BPDFamily.com

     This is my first post here after lurking on this forum for 3 weeks. I want to detail my 2 and a half month relationship with a woman that has since completely derailed my emotional and mental health. I have no proof that she's been diagnosed with BPD but the telltale signs of are all there.        

      M(34) and I (38) met through online dating and had our first date on May 1st. From that day and we were inseparable. She was so easy going, beautiful, vulnerable, and voluptuous.It didn't take long for us to get physical and the sex was amazing and abundant. About a month in she told me she loved me, and I loved her.

      Even when all this was happening, some things she did gave me pause. She was REALLY into me. I mean A LOT. She would constantly be touching me and complimenting me. Telling me how cute I was and how easy it was to talk to me. It was definitely over the top but I just figured she liked me.      
    
       I knew we were moving quickly but we each invested in the relationship at the same pace so I didn’t get concerned.  After a few weeks, I met her family and she met mine. Eventually it came time for her to meet my kids. I had arranged for us all to go to a local play place so my boys would meet her.
      
     That day, she texted me that she was going to take her kids from her ex-husband, who bullied her into doing so, despite the fact that it was his time, and that she was not going to make it to dinner. I was miffed but I didn’t get angry. I just gave her a thumbs up emoji and didn’t text her the rest of the day.

       Later that night, she texted me if I wanted to talk and I told her I was upset about her not making it to the meeting with my kids.

"He doesn't sound like the type of guy that is going to stop doing this."
"I don't know what I am going to do rn."
 
      This disagreement was our first one and it triggered her. In a few curt texts, she told me she was aware of her family situation. The next night, I called her at 9 for our daily call and she didn’t answer. She texted she was out with “a friend.”

       In the next few days, went at her house to talk about the matter face to face. Immediately, I could tell that her entire demeanor had changed toward me. She told me about how me not calling/texting her the other night made her feel so anxious and affected her ability to parent. Eventually it devolved into a “circular argument.”  She said if I did it again, the relationship was over. I couldn’t tolerate an ultimatum, and left saying I’m done.

      I went home and caved. I called her back and told her I just wanted to her and that I loved her. She said she had a busy week coming up and that she would call me Wednesday.

     When we spoke Wednesday night, I told her I was sorry for what I did the other day, asked for her forgiveness and she said “I don’t think we can get through this.”

       She said she didn’t want to see me anymore.  Knowing I wasn’t going to change her mind and that she would only would lose respect for me if I begged or pleaded, I relented. So I just said “Goodbye M” and hung up the phone, heartbroken.

      She started dating someone immediately afterward. I can tell through here Instagram that this guy has been taking her on vacations to Chicago and the Lake of the Ozarks. We're texted intermittently, cordially. I asked her if she wanted to hangout sometime and she refused because she was "seeing someone else."

      I'm a basket case and I have been now for two months. The idea that our entire relationship, the intimacy, the sex, the hours of deep conversations, can turn on a dime like that over one minor misunderstanding is ridiculous. I get cold sweats, massive anxiety, depression and I am 2 months removed from it.

     I can't stand it. I feel guilty for criticizing her the way that I did. About a month ago I stumbled on this forum and sub-Reddit and I noticed how a lot of these stories sounded like mine. The idealization, the monkey branching, the mirroring ect.

     I can't help but want her back even though I hear the kind of hell that can unleash. I want to help her. I'm working with a breakup coach to see if I can get her back.

    I'm not sure if I have ever been this depressed. It's scary. It's three day weekend. I should be happy. I was happy when I met her, but now...

Thanks for reading.                          

Hi TigerDank,  :hi:

Welcome to our online family! Sounds like you've definitely been through the ringer in a short time. Lots of highs and now the lows.

A pwBPD can be quite easily triggered into feelings of abandonment which prompts them to react in kind and abandon relationships or threaten to. Do you think that might be what happened?

Wools

I think that's exactly what happened. I triggered an abandonment episode without even knowing it and it was over before I knew what happened. I'm definitely not one to diagnose major personality disorders but, after I found this forum, the details are too numerous to ignore. My therapist agrees.

I think she had an ex on the outside that had called her and I think she may have initially rebuked him but when our argument happened, she jumped ship.

The idealizing put so much pressure on me. She thought I was this perfect guy, but I'm human, I'm emotional and moody. I feel guilty.

