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What kind of reactions should be expected when trying to set a boundary? What the worst reaction seen? I expect it to be pretty much awful followed by me caving. How do you stay strong?

Boundaries are super scary for me to set.  Even to this day and I've known about BPD for about 20 months now.  Typically though, I'm quite surprised how well boundary setting goes.  For some reason it seems to calm my uBPDw.  Back before I knew about BPD I'd be so anxious about pleasing her and doing the right thing.  I think she sniffed that anxiety out and also channeled it, so things would escalate for her.  When I tell her what I'm going to do she usually seems to be fine, surprisingly.  But I'm still working up the courage it takes to set the boundaries. 

One of the first things I tried at the advice of someone on here. My wife was jealous of our older child coming to me for stories and affection because she is always holding and breastfeeding our younger baby. She would scream at me to PUT HER DOWN! Someone said to calmly tell her no, and continue cuddling the child and take her somewhere quieter if necessary. So I calmly told her no the next time she screamed at me. She put the baby down, roughly snatched the child from my lap, and physically threw me out of the room. Still, it has not happened since. I had a discussion with her about the fact that it wasn’t right, and that it’s domestic abuse as well as something the children shouldn’t have to experience. She did agree at that time that she would tell the health visitor if it happened again. It was a terrible experience. I went to phone the bank to take my mind off it and I was getting all teary over re-setting my Internet banking. But in retrospect I do think it has had some positive effect. It is very scary though, when your partner is stronger and prone to violence. That’s why I’ve learnt not to anger her. But I get that some things need to change, for my children’s mental and emotional well being as well as my own.

I haven't set many boundaries yet. Only trivial things. Such as "Don't ask me to proofread your Instagram posts while I'm in the middle of tax paperwork"! But her response has been good. She just walks away in a meek, childlike way. It's strange in a completely different way. Perhaps not the greatest example, but I was nevertheless surprised how well it goes.

The first time I tried to set a boundary, shortly before I found this site, was because my mum was upset at not getting sent any baby pictures and my wife had insisted that she would be the one to send them and had forbidden me to. My mum was so upset that I thought, ok I’m risking my marriage here, but told my wife my decision. She said our relationship was over. For several months she was totally cold towards me, no love, no affection, said she wanted me to leave. Then she just randomly texted me, I love you one night, and since then things have generally been a bit better. So yeah, it has certainly made me realise why she has so much control in this relationship.

Hi all,

Boundaries - so, so hard. Until, that is, that you let go of the consequences that are not in your control. When you focus really only what you are available for, setting a boundary is not so difficult. Discerning what you are available for with a pwBPD can be additionally difficult because the goal posts keep moving.

If there is one thing I would change in my failed relationship, it would be what we are talking about here. The less I put boundaries into place, the more control I ceded. It grew exponentially.  Cautionary tale.  Never too late to get started.  I guess I woke up the day I finally said a firm "no" to something and we were in the car driving in winter at about 70 mph and she pulled the wheel of the car. I went into shock to the point that there was no return for me. That was about 5 years into the relationship. Had I set boundaries earlier, we never would have gotten to that point.

Hang in there. Discern well. Take your time. Stay safe.

Rev

Something that was difficult for me at first when I learned about boundaries, is that boundaries are just for us. What I mean is that a boundary is what we are willing to do or not do. It is not about someone else’s behavior. In addition, boundaries most times do not need to be explained.

For example, I have a boundary about breathing tobacco smoke. My husband likes to smoke a cigar occasionally. I leave the area when this occurs. Whether I leave the garden behind his studio where he smokes, or if I leave the property entirely and go into town, he knows that if he lights up a cigar, I’m out of there.

I’m not preventing him from smoking his cigar, nor am I telling him about the harmful effects smoking has on his health, I am leaving the premises.

It comes down to simple cause and effect. You do *something* and I do *something*.

In addition, boundaries are not always a reaction to someone’s behavior, they can be proactive.

For example, in the case of sending baby photos to one’s mother, the simplest thing would have been to send them and not speak about it.

However since the relationship at that point had evolved into one partner exerting so much control over the other, likely an explanation would have ensued once the controlling partner knew grandma received the photos.

“It’s her grandchild and she deserves to see pictures.”

Simple. No Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining (JADE).

I’m not saying it’s easy, but holding one’s line gets easier with practice. Also it develops respect from one’s partner. And self-respect as well, something we often give up when dealing with a difficult PwBPD.

So...(please read this in a non critical way)...it doesn't matter how bad "the reaction" is...or "how good" for that matter.

You still do that thing that protects you (holds the boundary).

This was earth shattering for me...my first boundary was "taking back" my private communications (not giving wife my password to phones and gmail).  For many years in my marriage the open (no secrets) type of atmosphere was a positive and made us closer.

The "last straw" was her sending emails pretending to me be and/or sending emails from my account to other female colleagues (work) insinuating all sorts of untoward thing.

Back in the day...FF was quite a ladies man (in my wife's mind at least...)

At first she pretending it wasn't happening and after a couple weeks she switched to threatening me, eventually threatening that password=sex...no password...no sex.

Oh...should mention that this came out as I was about to penetrate for sex (yep..you read that right). 

I rolled over and said good night... and since then (many years) it's really just been a passive comment here and there..if anything.

Best,

FF

Cat I know it’s not the same, but this reminded me of a quit smoking forum I joined when I was with my ex-boyfriend. I was upset because (I believe this situation is extremely common) we were supposed to be quitting smoking together but he had started to smoke again. On the forum someone suggested we were codependent and said, “Your quitting smoking has nothing to do with his smoking; his smoking has nothing to do with your quit.” It was about 20 years ago and at the time I thought “codependent” sounded somewhat romantic. I’m over those feelings now. I am so determined to be responsible for making my relationship with my wife as healthy as possible, especially where the children are concerned. I know I have a long way to go. But I have been sending mum photos. And at first I felt I had to tell my wife. And ask if she wanted me to send it to her mum too. But now I’ve stopped doing this. I’ve stopped asking her permission and opinion so much, I used to do this because I know she likes it, but I now realise it didn’t help us or the relationship.