BPDFamily.com

Hello,

How do I move on and stop thinking and valuing my ex with BPD? The break up was 1 week and 5 days ago and it was my first relationship. I’m an 23. I cannot stop thinking about her, what she’s doing, what I could’ve done differently. I feel like I’m out of options. I’ve been working out everyday, eating well, drinking lots of water, I’ve been writing my thoughts, crying, going on walks, hanging out with friends, doing schoolwork, reading and learning on here, going to therapy, but I just cannot stop thinking about her. Even in my dreams. I wake up in the middle of the night with wrenching stomach pain. It’s unbearable.

What do I do? How do I stop idolizing and ruminating about her every second of every day? How do I stop hoping that she’ll reach out and tell me that she cares?

Please help

Deep Blue, the hard part is...there is no magic cure all. There is no magic bullet. No secret. It is going to take time. That is the reality. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. You are human and you are hurting. That is ok. You gotta feel your feelings and process what has happened to you. You are in the right place though. Please continue to use this forum as a resource and tool to help yourself heal. This is literally the best family for you to be a part of to heal.

Not to be cliche, but it is going to get better. It is going to get easier. Day by day. Step by step. Brick by brick. You can and will get through this. Keep your head up and keep venting and it all out of your system. This family cares about you.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Hey DB, Of course you are still in pain a week and five days after your breakup.  As Sinister Complex suggests, be kind to yourself.  It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome, so don't beat yourself up.  There's a tendency to look back and idealize a BPD r/s, whereas the reality is that most BPD relationships involve a lot of drama, turmoil and often abuse.  Most BPD relationships, sad to say, are not built to last.  I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

Feel free to ask any particular questions.

LuckyJim

Thank you for responding. She’s blocked me on social media and whatnot, but I saw a video of her and a mutual female friend in a social media story and my exwBPD was all goofy and laughing and whatnot. Meanwhile I’m here tormented day after day feeling immensely depressed and unhappy. How can she be so different from where I am?

Hi Deep Blue, I hear you.  I'm sure you're feeling all kinds of intense feelings right now likely anger and confusion dominating them. Your ex has an illness, a personality disorder listed in the DSM-5, it alters her view of the world and the people in it.  At least you know it is BPD and has been diagnosed, several on this forum were with their partner for over a decade living with the condition untreated and undiagnosed.  The longer the exposure, the greater the toxicity, as there's nothing the partner can really do about it.  You got out early, you're lucky, although it doesn't feel like it now. 


You can research the condition and you'll learn about "out-of-sight out-of-mind thinking" as well as "black and white thinking".  What is only a week on a calendar may seem to her like a month as she resides in a reality outside of yours.  While you're having trouble getting over her, she may see you as an "evil" person to be despised and she's glad to be rid of you.  It's all part of the borderline package.

People have given you some good advice here and on your first post.  Take a look and their suggestions and it may help.  Read a few of the threads the last few weeks and you'll see you're not alone.  I only started posting a few weeks ago as I was still thinking about my BPDx a year later after the split.

There's no "silver bullet" post here that is a cure all.  Read other people's stories, and share yours.  It should help, Oh and do 20 minutes of cardio, 21 push-ups and 15 sit-ups each day for a week.  It doesn't help with the ex, but it's good for you anyway and keeps you fit... :)  (smiley face means "smiley face" to older dogs like me...just  fyi)

I feel like I've overcomplicated this, so I'll try to simplify my response.  Let's get the facts straight here.  You're 23, heartbroken, and trying to get over a 6 week relationship?  BPD or not, this sounds like a job for your bros, your friends, your mates.  Where are they in your equation?

When I was in my 20's it seemed like someone I knew was heartbroken just about every week (maybe from someone they just met the week before!).  Have them get you out, cheer you up, do the things you do to have a good time.

If that fails, here's a fallback.  Listen to Tai Verdes "A-O-K" until you feel better, that should take all of 3 minutes.

Hey Deep Blue,

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this tough time. I been there before and know exactly what you’re going through. 1 week and 5 days from a breakup is still extremely fresh so its very normal to still think about & have feelings for your ex. Its also very normal to experience the intense grief and sadness from the breakup. I was in a state of sadness and depression for a few months after my breakup from my BPD ex

BUT do know that these feelings will pass! You will not be in this state of sadness forever. I’m 8 months out from my breakup and no longer feel addicted to my ex (BPDs can have us extremely addicted to them)

One great way to help you move on from your BPD ex is to actually learn about this disorder. Once you learn everything there is to learn about BPD, you will discover the unfortunate truth that it’s almost  impossible to ever have a healthy loving relationship with someone with BPD, especially untreated. The only time it can be possible is if the person with BPD has already received long term extensive treatment. I have heard that it takes an average of 8-16 years of intensive mental health treatment for somebody with BPD to fully recover. Another good way to move on is to read the horror stories of those in this forum, it’ll help you to become grateful that you are no longer in a relationship with your BPDex.

Please know that those who suffer from BPD lack a sense of self. Since they lack a sense of self, they will mirror their partners in the early dating stages. The mirroring is what makes us fall madly in love with them, but it isn't until the breakup that we discover that who they portrayed themselves to be, is not actually who they are. The BPDs who we feel in love with basically never existed..

Hope this helps! All the best