  

Hi again, TigerDank,


It's good self awareness that you picked up on the idealizing phase. You don't have to give up on who you are to be in a relationship with a pwBPD, but you do have to learn the skills you need to work in relationship with them.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

I'm glad to hear that you're in T. Being able to share and learn in T has been a lifesaver for me. It's so easy to feel guilty as you mentioned. Sometimes you have to ask yourself if that's the right question, ie, "is it appropriate for me to feel guilty for being human and expressing my needs?"   There are ways to learn to express those needs and not trigger the SO in our life. I'm still in the learning process myself!

Wools

I feel really guilty about the way I did it. She built this image of me up in her head that I couldn't compete with. I pushed her away by not texting her back that day.

But Jesus, I didn't think she would dump me over it.

I'm at 6 1/2 weeks since the discard and I know this feeling so well. I was split when I finally got the balls to tell him I felt like he was using me. To me, it was a minor statement, something normal people would discuss and try and figure out (plus he alluded to that exact thing the last time I saw him, basically made a statement about how I was giving him all my energy and he wasn't giving back). But apparently, this hit too close to home and that was that.
I spent weeks asking myself the same thing - how could we be so close, have such deep conversations, understand each other so well...and it was all done over one statement. I blamed myself, told myself I shouldn't have brought it up, that I could have worded it better...
I finally came to the realization that I will never understand what goes on in his brain - BPD's thought processes do not work like other peoples.

I finally realized that if I can't say literally one negative thing in a relationship (romantic or otherwise), that I have to hold myself back from expressing my thoughts and needs, then that relationship is toxic. And I deserve better. YOU deserve better

No one can help them, they have to help themselves. They have to realize they have a problem and decide to change. No amount of you trying to help her without her doing the work will do anything other than create more chaos for you.

Being with a BPD is like being an addict. It can apparently change brain chemistry, which sounds crazy but honestly with the way I feel, it makes sense. Being away from them feels like withdrawal. The only way to get over it is the same way as any other addiction - keep away from the drug.  In this case, that means going no contact.

I wish you the best, its hard but you will get through it

ETA: sorry I see this is on the "bettering a relationship" forum.  I don't really have any advice on that - but just know we are here for you

Did you know he had BPD or did you connect the dots post mortem like me?

He told me he thought he had BPD after the first time he split me and it made so much sense.
I am familiar with BPD because my daughter has it (she was diagnosed early, went through intensive DPT and is very high functioning now --she still has the thoughts but she is much better able to deal with them and have functioning relationships).
I did a lot of research on how BPD differs in men vs women and learned about love bombing (which I was not familiar with as it wasn't something my daughter does) and I thought I knew what to expect going forward --- and I was wrong. Honestly I never in a million years thought he would completely discard me like he did or that it would devastate me as much as it did.

It's insane. I'm still reeling from mine. I want her back so bad but literally everyone I talk to irl or online says run for the hills.

It is quite literally akin to a drug addiction. There's something about the love bombing and resulting oxytocin that rewires the brain. You pretty much have to treat it as a drug addiction - go cold turkey (no contact), have a great support system through the withdrawals and come out better on the other side. AND work to never slip back into that drug.

Not sure if you have been on the "Detaching after a breakup" side of the forum but feel free to come read our stories - you will see that your feelings are the norm and that it IS possible to detach.

I know you posted about wanting her back - but ask yourself if you feel this awful after 2 1/2 months, how would a lifetime of push/pull, split/discard cycles make you feel?  You are worthy of healthy love.

I see what you're saying but I don't think that will be a problem. I don't think she is coming back. Who knows.

are the two of you still communicating? what are the communications like?

I reached out to her a few times and things have been cordial. One time a accidentally called her, hung up immediately (honest) and she texted me the next day asking "what's up."

I floated the idea of meeting up and she said she admitted she was seeing someone.   

do you still want to reconcile?

Idk, man. I feel like a heroine addict.

Logically, I know she's poisonous. But emotionally, I'm still attached. I got divorced 3 years ago and she's the first girl I let in.

Like an idiot, I looked at her Instagram stories and she freaking out about something going wrong with this new guy. I'm struggling not to text her and tell her I miss her.   

 

Should I let her know I think she has BPD?

No. Read this page - about half way down under "What not to do"
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

There are also many stories on the boards from people who tried it and it never goes well
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=274445.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279983.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0

Thank you for your input. I guess I knew it was wishful thinking. The truth is I just want to talk to her.

It so common to feel this way...unless you are still hoping to reconcile, I suggest posting on the detaching forum for support with this.   
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=11.0

I will. Hypothetically, if I am looking to reconcile, how would I go about it?

