BPDFamily.com

Hi friends! It's good to jump back on here and read all your posts. This journey of mine started two years ago, amazingly, and I'm still so thankful for all the help I found here. The last update I made was that I am having my first baby, and the last months have just been a whirlwind. Well, the exciting news is we're having a little boy, and he should be coming in 5-7 weeks. So soon! We're so excited for this little one and the blessings we have.

Of course, with an uBPD mom, nothinf is ever just good or happy. This whole pregnancy has been covered with the shadow of my parents, who disowned me and aren't in my life anymore. I was suicidal back in May becauae of the emotional stress, and thankfully my counselor was amazing and I'm doing so much better now. Two of my sisters have been pressuring me to reach out to my parents and tell them the news. They said they can't be excited for me while it's still a "secret." My H and I decided in June to not reach out, as they disowned me. They have no business knowing. That has caused so much tension with my sisters, and it has caused difficulty interacting with other family members and friends, as I'm not sure who to tell what or who might accidentally spill the news to my mom and bear the brunt of her reaction. Anyway, my H and I decided, for my peace of mind, to send a brief note to my parents. We hand wrote a card, and it said this:
Mom and Dad,
We wanted to let you know that you'll be having a grandson soon. His name is (  ) and is healthy. We're excited for this addition to our family. Sincerely, (our names).

I sent it on Sunday, and I know it was the right call. But I've had a horrible ball of anxiety building up since then. I know that rationally she can't do a whole lot to me, but I feel right back in my little girl mind of being terrified that I know I've done something wrong and mom is mad. If that makes any sense.

To complicate it further, I'm starting to miss my parents so much, despite simultaneously wishing to never interact with them again. I'm blaming the baby hormones, but I'm struggling with this crazy duality of dread and longing. I dream about them every night, likes things are normal and we're getting along, and I know that deep down I'm so sad. Is this normal? Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice out there for this struggling first-time mom?

As a side note, my H and I are still undecided about allowing contact with our son if my parents ever decide to un-disown me. That's been a really tricky sensitive area as well. Again, any insight is welcome. I so wish this could be the joyous, uncomplicated time that it should be for us.

Choosing Hope-
Congrats on your soon to arrive little one :)

I think your feelings are very normal. I don't think we stop missing a mother. As adults we function quite well on our own, but that wish for connection can happen at different times. I have noticed particularly at milestones and holidays.

This is a major milestone- you are becoming a mother yourself, and it's normal to long for that connection with a mother.

One thing I try to keep in mind is that, while I may miss having a mother at times, that connection with my own mother isn't possible, not because of anything I did or didn't do but because she isn't emotionally capable of making that connection - not with me, not with anyone - due to her emotional issues.

I have noticed grief can take a cyclic route. It gets better, but it's normal to be reminded at times. After my father passed away, the grief was more intense, but time to time, I miss him. Even if it's a complicated relationship, it's normal to miss a significant person.

With my mother, it's odd to grieve a person who is still living, but I also do that at times. While we are not NC, even when I do speak to her, or see her, I am sometimes shocked at the disconnect. I think our relationship may have felt closer when there was more drama and more co-dependency on my part but now that I have decreased these behaviors, there's an emptiness to it.

I think your letting your parents know you are expecting is probably the better route as they'd find out from other people and this way, they did find out from you. It is possible they may come around and contact you, but this is where you need to consider your boundaries, so best to discuss this with your H about what they will be.

Also keep in mind that your longing for a mother might be a longing for the mother you wish you have, not the mother you do have. It might be wishing your mother was a different person than she actually is.

I recently attended a funeral for an older person in our community who passed away. Her children spoke about her. One thing that struck me as different was how they spoke about her. In my mother's family of origin, the discussions about family members seem to focus on their accomplishments. There's not much sharing feelings or feeling connected. In this ceremony they talked about the little things. "Mother always came to my sporting events". "Mother liked to bake cookies for us". "Mother loved teaching Sunday school".

Of course people only say good things at eulogies, but these were genuine- and reflected a loving and caring mother and the person that mother was. I realize that I don't have these "connection moments" with my mother. I do have them with my father. I can recall when he took us to the zoo, or played a game with us when we were little. My mother doesn't emotionally connect with us like this, and listening to her family - this may be a pattern with them.

When I say I miss my mother, I think what I am saying is that I miss having a connection to a mother. Right now, you are pregnant and tired. You will probably be tired a lot with a newborn. It's normal to long for a mother to come help, to hear" honey, take a nap, I'll hold the baby so you can get some rest".

But that may not be your mother.

What to do? Self care is key. It's OK to get help sometimes from other people. Having a newborn takes a lot of time. Perhaps there are things you can do to lighten the other load- get some prepared meals, ask a trusted friend to help with the baby so you can nap. I know with Covid it might be a bit more challenging to have help, but if there's anyone in your circle who you trust, even to bring over food, it's OK to ask.

It's OK to feel your feelings- whatever they are. While you may expect this time to be uncomplicated, it's a milestone. Grief can show itself at milestones. My mother is elderly now, and it would be the "normal" to help her more now. But during visits, she's emotionally and verbally abusive, and also not cooperative and so my attempts to help don't work. She actually does better with people who are not related to her. I think connection is the small acts of caring between people. With a disordered person, it might not be possible to have these moments. However, it is possible between you and other people in your life, and with this new baby.

what an exciting time!  Congratulations!

Hmm. For some reason this bothered me.  Strings attached.  I get it that they are fearful of her reaction.  That’s understandable.  But they can’t be excited for you? That sounds like emotional blackmail.

As for missing your parents , that’s understandable.  But are you missing your mother?  Or missing the relationship with the mother you wish you had?

Baby hormones are definitely a thing.  But I’ll bet you don’t miss all the drama  and toxicity from the past.

Focus on your wellness, your partner, your joy, and all the other good things in your life.  So excited for you!

When the baby comes, my suggestion is to accept help from your preferred sources - whatever feels right.  Take every nap you can get! :wee:

So exciting that your baby boy will be here soon!

I agree that missing your mother is different than missing the mother you wish you had. I experienced this with my mother, who was not BPD but had some BPD traits from a damaging relationship with her own uBPD/NPD stepmother. I grieved the acceptance that I would never have the intimate mothers daughter relationship that I saw others have.

As to whether or how much contact to allow should your parents want you back in their circle -- this is important and something you need to consider carefully. My parents moved 200 miles away from her parents shortly after I was born -- the birth experience triggered my step-grandmother, and it was ugly. My dad realized that she would make our new little family miserable. We saw them infrequently, perhaps three times a year, and my sister and I were never left alone with my step-grandmother until I was 12 years old, by which time I knew something was "off" with her.