have them) and really asking yourself if this is the best thing for both of you. It may mean finding and sustaining multiple sources of support.


This is where boundaries may be effective. It's not about anger or vengeful behavior, but it's important for her to know that dismissing you isn't acceptable. If it happens again, "I'm going to wait 15 more minutes, and then I'll head on to the concert by myself. I'll be seated at this location, come find me if you can make it!" Let her know you're ok - you have a life, you're stable, you're not angry, but you're not going to wait around for her or tolerate that treatment.


There's always hope. It will take hard work. Many people here have shared successes after implementing the tools we learn here.

We get how frustrating and impossible it can feel sometimes, but we're here to support you in any way we can.

I don't want this to sound harsh but...are you truly ok with sitting around waiting for L and putting your life on hold?  You deserve happiness, too, and its not your responsibility to try and keep her from feeling abandoned. She abandoned you and she needs to be the one to have responsibility for that.
Remember the 3 C's:  "I didn't cause it."  "I can't cure it."  "I can't control it."

I had a big issue waiting around for my pwBPD to decide he wanted to message me or include me in his life and I was being driven crazy. I finally realized that for him, it was "out of sight, out of mind" and he was off doing whatever with whomever while I was brokenhearted waiting.  It wasn't fair to me to be kept on a leash and its not fair to you.