I have no advice on that as I don't think its a good idea but if its the route you want to take I suggest posting a new thread with that as the title, hopefully someone can help you. Take care.

you wouldnt be the first to become involved in your relationship at sort of an emotionally vulnerable time. more than likely, it opened up wounds that preexisted her.


the hard thing about this is, is if shes in a new relationship, its not something you can really compete with, and, frankly, you ought not try. its really got to play itself out, and stand or fall on its own. if her relationship crashed and burned tomorrow, and she came back, those wouldnt really be the ideal circumstances. its probably the last thing you want to hear, but its an emotionally strong move to keep yourself out of that equation.

that doesnt mean you cant sort of stay on her radar, so to speak. are the two of you connected on social media or anything?

My thoughts exactly. We're not connected on Facebook or Instagram because I defriended right after the breakup. I send her a text every now and again when I see a meme or a TikTok that reminds me of her.

I just really hope she gets the help she needs. She's an amazing girl despite all this, absolutely beautiful, and I know she's hurting. 

I definitely want her to know she can call me before she does something stupid.

She's been all over my IG stories the last few days. First bit of unprovoked attention she's paid me in weeks...

she probably values you as a person, and the time you spent together.

if you defriended her, then you likely sent the message that she cant call you.

im not saying it was necessarily the wrong decision for you, but im saying it might work against your goals.

idk, I've initiated all the contact after the breakup, even told her she can call me when she is ready when we last spoke, I think she is going to have to contact me directly if she wants to talk...  

Tiger, your story is similar to many others. I'm going to give you my best advice: move on. Listen to what ILMBPDC says. You have to give yourself time to heal. It takes time, and effort. Therapy helps. Better to suffer now for a bit, than pursue an ideal that will never exist. See the "detaching" board.

Appreciate the reply. This is hard.

She's lurked on my every Instagram story I've posted for a month. The rub is I don't follow her, meaning she's actively having to search my name and click on my profile as opposed to mindlessly scrolling through the stories in your feed which is what most people do. She's doing this knowing I can see her, like she's baiting me into contacting her.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't post stuff trying to get her attention.   

Tiger, we all know how hard this is. You are not alone by any means. One thing that is helping me get through my experience is extending a helping hand to others; our exes are not like this on purpose. My ex suffered incredible trauma through much of her life, and because of of that I am learning to detach with compassion (which at times makes it even more difficult because it really emphasizes how much I loved, and still, love her; more importantly, it also means I am able to take care of myself first, which is vastly more important). I practice extending that compassion to others every chance I get. It's incredible how much helping others has helped me refocus on my own self-worth - something I have always possessed and understood, but has been tough to see at times through the darkness and pain of the past several months.

This site has helped me immensely. Keep using it. But do understand that with this one life you have, you must take care of yourself before anything else. Do yourself a huge favor and move over to the board that emphasizes learning to detach. Once you detach, only then will you have clarity. You can get through this. You really can.

Update:

She sporadically looked at my IG stories over the course of the last 2 months. A few days before Christmas, I responded. I just asked her if everything was okay and she told me she was fine. Nothing but really surface level stuff. Her walls are still way up with me which hurts because we used to talk effortlessly for hours.

She hasn't looked at any of my stories since and now I'm depressed because I feel like I have chased her off. Making matters worse, I stalked her profile and there is another dude all over it.     

I still miss her...

I feel you. My BPD wife of 5 years, together 6, split and abandoned me about 3 months ago.

I love her so much and miss her even more. Everyone told and is telling me to forget her and move on, including my therapist who says I’m developing PTSD.

All I can tell you is read all of the boards, and if it helps you can learn the tools on here and as much as you can about BPD.

I never thought she would reach out to me. She blocked me, had her family threaten me, told me I’m disgusting and repulsive, and much more.

Then, a few weeks ago, she blew up my phone, and we talked for hours, her saying she loves me just isn’t in love with me at the moment (seems like a common BPD thing to say) and this isn’t my fault, maybe we will figure all this out, and on and on and much more. Since then, nothing.

Thankfully, I was able to apply some of the tools on this website to keep the conversation healthy and productive. At the same time, she hasn’t cared to reach out to me since, but I’ve worked on myself since she left, so I’m detached enough to be okay and realize that no matter what I do, I ultimately can’t control her cycles, only proper therapy can.

If you still love her, my advice is give her space, work on yourself, learn about BPD and tools for healthy relationships, and really ask yourself what you want for your future.

I pray when my BPD wants to recycle, I’m too healthy to want that in my life anymore.

Let me know if I can help somehow. I feel the pain and love. Just know that there’s NOTHING you can do to control her reactions, learn but don’t blame yourself.

