BPDFamily.com

Lately I have been feeling good, feeling like I have been moving forward and have been detaching really, really well.

Tonight I went to my boss's retirement party...and my ex was there.  I actually had wondered if that was a possibility - I even checked the calendar invitation and didn't see him invited - but one of my coworkers (his ex-coworker/friend) invited him. As soon as I saw him my heart started pounding. It took awhile for him to meander over to me and the first thing he said was "I bet you didn't expect to see me here".  Um, no, I didn't.

We chatted a little - nothing personal, of course, considering the location. We talked about techy geek stuff and I was reminded of how much I missed our discussions - I really have no one else  who I can talk to about that stuff, no one I work with has that background. This is how we first bonded, actually.  After chatting awhile he slipped in some very subtle sexual comments which I rolled my eyes at. And at the end of the night he walked me to my car, with no issue, no comments about us and no come-ons. 
Ok, cool. Maybe its all good and that was that. But I can't help feeling that he was putting out feelers to see where I stand.

It so hard. He is charming, everyone thinks he is charming and a great guy, and he is... if you aren't close to him. This whole evening was perfectly pleasant, but with my past experience with him, I am now on edge.  Maybe it will be fine and he has so thoroughly discarded me in his own mind that we are back to being merely acquaintances. Maybe he is testing the water to reel me in. Maybe I am over thinking it...I half feel like I am crazy (is he really a great guy and I got it all wrong?), but I KNOW what I experienced with him and he was the one who told me he has BPD (plus he shows like 7-8 symptoms so I absolutely agree) and the two brutal discards...no, I am not crazy, he just had his mask on tonight.

I don't know that I need any advice, I more just needed to share. I hope nothing more comes of it because I know how easy it is for me to be reeled in (then again, last time I didn't have the knowledge I have now!). Thank you all for listening!

Then you only have one option - stay away from him, block him. If you can't protect yourself when he contacts, don't allow him to.

I hope for your sake this isn't the start of a redo with this man. But I do think your encounter may have given you something most of us will never have: A decent (though not great) last conversation with your ex. That could be healing for many, especially those whose partners disappeared with no warning and never spoke again. Let the encounter be just that and don't worry about what he was after. Just walk away.

I'm just sorry that he showed.  It sounded like you did what you could to avoid the (unexpected) meeting.  You handled it well, mature.

I know how I think I would handle an encounter like this, but when it (and if it) actually happens I'm not so sure. My ex could be charming, and she has an etch-a-sketch memory so I am all but certain she would approach as if nothing happened.  She was magnetic, even if I powered all my electo-magnets (feelers) down completely I would guess hers would still be super strong and pull me in.

If she didn't have such a strong pull on me, there'd be no reason for me to care about her 15 months later.

Yes this is exactly it - wile it wasn't exactly closure, it was at least a tiny bit better then him discarding me and never speaking to me again. After 3.5 months of him disappearing with almost no warning (he did say "I'm not responding to you anymore") its at least nice to know we can be civil and I wasn't an emotional wreck. I guess it was confirmation that I am healing.

Yes, this is what I needed to hear - don't worry about what he was after and just walk away. I plan to just walk away. I do not want to pursue it, even though it was a huge reminder of the parts of him I miss, I know now what he is capable of and the good parts just don't out weight the pain.

Thanks Ad...that is the tiny issue I still have - I am still attracted to him (that magnet!). If I hadn't experienced his BPD-ness I would be vying to get back together. But that BPD-ness makes it worth not even attempting a friendship because I know how much of a pull he has on me.

Its sad really, I just don't have people I can talk to like I can talk with him (most people's eyes glaze over when I start to talk tech/data and he is as animated, excited and interested as I am about that stuff) and letting that go has been the hardest part. I regret ever crossing the line into lovers with him because maybe we could have still had that friendship. Well, whatever, I can't change the past and it is what it is.  I'm still working on letting that part go, I guess, but I know I have to for my own good.

You know, I think I actually do feel like I can protect myself. If last night was a test about being civil and not being pulled in, I think I passed. Granted, he made no overt attempts at anything so it was an easy test  :)  But I feel good about my ability to be around him. On the other hand, I do plan to stay away, I will not contact him... basically status quo as it has been for months. But at least I know that if he reaches out I'm in a much better place to deal with him. And I will not put myself in a place to be alone with him where he can work his charms.  And he may never reach out so...one day at a time.