BPDFamily.com

Hi all! My partner, who I live with, has BPD and in our relationship of almost a year it has been the rollercoaster that a relationship with a pwBPD is. However, the last few months have been much better and even more the last few weeks given her progress with therapy. In this up phase, she has been much more understanding of the effects of BPD and has approached discussions and triggers much better. Hence, problems have diminished considerably.

Today, she got really mad at me for something minimal, as it has happened, and I know these things may occur, but the great phase that she is at has made me unaccustomed to the gut punch feeling that these incomprehensible reactions do on me. Even more when here reaction was to tell me to get out of our apartment for the night and to come back tomorrow. How does one get into the mindset to not be downed by these events? Where may one find solace when something like this happen?

I know and have experienced the tribes and tribulations of BPD, however, this down feeling is still something that I'd like to walk off more easily.

Any advice or support is welcomed!

hello Chibid,

You raise a very good point.   

First I am glad to hear that you had been experiencing a better phase, where things had been going somewhat smoother.    I understand how much work that takes and effort from both of you.   


right there I think is a good insight.    small but significant.   and one I think maybe we don't spend enough time discussing here.    Yes.   these things may occur.    actually they will occur if we are in any sort of relationship with a high conflict person.

there will be conflict.     we spend a lot of time and focus on our partners emotions and behaviors and maybe not so much on our own emotions and behaviors.   not 'what do we do with them'  but what do we do with ourselves.

how much conflict are we able to handle comfortably?
what are our conflict handling skills?
how can we improve our conflict management techniques?
how do we self care and recharge our own batteries?
what works for us to resolve the natural feelings of stress and frustration after an argument?


from my time reading here I would say many of us share the a certain level of being uncomfortable with conflict.   not all of us,  but a good proportion, would prefer to avoid conflict.   any one who has been on the receiving end of a BPD dysregulation rage knows that they are more than your average conflict.   its difficult to not be emotionally drained after wards.     I used to call it an emotional hangover because of how physical it all felt.   in truth I had dumped a bunch of adrenaline and had a bunch of cortisol running through my system so it was indeed partially a physical sensation.     paying attention to what I was eating was important.   I was more likely to crave sugar after conflict and less likely to resist a donut binge.    which didn't help.     I did pick up a couple of better quality supplements, mostly adaptogenic herbs.   they did seem to help some.    heck even if it was the placebo effect, it did make a difference.

strangely tea helped too.    I developed a ritual around brewing and relaxing with a cup of tea.   of just sitting and enjoying a decent cup of tea.    I think it was the relaxing that came with tea.

being mindful of how much noise was in my environment and deliberately seeking out quiet.   I find I am very noise sensitive.

exercise - mild exercise, not an exhausting routine.   a simple walk.   someplace off the beaten trail.    some place in nature.     around the lake.    in the forest.    along the canal.    yoga.    tai chi.   

deep breathing didn't seem to do much for me, but that is always recommended.   box breathing is supposed to be very calming.

I would say its important to develop a self care routine that is deliberate about helping you regain your balance.

'ducks

I find that dysregulation or conflict after a long good phase is shocking.  It usually takes me a half a day or so to reflect and realize that perhaps it was even "normal" conflict or that the dysregulation I just experienced would have hardly been noticed "back in the day", when things were really bad.

A walk where I'm also deliberate about lots of deep breathing is useful for me.


Switching gears:  How did you handle the request to leave for the night?

Best,

FF