BPDFamily.com

A great many things have been happening lately, which is the reason for my absence. There's too many things to mention, but it's safe to say I've never been so abundantly happy as I am at the moment.

I'm grateful about my experience with my BPD ex because among many other things, it showed me that the deepest root of my misery were the people whom thought I loved most – but who never loved me back.

After I realised the parallels to my BPD ex, I had been avoiding my narcissistic former best friend for the past month (made a thread about the fallout at the time) and it has been the best month I have seen in years, perhaps ever. I never knew I could have such a zest for life; the changes that occurred within this short amount of time have been nothing short of miraculous. The other day I concluded my counselling, and the therapist pensively said, "It's truly amazing what can happen once you remove the final narcissist from your life". And it's true. I suddenly see so many good, healthy people all around me, so many opportunities, so many ways to go.

Today I had to visit mentioned "friend" – he still had the keys to my flat and I really wanted them back.

Bit of a back story, in summer 2020 I moved into my current lodgings for the sole reason that he lives next door. Of course he encouraged this at the time. I thought it would be nice to be able to cook him lunch and spontaneously spend time together (I was pretty much emotionally indentured). Not once did I ask whether he'd do the same for me (he never did, in all seven years of our friendship). I also knew full well that I hated this part of town, it's run-down and ugly, far away from the city and far from greenery as well, the worst of all worlds.

Today, when I met him for the first time in over a month (and dreading it in advance), he let slip that he was going to move to a different place. (!) I asked him how long he had been debating this, and he had to admit that he had been discussing it with his mother for MONTHS. MONTHS! That means he had already been contemplating moving away, and leaving me alone in this  :cursing: part of town, while I still naively thought all was fine and dandy with our friendship (apparently not so much that he ever mentioned his plans). He bragged at length about the amenities the new place would have, how awesome it would be to live there (I happen to know the project, it's the heavily-marketed kind that turns into a ghetto before a decade is past)... I should add that he's currently living in a place owned by his grandparents, and guess what, the new place will be owned by his mother. He's 25 and has never rented any place on his own, so there's zero accomplishment on his part.

Well, joke's on him, because I retorted that I was going to sign a new lease tomorrow, in a district far away from this one. And that I wanted my current keys back. He was so flabbergasted, he jumped up in confusion and handed them over immediately.

The rest of the meeting was the same old, same old: 50% was him telling me how great everything was going for him (it was mediocre at best and he tried his darndest to embellish even the most banal "accomplishments"), 50% was him complaining about how other people don't treat him the way he deserves. He asked about what I had been doing for the past weeks, but I could tell he felt no genuine interest in, or joy about what I had to say, but merely wanted to satisfy his curiosity or worse, collect ammunition for further manipulation. I tried to be as vague as possible, but couldn't help mentioning this and that, and while he pretended to be all polite with his "oh?"s and "hm"s, I could see that he was struggling to keep himself together, secretly seething within.

Ironically, he complained about a grandiose narcissist in his social circle, but he might as well have been describing himself. I tried rephrasing his account but pretty much described him in every narcissistic detail, and it didn't even occur to him. These people really are blind to how they themselves act and are.

I'm happy to say I managed to keep at least some things, particularly the ones closest to my heart, to myself. I felt I was betraying everything good in my life by disclosing it to him, and putting it in emotional jeopardy. No more. No more!

Eventually I got up and left, I had barely been there for 45 minutes, but I just felt I needed to get out. It was like being pulled back down into toxic sludge, I really wanted to take a shower afterwards. He made a feeble attempt at suggesting another low-effort meetup (which would have involved my bringing entertainment and refreshments to his place), and I told him I'd be busy in the coming weeks (read: indefinitely).

Now I wish I lived in Japan and could go to a Shinto shrine for a purification ritual. I feel gross! Thankfully I've got work later today, so there'll be some human interaction, and I'm meeting new friends tomorrow and the day after.

