BPDFamily.com

Greetings!

I have a question concerning patterns of behavior.  It appears to me that there is a definite pattern of behavior in regards to wBPD and when she is starting to dysregulate.

I've noticed that when she starts expressing to me verbally that people that she doesn't know is somehow disrespecting her, then her emotional state starts getting more intense.  Almost like she is starting to "spin up" to having an outburst.

About a month ago she mentioned that there were people "laughing" at her from a time when she went to a public pool to swim.  (Past)

Yesterday, she mentioned that she was "laughed" at by people because she happened to be carrying a taser while walking our dog at a public park.

 We have been charged by other dogs that were off leash / running free 4 times in the last year.

It appears that she is experiencing fear of what might happen and at the same time seemingly is building up justification to withdraw even more from activities that involve the possibility of a judgement from people that are unknown to either of us.  These other people I assume are doing their thing just like we are  doing our thing. 

My questions are

First is why the appearance of placing so much importance on people that are unknown?  Or is this a expression of fear of being accepted?  Meanwhile stating that she doesn't care what other people think.

Is this pattern of behavior something that is relatively common among BPDs? 

Or the behavior is different but there is a recognizable pattern on BPD "spinning up"? 

Your thoughts please.

Hey SH;

Great questions. My brief take on your first one:


So often with pwBPD, the issue isn't the content of whatever's being talked about, it's a feeling. One way of looking at the dynamic is that content (by that I mean specifics, like "the people at the dog park", or "when I was at the grocery store this thing happened", or "kells76 sent an email about the kids", etc) serves as a form into which the emotions (the TRUE issue for the pwBPD) can be poured.

Your W brings up "the people at the dog park looked at me funny", and for "normal" people, we would think that THAT is the issue, so we would try to have a discussion around the specific content: "what did they do, did they say anything, what were their expressions". But that may feel invalidating to a pwBPD, because they have this unskilled way of trying to express themselves -- they have a feeling inside and then find something going on outside to serve as a container for the feeling... and it's often unrelated.

So, my gut feeling is that yes, your W may be "spiraling up" to something... but if you can catch the feeling behind the weird content, that may help to deescalate. Can you find something valid to validate in the weird mix of content and feeling... leaning towards validating a feeling behind it?


Possible response (again, these aren't "boilerplate"/canned phrases, just ideas -- do what is natural for you):

"Ugghhh babe... people can be so inconsiderate"

"Why can't they respect that you're proactive about safety"

"That's so lame... I can't believe anyone would do that"

see how you're finding a feeling to "join in" with? Nobody likes to feel humiliated, ashamed, or laughed at. For whatever reason, she's feeling (likely) some shame, humiliation, or disrespect from inside herself, and perhaps is finding some concrete thing outside to attach the feeling to. When you can empathize with the feeling -- again, it is so true that nobody likes to be laughed at, and I think you'd agree -- then instead of doing the "escalating spiral", this may take things back down a bit.


Yes, that's true. Again, the connection between internal feeling and external content may not be accurate, yet the issue (for her, and for your relationship) isn't to "get her to see that they didn't mean it" or whatever... it's to validate that she's feeling a certain way, and you see that she's feeling a certain way, and nobody likes feeling that way. Validate what's valid -- the feeling. Don't feel like you have to validate the invalid (that the dog park people "meant to" do it -- that's not valid).

Kells makes a great point; it isn’t necessarily about the facts of the situation, more important is the feeling about it. There seems to be a certain narcissism or self absorption about people with BPD. They often feel slighted by others who actually aren’t paying them much attention at all.

It’s *not good* to point this out to them, however, or you may become the target of their wrath.

Once I took my elderly BPD mother to a coffee shop and we were seated in a booth with our backs to some rowdy teenage boys who were laughing and talking in coded language.

My mother was absolutely convinced they were making fun of her, while I thought that she was probably no more of interest to them than the wallpaper.

It’s the self absorption and victimhood of BPD. That’s often how they perceive the external world.

Thanks Cat Familiar and Kells76.

Your replies have helped me clarify some things.