BPDFamily.com

 :help: :help: :help:

Hello! I'm a bit lost, I've only started reading about BPD the last couple days but my partner almost definitely has it(my therapist and I have talked about it, my sister is also diagnosed and has very similar behaviour.)

I've read a ton lately about it, my partner has not yet been diagnosed. They are not currently able to get help for financial reasons, but they are very open to it and will likely get help as soon as they can afford to.

Our relationship has had a lot of damage that we've been together (a little over a year) and I need help figuring out how to move forward with us and repairing some of the damage done. I know we both want to stay; it's just we don't know how to make things better. The biggest issue in our relationship is extreme sensitivity, severe anger whenever there is a 'trigger' and if there is a blowout, my partner coming down from that emotional episode. They tend to blame me a lot when there is a blowout, even if the incident is very minor. It is extremely difficult to reason with them, and they admit that they are very illogical once they come down from the rage.

I'm not sure how to improve things... I have anxiety myself, so sometimes I don't stand up for myself when I should because I don't want to make them angrier. I have some insecurity too about abandonment, I have fear that if I walk out of an argument when my partner is yelling and angry that it will end the relationship. I love them very much, and most of all I just want to know how I can make things better.

I'm not sure if I was specific enough, let me know if more detail is needed! Thanks for listening to me!

yeethedonut, welcome to the group! You're absolutely in the right place to be open about saying "we don't know how to make things better". Wanting to make things better, and being open and honest about not being sure about the next step, deserves recognition.

Your relationship didn't get to this point overnight, so having eyes wide open about "making things better" being a process (versus a single event) will help you make it through the challenging times that will still pop up even after you turn things around.

Making things better often starts with "not making things worse". Check out this article from the site and let us know what you think about the concept of "not being invalidating":

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Share as much or little detail as you feel comfortable with -- this is a safe place for you to do what works for you.

Again, welcome --

kells76

Hey thanks for responding!  :hug: The last couple days I've really dove headfirst into learning everything I can about BPD. I'm really committed to giving it everything I can-- every time my partner and I argue (which is a lot), I always swear I won't let it happen again because of how destructive it is. I feel like every time it happens it whittles away just a little bit more of our relationship, it's very upsetting.

I really want to figure out how to make it stop; majority of our arguments are started by my partner. They are extremely sensitive and readily interpret something I say to be an offence against them. It's very, very difficult to come back once they have it in their head that I have said something against them, even if they are wildly wrong. They are unwilling to believe anything else, and if they do accept my meaning they often lecture me to, "think about the things I say before I say them" and that I "have a responsibility to interpret what impact my words might have before I say them." This is the crux of my partner's toxic BPD behaviour; things that sound like a reasonable request/advice but in its extremity is actually not. My partner is quite high functioning, but this makes them more insidious in their manipulation; they sound logical and reasonable(and in moments of clarity they absolutely are), but more often then not they twist my words and experience explosive anger that cannot be soothed by any means.

Part of the issue with my partner is that there is a huge balancing act of validation. They require a high amount of it like all BPD people, but the tricky part is is that over a certain threshold they start to question its authenticity, even if I am being genuine. I believe that its because the self-hate/deep insecurity part of BPD takes over and makes them believe that they don't deserve it or haven't done anything to deserve that much love/kindness, so I must be not telling the truth/it makes them uncomfortable because they don't feel good enough, which often makes them lash out in anger.

I've accepted I cannot be caretaker nor therapist for my partner, so my goal is this: reducing the amount of conflict. If I could manage this by managing my own behaviour our relationship would improve incredibly. Majority of our arguments are a result of 'insensitive things I say'. This can range from a gentle joke made at the wrong time/isn't clear enough in intent, being too blunt when asking them how they feel/if something is happening, or saying something that isn't immediately clear to them what I mean(even if its entirely innocent sounding, they tend to misinterpret things to always be a criticism of them), or if they feel in any way I am not being completely sensitive to their feelings. I do have ADHD and anxiety, so I've been trying to tackle my own issues in hopes of having some relief in arguments.

What is the best way to change things? I have changed speech in the past that has been effective in preventing arguments about that particular speech trigger, but I'd love some advice on how to tackle the other ones. I'm doing my best, if I was able to mostly eliminate even just speech arguments that would help a great deal.  :)