BPDFamily.com

Hi there,

I am not sure if you guys can see my old posts, but I will quickly recap my story: Dated a girl for 3 years, I broke up with her, she met a guy not long after and started a relationship 3ish months later (so by this point we hadn’t even been broken up for 4 months and she was already in a new relationship), then about 5 months later she was pregnant and a couple months later engaged.

Sorry I suppose that wasn’t the quickest recap. I feel embarrassed though that I still feel hurt she moved on as fast as she did. I personally think her actions after our breakup are immature and irresponsible.

I don’t get how someone was obsessed with me and claimed to love me as much she did could change so unbelievably quickly. We talked a few times after we broke up and I feel she was passive aggressive at times which bothers me.

It’s been over a year and some things just still hurt I guess. I feel embarrassed.

Any support would be appreciated.

I completely understand. Even though we need to break up for our own safety, self esteem, and mental health, it doesn't mean we aren't sad about it. Many BPD partners on here, mine included, make sure they find the replacement even before the actual break up. I think mine just can't stand being by herself, and needs that constant validation every second of the day.

This is what people in non-BPD relation ships don't understand.   You had to break up. There is no way you could stay together and survive, but it hurts so bad and you long for them. They cannot understand the draw and almost addictive compulsion to be with someone who would certainly destroy you.

Mine was ready to move in with new dude within a week of breaking up. Meeting his family in two weeks. Going on romantic trips in three weeks. I was so broken (am) that I still kept sleeping with her and hanging out so she could tell me how great he is.

It's not rational. It's not healthy. Working on it just like you. But it is 100% understandable. I am coming to realize that I loved and love the person who would destroy me.

It's not you, it's them.

Minty, do not feel embarrassed. That is just ego and pride talking. You are hurt. It is ok. Let it out. Your thoughts and feelings are valid here. The most important thing I can tell you...many people are overlappers...disordered or not. Why? Because they do not want to grow and they do not want to deal with the bad negative feelings. Instead they hop into new relationships where fantasy replaces reality if even for a short time. Do not over think it.

Work on you and what you want. Are you not sick of the way you are feeling about this situation? Do something about it. Do not bow and do not give into people who disrespect you. No, you keep your head up and you fortify yourself. Take the opportunity to learn from the failed relationship. Figure out what you want to do and then take steps put it into action.

In the meantime, continue to post. Let go of all the BS  :cursing: you are keeping trapped inside. It is doing you no good holding onto that crap. So pop your collar, brush it off your shoulders, take a deep breath and then say enough is enough and move forward. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

To Dad50,

Thank you very much for your response. I think mine was the same way in which she can’t be alone. By the sounds of your ex I think you dodged a bullet.

To SinisterComplex,

Thanks for messaging me. I think my ego is still hurt. Maybe the problem is I am still trying to make sense of it. I just don’t understand how a person can move on that fast after being with someone for so long. Does the other stuff she did sound healthy or normal? Personally I don’t think it does.

I also just feel mad that she seems to have this perfect life so quickly. It doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t seem fair.

MB,

This is brutal and hard to understand. The mother of our kids moved on while still living with us and seemed to have little to no cares other than her teenage-like new romance. That's how it can be for a person who at their core feels that they are worthless and unworthy of love: constant validation seeking, no matter how much it hurts others.

Have you seen this article from the Tips pull down at the top of the site? It might help you understand what went on and make sense out of the seemingly nonsensical.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

i didnt either. i came to understand there are several reasons a person might do this, a number of which applied in my case.

1. often times, especially toward the end of a breakup, both parties are not on the same page emotionally. one or both may have grieved the relationship to an extent.


2. people with bpd (and this does not apply to them exclusively) fall hard, and they fall fast. but to an extent, that attachment may be shallow. think intensity vs intimacy. the lovely words, the idealization, the promises, are not lies, but they are an exaggeration, and an overstatement. i always compare it to the fact that ive probably told every girlfriend ive dated that they are "the most beautiful girl in the world", or some form of that. it isnt that i didnt mean it at the time, but i obviously dont feel that way today. people with bpd will do this on a more extreme or pathological level.

one of the hardest parts is that we tend to over invest in the words. its hard to square that person that said those things with the person that seemed to move on so easily. the path to healing, for me, was to see those words for what they were (not a lie, but an exaggeration and an overstatement) and to let go of them. it hurt me, deeply, to do so, and then it got better. the truth is, my own words and feelings were an exaggeration, too, and a large part of my attachment to her, and my struggles detaching, were about how she made me feel, vs how i felt about her. letting go of those words and how she made me feel made it easier to see all of that.

3. like SinisterComplex said, lots of people are overlappers. ive seen countless members here jump into new relationships to try to heal their broken hearts. there are a lot of messages in society out there that tell us this is the most effective way to "get over someone".

there are healthy reasons, non healthy reasons, and reasons that could go either way. for some, dating again is part of getting back to normal. that can be a healthy thing, an unhealthy thing, or somewhere in between. there is also the fact that none of us are getting younger. theres a lot of pressure to settle down and to start a family. for some people its just a high priority. for others it stems from the belief that that is what will make them healthy and whole.


it got a hell of a lot easier for me when i gave myself permission to grieve. we dont tend to beat ourselves up for mourning a death. in the same way, grieving a relationship is not a contest. beating ourselves up for not being "further along", if anything, inhibits and prolongs that grief. the ability to vulnerably say "i am hurting, i am grieving", is a healing thing.


having said that, at one year, i would suggest that its less about her at this point, and more about attachment to the wound(s). that ego wound is something most of us struggle with in the aftermath. there are some that may struggle with it forever. when you are able to identify that wound, you can learn to begin to let go of it, and you can begin to heal, even stronger than before.

This is such a nice description. Thanks Once Removed! I'm looking to try and name my 'ego wounds' right now :)