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This has certainly been one of the hardest weeks I've had in the last two years. Many sad anniversaries passed. On the 20th I was deeply saddened thinking about the last day I was hugged and kissed and heard "I love you daddy" from my son. The 21st marked the 2nd anniversary of the terrible car accident that put my son and then-wife in the hospital. The 23rd marked the day that my son was officially declared dead. Two days later, the 25th, was the last day I saw my son. This was the day he gave organs to save two lives.
I think it makes sense that this year would be harder than last. My therapist told me I'd likely feel it more being that I was finally out of the chaotic storm that was my life over the last decade. Nonetheless, this week has been exceptionally tough. I haven't felt this much sadness in two years. And even though I've had many good friends reaching out, I have felt lonely. But don't worry about me. I know this too shall pass.I have still been able to appreciate the beauty that surrounds me: the beautiful fall colors, the bright blue sky, the silent wonder of a red-tailed hawk soaring overhead, the splendor of a moonless starry night, and of course the beautiful son that I still have.
My emotions are further complicated by the sorrow I feel for my exwife's addiction and the choices she is making. I also received a call from my ex brother-in-law's wife last week. She was looking for my xw to tell her that her brother was on his deathbed. I found out today that he passed away on the 25th. I felt sad and conflicted. I wanted to go visit and support him and his wife. He had been there in the hospital for us after the car accident. He built the ramps into our home to help my xw get around. He too struggled with addiction. Alcohol abuse is what lead to his death, the same death suffered by two more of their siblings in the last 5 years (not to mention thee of their cousins, all siblings, within the same time period and of similar circumstances). I didn't end up going. I was afraid that my xw might be there and act out in violence towards me once more. I was also unsure how I would be received. I have reason to believe that she went around telling friends and family that I was the abuser, that I cheated, and countless other lies.
So I sit here again sleepless, alone, and melancholy. I came here today to let out these emotions and thoughts. I'll reach out to my therapist for support. But I do find some assurance knowing that this sadness will fade and I'll be in back to normal soon. My friends will help me through this too.

Hey RestlessWanderer. So sorry you are going through this and feeling all of these emotions. My heart goes out to you.

Anniversaries are so difficult. My father, my sister, and my grandfather all died in the same month (different years), and if I am not conscious and aware of what is coming, a depression will descend on me until I acknowledge it.

You really can't avoid grieving -- you might find it better to just fall into it until the most severe pain passes.

I will hold you in my heart today.

Thanks for the support and kind words marv and GaGrl.

GG, my therapist has recommended the same approach as I’ve coped with this grief as well as grieving the marriage. I spoke with him this afternoon and he reminded me to take a little time for the grief as well as for myself.

Thankfully I feel like I’m passed the worst of it. I expect it may creep back as the holidays approach, so I’ll be prepared. But I honestly think I’ll feel more relief at being able celebrate with my son and being free of all the FOG that permeated everything during my time with BPDX.

I am so grateful for the amazing support, empathy, and great advice from BPD Family. It’s the perfect community for getting through and over relationships with pwBPD.

My heart goes out to you,  RW.

It sounds like you are handling this in a healthy way, despite the heart wrenching emotions.

So many things have happened in your life that you can not control or fix, and that is always a struggle to accept. Even harder is the struggle to continue to find beauty in life and experience gratitude...yet you are.
Being free of FOG certainly makes room for the hard work of feeling and processing our own emotions.

You’ve dealt with tremendous sorrow with such grace and integrity. I’m very glad that you are free of the difficulties presented in your relationship with your ex wife. You certainly deserve the emotional freedom for a much brighter future. Thanks for coming back with an update.
 :hug: :hug:
Cat