BPDFamily.com

After 8 years I couldn't handle my ex any more.

Everything I did was wrong, even wiring up my house, I'm an electrician she sold windows for 3 months so she knew everything about all trades.

It got to the point I would wake at 4 am to clean the house so I wouldn't have her following me around yelling at me for using a mop instead of wet wipes. When she would get up she would clean the coffee cup and claim to have cleaned the house.

If I spoke to a woman I was having affair, I wasn't allowed to see my friends.

She would max out my credit cards all the time and I we the bad guy for not getting a bigger limit.

One day she lost it at me and the kids that it was our fault she didn't live in a mansion with a record contract and I said I can't do this any more and ended it.

9 months on and I'm living in shared accommodation, she is living in my house that I pay everything for.

She refuses to sign the seperation documents because she doesn't like the wording, she wrote it. Or she wants "he will give me money as I see fit" written it.

She borrows money off her friends to support her music career, she has had about 15 gigs in all the time I have known her.

I just feel stuck. I'm always having to defend myself to our mutual friends because she has to be the victim.

I gave engaged a laywer but she ghosts them, she says to me she will only open the email if I give her $5000.

I had a breakdown and saw a shrink and they recommend that I read "stop walking on egg shells". It was useful but you can't ask a book a question

I just don't know where to go or what to do, or is 9 months a little too optimistic for the seperation so I can move forward with my life.

Sorry for the rant, I needed to get it off my chest.

Good evening,

 This is a painful situation especially that you have kids. Having gone through a horrible divorce myself then landed with a BPD after that I have a few opinions to offer you. I hope you find them helpful.

 First, there are 2 major divorce laws in the states, assuming you are there. No fault states and fault divorce states. If you are in a no fault state then her agreement does not really matter. If you are in a fault state then you need to gather documentation to fault her. What she wants doesn’t matter as from the sound of it she is not being reasonable. I know that you want negotiations to work to save yourself from financial ruin and be able to provide for your kids but unfortunately with this type of person that is not possible.

 You need a strong lawyer to move the court for divorce. She can either agree or go to trial. Most likely when she loses a couple hearings she will change her mind. Other than that you will be stuck. Go for as much custody as you can and fight for every penny. Don’t cave in to her demands of money and don’t ever pay her something the court didn’t order.  That being said, don’t do anything out of spite and take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. It will be hard but focus on the long term. Life is too short to suffer but too long to ponder over injury. Best of luck to you and your kids.

By ghosting the lawyer, do you mean avoiding being served?

BPD + divorce will send her symptoms into the stratosphere so you'll be the one keeping things grounded to move this forward.

BPD is like getting on an emotional roller coaster, trying to get everyone else to get on it too, when what she really wants/needs is to have someone stop her from getting on, not realizing she is the one who has to figure out how to do that.

These divorces can take a while especially if you have kids. There's a lot of collective wisdom on these boards about how to move forward when one person is stonewalling.

Hang in there. You will get your life back.

Hello Mr Dapper,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know from experience it is hard. Glad you found this forum, because there is plenty of wisdom here and people who really get what you are going through.

I am a year and a half out of the relationship and after a period of relatively peaceful times, my BPDexh recently caused drama again. So I feel like going back to square one again. That was for me to try to shift focus on myself and the kids and our wellbeing instead of the absurd crazy behavior of my ex (many similarities to your experiences). And I know, easier said than done, but still. To share and ask questions here, the advice and support have meant much more than I can express.

So you are in the right place. I just wanted to say that and let you know you are not alone.

Your spouse is trying to keep control of your life and your marriage.  It is predictable that she opposes your every effort.  You're the closest person in her life — what is closer than a spouse? — and thus her disordered behaviors are much more evident with you than what other people view, others only get incidental glimpses of the deep problems and issues.


I recall pulling up to a stop light and my then-spouse got enraged because I was looking ahead and an old lady was crossing the street.  She wouldn't believe me that I wasn't staring at the old woman.  It got to the point I often looked down, I couldn't bring myself to look at other women for risk of her starting another rant.


Fortunately I had my own credit card account and years before I'd helped her get her own card account.  Since we didn't have joint cards — often a real hassle to shut down a joint account — as soon as we separated I cut up my cardholder card on her account and I called my credit card company and canceled her card on my account.


Once the legal process starts, then her ultimatums or demands become weakened.  The reality is that divorce court is here to be the passive referee.  But it WILL get done, it will take longer than you expect but it WILL happen.  She won't open the letter or whatever?  Fine, your lawyer will have her served.  If there is to be a divorce, one spouse can't stop the process.  Period.

It may not be a totally fair divorce but it will most certainly be on better terms than she would dictate.

In addition to Stop Walking on eggshells, be sure to get the best divorce handbook available:  William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Get it now.  It's that important.

By the way, in the past when you were trying to improve the marriage, it was correct to share information, trust is important.  But with the marriage ending, your priorities have changed, you need to protect yourself.  Do not share anything that could sabotage your future.  For example, if you share children, then obviously you would would share appropriate parenting information.  But little else.  Don't share your goals and strategies.  If you share what ought to be confidential between you and your lawyer then you could end up sabotaging yourself.

Yes, it will end, but it will be long and painful. Mine was a "gray" divorce after several decades together. There was no property, business interests, or custody issues. It was still a divorce that my attorney called "memorable and unprecedented." To get the divorce done, we had to threaten a trial. It was a risk, but my ex's attorney was constantly telling mine that he wanted to quit. He was blabbing about all of his problems with my ex to my attorney which is technically a breach of attorney-client privilege, but it gave us a window into what was going on. So it was a measured risk that got it signed. Then my ex continued the drama into closeout, and my attorney had to threaten contempt motions three times to get them to comply and keep it moving.

Bill Eddy recently revised his "Splitting" book, and I recommend the latest edition. I help with a high-conflict divorce group through my attorney's office, and I recommend it there all the time. Also Margalis Fjelstad's "Raising Resilient Children."