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I need to put an end to this relationship, the pain is way too much.
I don't know who I am anymore, I feel like I'm the shadow of myself, I either feel so numb or in pain all the time.

In the past I tried to break up with him many times when some big fight or act of violence occurred, it's like in those moments I was getting back some sense of self-love that apparently I lost over the course of this relationship, but in the end I've always failed to resists his attempts to drag me back, even with NC.

I want to tell him that this relationship doesn't work for me anymore, we have different needs. You guys know well about the problems with BPD, the suffering and frustration they cause, I don't need to list them here, but he won't understand them and he'll get so mad at me for abandoning him, especially after last time he made me promise i wouldn't leave him. But this is making me sick, literally, and so miserable.
As I said, our previous break-ups always followed some fight, so it was like a had an "actual" reason to tell him I didn't want to be together, but right now nothing really happened, I just think it's the right thing for me, so I have this voice in my head telling me that it's not justifiable.

To be completely honest with you I'm also kinda scared of his reaction, he's been violent before, last time during our fight he got so out of control that he ended up breaking my leg cause I was trying to get out of the room.

I was thinking that I could ask him to meet outside in some place with other people, it'd be safer, but we always meet at his place first, it's like a routine, and he would get suspicious if I asked him otherwise. And speaking face to face is so risky cause he's really good at manipulating me, I don't know if I could stand up for my decision, he might talk me back into it and without realising I'll just end up apologizing to him.
Or I could just send him a message and then block him, but it feels so desrespectful after 2 years of relationship and i'm worried it won't give us a sense of closure.

What do you think? Do you have any advice? I'm so lost and I don't really have someone to talk to about this. Thank you  :heart:

I'm so sorry that you're experiencing all of this. For me, I had to ask myself "Would I rather keep this going and completely lose myself forever? Or Would I rather step off off this up and down roller coaster while I still can to save myself." 

Since there has been violence in your relationship in the past, you could benefit from counseling from your local Domestic Violence organization. They are experienced in helping people leave difficult and abusive relationships. Can you reach out to them?

One thing to remember -- CRITICAL -- is that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the abused partner makes the move to leave.

This is why you are right to think carefully about how to leave your relationship. With violence in the past, it is highly likely that your partner will become violent again.

Do you think you need to file for a Protective Order?

Once you end the relationship, and block him, what access does he have to your house/apartment? Do you feel safe?