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It’s been 2 and a half months since she broke up with me and blocked me from everywhere. She’s with me in online university classes so I hear her talking almost on a daily basis. She is not the person I fell in love now because she is likely a mirrored version of her current supply.

But I keep thinking about that version of her that I fell in love with, I keep fantasizing about what could have been. That beautiful girl who’s shy and not easy to get. The innocence she had, it’s like she was everything I’ve ever wanted physically, emotionally, and intellectually. I miss that version of her so much and not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. Not the current version that I attend classes with, but the version I first met.

I know that she wasn’t real but this is what messes with my mind even more. The love, emotions, and trust that I invested with that version are now all gone because that version itself no longer exists. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love and trust again or if I’ll ever find someone so beautiful, smart, talented, and innocent like that version of her that I fell in love with.

I still hurt a lot knowing that no matter how much I did for her it was never enough. A part of me felt like I’m not what she wanted and I often expressed this feeling to her but she always denied it and convinced me otherwise.

The day of our breakup in which she blocked me everywhere, I was under heavy emotional stress that I had to be taken to a hospital. A friend of mine sent a photo of me in a hospital bed to her and she simply blocked him. She didn’t care, she didn’t ask, whether I’m alive or dead didn’t make a difference. I was willing to move mountains for her but she didn’t care I was in the hospital...

Hi there, is it possible to mute her channel in your classes so that you don't have to see her/listen to her? Asking as somehow who would NEVER have found the strength to mentally detach if I hadn't been forced to physically detach from my ex completely and without exception.

Distance is almost impossible to garner as long as you hear and see her every single day.

Hey Sappho,
Unfortunately that’s not possible to do. However, I don’t feel hurt when I hear her talking because I know she isn’t the person I fell in love with.
It’s just that I miss that version of her that I fell in love with and it’s really messing with my mind that I fell in love with an illusion that doesn’t exist. I feel like I’ll never find love again nor find someone as “complete” as that version was.

Even if she tries to come back now, all bridges have been burned down. She smeared me hard to everyone she knows, her friends and family hate me (no idea what she told them for them to turn on me after they used to praise me so much) and my friends and family hate her for what she did to me. Not only that, but after I’ve became well informed about BPD I know that if she comes back it wouldn’t be because she loves me but because I was the only one willing to endure her abuse, love her unconditionally, and not do as much as even look at any other girl when we were outside.

I really want to recover because I’m really tired of all this. I did nothing but love her with all her my heart and all she did was continuously step on it.

Blocking is a form of communication

It has its uses at certain points. There are few binary options in this game that work. Its about adapting to a changing dynamic of your recovery. We don't have too look far for examples where systems thinking have failed and logic with it.

Be fluid in your response be flexible to the changes they take place. Our brains are infinity mode complex that AND OR circuitry pathways