BPDFamily.com

It’s been a rough day internally and emotionally for me today. I’ve been on the bettering board but after this week, here I am.  My uBPDh didn’t have any outburst, dysregulation, etc..  I saw a therapist (who luckily also specializes in DBT) and let a lot of “stuff” flow.  I also bought the book Stop Being a Caretaker.  Well, I’m a bit overwhelmed.  Everything for the last 20 years seems to be up to question.  Did I really allow all this stuff to happen? Does/did my husband ever really love me at all?
Not to mention is this discard I’m going through. It seems so cruel.  Terrible accusations and blame at the beginning of it.  Not one bit of concern of how I’m doing.  At the same time, he insists he doesn’t know what he wants.  I feel like he just wants one foot in the door in case whenever he feels like it he can come back. I’ve tried so, so hard.  Done all the research, practiced and tried to improve my communication skills.  I can’t even get a nice phone call or even a “how are you doing?” when he does come to the house to see the kids. The self absorption is unbelievably disappointing.
Just needed to let some of this out.  From many other posts, I know I’m not alone.  I’m just scared of moving forward.  I really don’t know which way I’ll go.

Hi Tuxedo Cat,  :hug:

I'm so sorry for the rough day, truly. The internal stuff is hard, especially when you don't feel loved or cared for. I remember crying many times at the thought that my then DH never asked me to come back, and he never said he missed me. He rearranged the furniture right away after I left, and while I could somewhat understand it, at the same time It was another step of grieving for me. Sadness and grief are a whole lot to deal with based on where you are right now.

It's okay that you don't know what to do or where to go or anything else right now. In fact, it's good and okay to only read what you can handle and to put the book down when you need to. There are going to be a lot of challenges to what you thought was solid, and your brain is stretching a lot with all this new information. Sometimes I stay on a page or a paragaraph for a week or more. Each person is different, and the most important thing is to practice self care, stay in T, and take care of you.

Keep letting us know how we can help you.

 :hug:
Wools

You are definitely not alone, and being unsure is a fairly natural feeling.  Many of us started on the board of wanting a better relationship or trying to figure out how to deal with the dysfunction and moved to the conflicted/separating board.   You are doing one the best things for yourself, in that you are seeing a therapist.  The other thing that helped me tremendously was getting the support of this board.   As you noted in  your post you are questioning so much of the past.   It is a perfectly natural response and something many of us have gone through.   

While it is okay to look at the past, ultimately what I always came back to was the question of whether this is how I wanted to spend my future.