Thanks for the reply. I wish I new for sure that she had it but I don't. I still feel a lot of guilt about it.

No one out in the dating market can compete with her either.   

I 100% know how you feel. I don't know for sure she has it either, even though it perfectly explains everything and she meets all the criteria.

It does seem like everyone in the dating market is bland and just not the same as her. Therapists/family/friends have tried to help by comparing a BPD relationship to a drug, like heroin. It's true that nothing can compete, but the downsides just become too much after a while. Real, healthy relationships feel different, I'm told. I sure hope that's true.

I don't know what else to say other than I feel the same way as you.

Check out this thread I just found. It helps a lot and I feel is relevant to my previous post/this discussion:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=351789.new#new

Honestly it doesn't matter if she has it or not - what matters is the behavior. I go back and forth on if my ex truly has it or not - he thinks he does but it could also be cPSTD which has a lot of overlap in symptoms. He also shows some covert NPD signs. But does it really matter what he "has"?  No, what matters is how he treated me, how he reacts to things, how he easily discards people. And how *I* react to that.

If you have a therapist I highly recommending discussing this with them - you have no reason to feel guilt over your ex's actions. The only person you have any control over is yourself.

Hmmm - why is that do you think? What are you looking for that someone else can't provide?

I recently started attending Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings and its been a real eye opener. They have a "laundry list" of behaviors and a list of common traits that come about from having lived with alcoholic parent(s) - I have no idea is this applies to you or not but a lot of these traits are also found in people who had generally dysfunctional childhoods - again I have no idea if this applies to you but I recognize the thoughts you have here and feel like maybe some of the following might apply?


-Extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
-Guilt feelings when standing up for themselves instead of giving in to others
-Harsh self-judgment and a very low sense of self-esteem
-An overdeveloped sense of responsibility, making it easier to be concerned with others, which enables adult children of alcoholics not to look too closely at their own faults
-Confusion between love and pity and a tendency to “love” people they can “pity” and “rescue”
-Becoming alcoholics, marrying them or both, or finding another compulsive personality such as a workaholic [or pwBPD?] to fulfill sick abandonment needs


So, that last one really hits home for me -I have come to realize I am still so attached to my ex because his emotional distance basically recreates the "familiar" feel of my childhood - I am literally recreating the deep seated need to prove that I am worthy and loveable (originally to my parents) with a man who doesn't treat me well and doesn't want me - and I have recreated this dynamic in basically all of my relationships. It's been extremely hard to admit this to myself but now that I have, I am coming to terms with it all and working on myself - the only person I can change.

I am not a therapist by any means, I am just sharing some things I have learned in my journey and hopefully give you some food for thought. Mainly - I think you understand the relationship is not healthy, so why are you clinging to it?

I just joined this board yesterday, and my story sounds identical to yours.  Started dating this woman in September, and lasted 2-1/2 months.  8 incredibly amazing weeks followed by 3 tumultuous weeks where she criticized my daughter (not to her face thankfully), criticized my best friend's wife, criticized my dog, and said some other pretty ridiculous things.  I broke up with her just after Thanksgiving.  It's been 6 weeks, and I've missed her terribly, very similar to the way you feel.  I have been divorced for 5-1/2 years, and she had never been married.   We got into a fight, and I broke up with her.  After the breakup, she defriended me on social media.  I didn't hear from her for 3 weeks, and then she reached out the weekend before Christmas and said she was shocked that I didn't check on her after she had surgery the week before.  I told her that after she defriended me, I didn't think reaching out to her would have been well received.  In the next couple days, 2 of her friends reached out to me and said they were sorry to hear we had broken up, and that they liked me and I should reach out to the ex-GF.  I wished her a Merry Christmas, and then she and I traded messages back and forth a couple days later.  I was hoping to have a conversation to discuss the things that upset her and the things that upset me, and see if we could figure out a way to build on what was an otherwise amazing relationship.  She said maybe, and that she needed a few days to focus on her health after the surgery.  I found out the Monday after New Years that she is officially "in a relationship" on Facebook with another dude.  I just don't get it.  She must have known the week between Christmas and New Years that she was dating this guy.  Why would she message with me?  And how did she go from me breaking up with her, and her having a major surgery, to being in a Facebook official relationship in 5 weeks?  How do people move that quickly?  And what dude would agree to that so quickly? 

I so badly want to go back, but like you, I don't think there is any chance of that now.  Like you, my friends and family all say run for the hills.  But there was something about this woman that I can't seem to shake.