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I recall this feeling with my ex during the last month of the relationship where it almost felt as if she was powerless to splitting on me and knew it was happening.

We had a few "conversations " where she'd just express to herself that I'm a good person and she'd list good traits about me, it was peculiar, like she was convincing herself that I wasn't awful. I say "conversations" because these were often more like me being sat with her as she speaks to herself at me.

I remember looking into her eyes a few times and feeling like I could see despair in them as she hurt me. Like she didn't want to but couldn't help it. I remember thinking it was really strange and I felt like I could feel her pain. I knew she really felt like she hated me during that time but was also seemed to wish that she didn't but literally found it impossible to make the choice to just STOP. It was so emotionally damaging, and it's probably what I think about the most when I think back to our worst arguments.

Sometimes instead of expressing what she felt in words, she'd send as string of emojis in a text.

They'd look like this:

(https://i.imgur.com/HiSGhL5.jpeg)

And this is exactly how it seemed to be when we argued too.

She could've just been manipulating me, but I thought this was a pretty effective method (even if it was immature) of expressing it.

Hey IntoTheWind

Yes, I experienced it just as you described it. It was like clockwork. And I felt like the situation and perceived transgressions were so obviously absurd, and I feel like part of her also realized this. I would just look into her eyes and wonder, why can’t she just enjoy our time together and be at peace. It was very very sad and most of all incredibly damaging. The accusations and abusive language thrown at me without hesitation and with unfeeling eyes. It was traumatizing to see the person you love implode and attack you at the same time. Absolutely horrible. Unfortunately, only they can help themselves and hopefully one day seek out serious, and I mean serious in-depth therapy.

Deep Blue

She wasn't powerless, on the contrary, she was Power-Full.  She was so powerful, that she's got you still thinking about her 5 months later after the split.  You were right, she wanted to manipulate you to the point where you were powerless.  Powerless to stop whatever it is she wanted of you.  She's an adult, she could help herself.  She could get help herself if she really wanted to change or thought the problem had anything to do with her. 

They don't do good with abstractions or emotions, so the emojis make sense.  It's also why she didn't get your jokes.  I am guessing you're a funny guy, I know you haven't shared it here, but I get the impression you could crack a person up.  Your ex never laughed at your jokes right?  Mine either.  She would just say "Funny Guy" in a sarcastic tone, and I told some real knee-slappers with her around. :)

A lot of humor is a play on words, and this is lost on the fragmented BPD mind.  For example:

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwanye who?
Dwayne the bathtub I'm Dwowning

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Santa-peed on my Christmas Tree

You know, Homophones, always funny. lol

Geez….

Not being able to laugh…..This is making my stomach drop just reading it.

If there is one aspect of myself that I’m quite secure in it is my sense of humor. I have always enjoyed making people laugh, especially by small, subtle, gestures, phrases, whatever.

My uBPDw has NEVER understood my sense of humor or laughed at comedic attempts for 8 years. The only times she has laughed regularly were  when I would sustain physical pain. This used to illicit a very maniacal laugh and even pointing at times.

Wow.