No wonder I was miserable for years, being stuck in this mess and thinking this was the highest bliss life had to offer! Newsflash: It's not. Get out while you can and realise that every fallout with, every discard from the disordered person is a HUGE blessing in disguise!

That's all for today. I'm done with those individuals, I'm going back to a happy life with good, healthy people now.

Peace.  :hug:

I'm so glad to hear you're do well, Sappho. Thriving in fact!

My goal right now is to get to the place similar to the one you described with your narc friend - where I have no more interest in my ex and my energy/longing for her is gone. I've recently blocked her after a few weeks of charming then triangulating me with a couple of deadbeat guys who don't know better yet.

Posts like this give me hope so I appreciate you letting us know how well you're doing!

Sappho, I am happy for you and it is phenomenal that you are happy. Also, the best part to this forum...you do not have to explain yourself. You are doing what you should be doing. Living life.  |iiii

Also, it is good to hear you share happy news...this is key. Keep on keeping on.

The best times are still ahead of you. Time for you to experience joy and happiness for YOU.  :wee: |iiii :hug:

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

Ditto

Rev

That's great Sappho!  It's good to hear some good news.  :wee:  Keep us posted on fantastic flat findings or similar, call it "Tales of Sappho in the City" or whatever you like.

I think about your Narso friend and you should quote him lyrics from 70's punk group The Jam, "What you give is what you get."  Sounds like he's not much of a giver. It's good to clear out some of that baggage and make room for something new.  I like that you thought it would go bad and the meeting went better than planned.  Shows that often times it's not worth worrying about too much beforehand because something unexpectedly good may happen.  Telling him you're moving out of the  :cursing:-hole before he's moving, well, "That's Entertainment"!  lol(Another famous song by The Jam).

I try not to fault people in their 20's for not finding their own home/flat.  I was able to pay off my student loans in 5 yrs and buy my first house at 26. I understand that's an impossibility for most people now.  Sounds like your Narssy friend had some grief coming his way and maybe needs some doses of reality.  He certainly doesn't need you to feed him anymore if it was toxic on your end.

You may not be able to go to Japan and conduct a Shinto purification ritual, but you can play the Vapor's (one-hit wonder) "Turning Japanese" , burn some sage, and perhaps create a cleansing cocktail of delight to restore your sense of well-being.  :)

  = Good Advice

This is awesome Sappho!  It sounds like you are cleaning your emotional house and are thriving, you are an inspiration :)

Hope your ok for some humour, but 45mins is standard therapy session over here, your inner clock must have eventually activated the "time over for now" bit :)

Your right, the experience also opened my eyes to other folk in a way I seriously see how naive I had been previously. I guess its a new angle resulting from the experience, particularly the betrayal element. The huge upside is by applying this new more stringent filter, it does lead to finding those who bring out positivity. I think my tolerance for disorder also went out the window, I didnt use to mind it, this experience has created quite a high level of aversion and change within myself.

The worlds a big enough place to afford to give others a chance and not need to stay stuck in these dynamics. happy for you |iiii

Hey Sappho,

It's nice to follow more of your story. I'm glad you could consciously 'read' your former friend for who he is and move on.

I like your idea of a purification ritual! Actually I think it would be a wonderful exercise for many people on the forum. Currently I'm using music for solace, it's not quite the same as corporeal immersion but still healing.

Good luck with your new flat!

The dream.

Good stuff, Sappho. That's a great result. I'm rather envious!

So happy to hear your update, Sappho.   And that you are now better equipped to spot the NPD person that negatively affects your life and distance from him accordingly.

My recovery and detaching is also going really well.  I no longer feel such an aching loss - I feel more at peace and calmer in daily life and with my other relationships.  I’m making a point to go out, travel with friends, and to get back on the dating scene, which is going well.  Life is moving again, and I’m feeling joy and happiness, and relief. 

Cheers to us for coming so far!
Calligrapher