BPDFamily.com

Hello BPD Fam! Without too many details, how does one deal with or empathize with a brother who insults and blames you for doing and saying things I did not even do or say. His anger also goes through the roof. I’ve just recently discovered that it is in fact BPD, and now that I think about it my mom also had it. I’ve recently been doing a lot of work on myself and have spiritually awakened and understand ego. How can I throw away my ego when I feel under attack like this? I remove myself from the situation every time but I feel awful for the rest of the day. Thank you for any advice anyone can offer

Hello Barb444! This is a tough problem that probably 99% of the people on this forum have experienced. I don't think there is an easy answer. Walking away from anger is a good first step, though usually you hear "Yea, just leave! Isn't that what you always do?" or something like that at your back.

It may help to tell yourself that the pwBPD is, at least at the moment,  experiencing much more pain than you are. Often they seem to recover faster, though, while you are still smarting.

With my BPD wife I have been attempting a work-around strategy. I have been trying to have regular, quiet constructive talks. The strategy for that is complicated, and I only started to get it after doing a lot of reading. I am hoping that if we can diminish the general level of tension, she will have fewer outbursts. This may possibly be working. I'm not sure yet.

You have found in these forums a bunch of people struggling with very complicated problems--but there are ways to improve things, though no one seems to have found a magic button to push that solves everything. If you haven't done this yet, I recommend you look the books listed in the "Tools" section of the website. I learned a lot from what I read, and have since been better able to avoid mistakes and feel a little more in control. Good luck!

When he's insulting or blaming you, one trick is to look for the hidden meaning, or what other thing might be going on that is making him fearful or upset.  My pwBPD is not a sibling, but my mother.  One of the earliest things I learned on this site was don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain), even though those are the skills most of the world uses in rational conversations or debates (also when we learn how to write school essays).  JADEing just triggers the BPD and escalates the problem. Stay away from doing it.  The better tool to use is SET (support, empathy, truth).  This is NOT the same thing as agreeing with the nonsense the person is saying.  Instead it just validates their feelings, which de-escalates the conflict.