BPDFamily.com

Hello,

This is my first post after finding this website today. I’m 23, have 10.5 years of therapy for depression and anxiety, and I’ve been a complete emotional mess this past week and a half. I broke up with my BPD girlfriend 2 weeks and 4 days ago now. We dated for 1 and a half months, knowing each other for 2 weeks prior to us starting to be boyfriend-girlfriend.

The beginning of the relationship went great, as I have now learned is common in relationships with people who have BPD. This was my first relationship, so I was truly happy and swept off my feet with emotion. Our sense of humor was identical, we both love working out, and we were both physically attracted to one another. The dates went beautifully for the first month of me knowing her. We went on hikes, went to the beach, had a picnic while watching sunset, went to the movies, went jet skiing, we were crazy about each other physically. All of it was so much fun and we were having the time of our lives. I was truly on cloud 9.

After about 2 weeks of us dating, and a few days after I told her that I loved her, the downhill path started. I had just cooked for her a new recipe I learned, but she didn’t seem happy and was being very quiet and distant. After me asking her what was wrong a few times, she finally told me that she was suspicious of me cheating on her. I was completely baffled and hurt, but I tried to be understanding, and I told her that I would never do something like that and that I loved her, but I could tell she wasn’t believing me. I kept trying to reassure her, and explained to her that trust is pivotal for any relationship to work. It all ended awkwardly, and the next time we hung out, she apologized deeply and told me she has BPD.

After this event, the next month consisted of the same roller coaster cycle. We’d have an amazing time, live, laugh, and love. Then once a week, almost like clockwork, she’d be suspicious of me cheating and suggest that we break up. It would bring me to tears, I would tell her I that what she fears is simply not the case, and I made several efforts to reassure her. I’d text her multiple times a day, hangout with her multiple days a week, spend the night, invite her to hangout with me and my friends. The whole 9 yards. But it just didn’t create any lasting stability.

After the 4th week of this cycle, I ended up breaking up with her after she had said some very hurtful words to me. I loved her and still do dearly. She blocked me on social media, but I saw her in a video with a mutual female friend of ours and my ex seemed very happy and unencumbered by the break up. I’ve been a complete mess, thinking about her every waking moment, and unable to sleep without waking up from horrible stomach pains throughout the night.

My question is, after reading a lot on this website, should I try to ask the friend to convince my ex to try dialectical behavioral therapy, should I try to contact my ex myself and tell her this? Also how do I handle the post break up emotions after dating someone with BPD, and how do I handle my conscious hope that she will reach out to me and try to rekindle our relationship? I am at a loss of what to do at this point, and any insight about BPD or my situation would be immensely appreciated.

Thank you for reading

Hi Deep Blue! (great name, by the way) Sorry to hear you're going through this. You're not alone.  :hug:


First off, what you're going through is normal. You are going through actual physical withdrawal. These dysfunctional relationships create a cycle of addiction for the healthy person in it, which is why you're feeling so horrible right now.

The good news is, this too will pass. Yes, it will suck, and it will suck for a while (most people only start to really feel better about it after around three months after the breakup). But if you hang in there and stay true to yourself, you'll eventually get out of this and you will feel better. It's inevitable.


Difficult. If she's been diagnosed and hasn't yet seen the necessity to start treatment herself, it's unlikely you'll be able to convince her. Sadly, many members who have tried regardless have been "painted black" by their BPD (ex) partner. If you do recommend this to her, be prepared that she might a) fly into a rage, b) start blaming you for being the ill one, c) start talking badly behind your back, d) drop you like a hot potato and never speak to you again, or e) all of the above.


Read up on:

- trauma bonding
- intermittent reinforcement

These two concepts will give you a rough sense of what is going on, and help you make logical sense of the situation you're in.

As for the emotional side, try to

- talk to a friend
- talk to a professional counsellor (can't recommend this enough)
- call a crisis hotline (don't be ashamed; your problems and feelings are valid)
- be good and patient with yourself: Do all the things for yourself you would have done for your BPD ex. Exercise or go for a walk in a beautiful place, have a shower, eat a delicious meal, treat yourself to a relaxing massage, do something which you love, meet new people, whatever lifts your mood. It's incredibly hard and it may seem ridiculous now – after all, how are these things supposed to make up for the hole that was left by her? – but trust me, these things eventually will.

It might not feel that way right now, but you've got this. The fact that you're here shows that you do.  :hug:

I’m sorry that you are going through this. A first love is so special and having it end that way has to be devastating. The best advice I can give with my limited experience in advising others, is to tell you to read as much as you can about the disorder. I’ll let the more qualified members answer your questions. I know this is a very difficult time for you, but you have come to the right place to get information and support.

Hello Sappho11,

Thank you so much for responding to my message. I haven’t cried so hard or so much over anything else in my life. I will do as much research as I can. Especially with the trauma bonding and the intermittent reinforcement. The worst part about this whole thing is that literal everything reminds me of her since we spent so much time together doing so many different things. Finding this website has been a beacon of light. The anxiety, depression, and withdrawals are so incredibly painful I feel like I’m on the verge of madness in some moments.

I will keep on trying to live healthy right now. It’s only been a week and 4 days since our break up, so I know it’s still fresh. Prior to this is was seeing her nearly everyday. I hope the pain ebbs. It’s the only hope I have right now

Thank you for caring B53. Yes, she was my first love and it is beyond painful. I’ve never cried so much or been plagued with someone in mind like this before. It truly is a hellish experience. I just hope to find some form of solace and happiness

I just wished it had worked out so badly. The good memories were so unbelievably good. Such beautiful and fun moments we shared. But then every week, there’d be a perceived violation or a suspicion and she would suggest that we break up, I would cry and ask her how could she say that after all the good moments we’ve experienced. It’s so depressing it’s not even funny.

One of the hardest things that I’m unable to deal with right now is the feeling that all those moments and effort I put in were just disregarded or small in the face of the transgressions she would bring up. It makes me wonder if she ever truly meant it when she said I love you or when she would laugh at a joke. Or if our embraces were truly mutually felt.

DB,
That is a question that many of us have asked. Not many people get closure. If you have done some reading, you will be aware of what is called recycling. It doesn’t always happen, but it happens more than not. You might want to give some thought to how you would like to handle it, if she comes back and wants to try again.

I know that it may be hard to believe, but you will make it through this. It does get easier. If you can afford it, getting a therapist that is familiar with BPD will help immensely.

Hang in there.
B53

I'm glad you are here and I hope it helps you find some answers that you need on your path to being healthy again.

I want to say a word about recycling and to urge you not to fall for the trap. I bonded someone decades ago when we were young.  First love. At 18, his personality changed -- what I now know was the start of his mental illness. I eventually disengaged -- after a lot of recycling and lost track. Fast forward 30 years. Met up again, the bond remained. But also the pattern of him  loving me deeply one day, then dropping me the next for no reason. Breathtaking cruelty. And I kept believing in him. The last discard was a month ago. He ran off with his ex-fiancee even as I was on my way to his house for a vacation we were taking. This was after he had told me he loved me more than ever. He hasn't spoken to me since, but is all lovey on social media with her. No remorse, not even a care for me. Not a single concern about just dispensing with me in a text when he knew I had nowhere to go that night.

My point is this. DO NOT become me. DO NOT let someone hurt you in parts of three decades. You are worth more than this. What you feel now is the addiction of the possibility of her. You need a whole, healthy relationship and you aren't going to find that with her. Please do this for me.