BPDFamily.com

A trap I find myself in often is when J is being civil and venting or talking about something (usually her mother or another relative) that bothers her.

I can’t get so much as a “That sucks” or “Sounds frustrating” without being accused of (something that her mother and sister often say) “sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong” or making judgements on the situation when it’s “really none of my business anyway”

She is off traveling with her mom and she texted to me that she was frustrated with a few things with her mom and that they got into an argument.   I responded “Sounds like a rough trip” and she told me I was over generalizing the situation and I always do it and she hates it.  

It’s really hard to be a sensitive and supportive partner when simple statements that show you’re listening to her become a splitting trigger.

this is true Boogie - when I first got here I thought my communication skills were pretty average.   after all they seemed to work with everyone else in my life.   they certainly didn't work with my pwBPD.    I needed super duper grade A communication skills to talk with my partner,  and I didn't have them.    I also needed to be able to discern what emotion was really going on with my pwBPD.     was it fear?    was it anger?   

In your other thread about validation I noticed this:    its from the link that Cat Familiar gave you:

I noticed it because my partner really wanted to be respected during our communications.    after a life time of "why can't you just calm down"   or  "its not a big deal"  or "OMG get over it already", she wanted more than anything to be heard.    Not necessarily agreed with but heard.

I asked in your other thread but I am still curious,  is it possible that she finds "sounds fustrating"   or "that sucks"   as dismissive?

'ducks
 

Hey Boogie

On a pragmatic level - I would say that empathy itself will be best transmitted once the the episode is on the downside, but not completely out of sight and mind.

Otherwise - remaining calm and impartial until the episode subsides appears to be the only option.

My two cents anyways.

Rev

I think what works best for me in that type of text situation would be a “sorry babe” and kiss emoji. In person I would go with some hmmm’s, maybe try to rub his arm….and change the subject. I get similar reactions to a “that sucks” like I don’t fully comprehend what he is saying or feeling. Not sure if or how that fits in with general advice here.

My wife’s go to response when she feels invalidated is, “you never just let me feel what I’m feeling, you always try to change what I’m feeling…” Which I truly don’t get, when my aim is always to acknowledge the feelings as being “valid”… I don’t know if she  learnt about validation in dbt… but I was with her for years before I discovered the info about it online. Like ducks, I generally communicate pretty well with other people and I work with children with many behavioural issues too.. bpd is a whole new challenge. I certainly would never touch her when she’s venting, or change the subject! That is certainly not allowed round here…

The real problem starts when the venting is about the negative attributes about the person she is venting too... a real double bind.
my wife (recently diagnosed with bpd) keeps venting about me to me and the reason is "whom else can I vent to".  It is extremely difficult to do a "hmm" or keep quiet till she calms down.  extremely difficult situation I am in.

that does sound like a difficult situation sshaligr.   

like the quote from the workshop said "We never need to validate the "invalid".    the situations / conversations we talk about here cover a wide range of intensity and seriousness.    from mild on the spectrum of venting all the way to serious verbal abuse.    no one here should recommend you linger in a conversation that contains serious verbal abuse.    that is where boundaries come into play.    draw a boundary around the conversation and gently and carefully end it.

if our best efforts at validating and listening with empathy haven't worked, or have ended up with us becoming the target of mockery, scorn, derision or verbal abuse it is time to walk away.   do not stay for verbal abuse.   

how you leave the conversation matters.    "I won't talk to you until you calm down." is not a recommended exit line.     something like:  "I have to take a break from this talk right now, maybe we will can continue later" is more along suggested exit lines. 

Thanks for the suggestion.  I think it will help.

So I would really echo what Ducks is saying ... and I would add this little caveat. At one point in my relationship, my T and I discussed approaching conflict in this way. What I failed to comprehend (an this is my story - not every story is the same with the same dynamics) was that in the case of my partner, the effects of this were temporary until she wised up, found new things to move in on me, and the process started over.

Ducks is right - no one, for any reason, should stay in an abusive relationships. If you find yourself making any excuse for rude, unkind, demeaning behavior - that's a red flag that your boundaries a slipping.

When this happens, when you get caught in one of those "discussions" that have that sense of "venting to you about you" - what's the dominant core emotion that you are in touch with - happiness, anger, fear, disgust, surprise or sadness (or a combination) Underpinning this - what combination of shame and guilt are you left with.  This too are ways to discern if it's time to take a step back.

Hope this helps everyone here.  Thanks for the exchange. While I can't repair what is no longer there, this board helps me to heal.

Rev